Below is a list of the commercials and a description of why I hate them.
1. Dove Soap Queefy Scat Song: There is a commercial with 3 dentally challenged females of mediocre appearance in granny panties who are giggling, frolicking, and rejoicing in their moisturizing body wash from Dove. If that wasn't annoying enough, the song that accompanies the frolic is some high pitched singer who is doing a "jazzy scat" to the children's song... "The tail bone connected to the hip bone... the hip bone connected to the leg bone... etc.." The worst part- there are 3 key changes in that queefy version of the song and with each key change the "frolicking" increases as does the gigglin'. This song will get perpetually stuck in your head for a minimum of 3.5 hours. I woke up to this song this morning and my day has sucked ever since I heard it. It makes me want to set myself on fire.
2. Fuck "Flo"- I hate Flo. I hate her. Progressive Insurance "Flo" can suck it. There isn't anything cute, adorable, funny, attractive, querky or anything about her that is redeeming. I don't understand why she has a regular gig or why the makeup department doesn't put some fucking bronzer on that bitch. Toss some honey colored highlights in her hair or dye it fire engine red or slap a B-52's Love Shack wig on her... somethin! If they are going for a "rockabilly" look or a "vintage housewife post WWII" thing... it isn't fucking working. Tease that bump on her fucking head a bit more and curl the ratty ass ends of her hair. Do it. Do it now so that somehow I can "get it"... Did you know they sell Flo Bobbleheads?! They fucking have merchandising for her plain ass! I'm sure someone in the marketing department took an improv workshop with her and thought she was "fun" and brought her into the audition and somehow drugged the casting directors enough to where they were impressed with her vapid expressionless face. The newest ads are trying to show "Flo" in her "environment" which looks like a 12 year old boy's bedroom and she's fucking "dreaming about insurance," 'cause you know, it's "cute n' all".... it's fucking not. Who dyed her hair with chestnut dk brown from Clairol? Who? Nobody can have that hair color unless you are the coloring of Salma Hayek. Nobody. To top the chestnut brown flat hair, you put the lightest makeup on her with a solid black line of liquid liner... no shading... and then and then and then you slap the worst shade of red lipstick on her real thick... She is a chinless wonder. I've written letters to Progressive Insurance asking why she is the spokesperson and to investigate the "good feedback" that came in because I'll bet money those letters came from a retard day camp.
3. General Insurance- The shitty animated "General" who has a fucking Penguin sidekick? The fuck is that about? It's like the animator had a fully "done" Penguin in the stock footage file and through it into the production contract for "good measure." This animated General hangs out with a Penguin and goes to clubs n' shit with him... it makes no sense at all. It's terrible and every time it comes on I want to.... set myself on fire. The latest version of this ad is in a comedy club setting with a "cute" hispanic guy trying to fake doing stand-up... it pans to the audience and the fucking shit ass General animated guy is slapping his fucking knee and throwing back booze. Guess who picks him up in a red corvette from the comedy club? DING DING.. You guessed it... the fucking Penguin is driving that Corvette and they are headed to their urban loft or some shit I guess... I don't know I hate it. I hate hate hate hate it. It's the most half ass bullshit I've ever seen. I think they used Microsoft Paint to color in the animation... It's like the quality of someone who is going to Dallas Art Institute and working on government funded Dells with Windows 98. Want proof... just watch...
This is the short version...
4. The winner of the worst commercial in the fucking world is SUBWAY.
The song... Five Dollar Foooootlooong.... is the worst shit I've ever heard in my life. Period.
I did the music theory on it and there is no music theory. It's the same note for 2 bars and down a half step/rinse & repeat. It is from the devil. I'm sure if you played it backwards it would have embedded lyrics like, "Dark Lord of the Syth eats babies in hell."
5. Kit Kat- Don't make mouth noises an intrinsic part of the marketing of your candy bar... just don't. (SNAP, POP, SMACK, CRACK, GULP, SMACK, SIGH, SNAP, SMACK, CRACK).... STOP.
6. YOU CAN'T MAKE IT- Mariah Carey's Jenny Craig Commercial... This shit will wake you up and find you in a cold sweat of fury. I won't even talk about it. If you have 30 seconds to spare just watch the link below... This commercial came on back to back (same one) the other day when I was struggling with a load of laundry and it actually made me throw the 17 pound bag on the ground and scream...
That's enough for now.... These commercials are the reason intergalactic communication isn't happening. Aliens are wondering why "the monkeys" are buying Flo bobbleheads, why Penguins hang out with military officials, and why 40 year old women find it absurdly fun to bathe while listening to a toddler's learnin' song.... It's why we can't have nice things... from space.
