Dodge Balls Hurt

This entry into blog world isn't anything ground breaking or important to the plight of human evolution. It is just my way of airing out the thoughts spinning around in my head about everything in my present life.

The most successful times in my life personally were usually when I had to go against all formalities and good manners to get where I'm going to go. My grandfather use to say to me, "Booger, you'll never get anywhere if you jump through other people's hoops." I realized that was probably a wise thing to remember but I didn't realize it would become an iron bat that beats me every day.... "stupid stupid stupid," I say quietly to myself as I whoop my own ass for being so dumb.

A great deal of "sayings" have come in real handy lately...

1. "They threw you under the bus"

2. "may the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat"

3. "The road to hell is paved by the self-righteous."

4. "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."

5. "Rome burns."

...and many more...

Hell, even the story of Red Riding Hood is somehow applicable to my present condition. I wasn't raped by a wolf metaphorically, but possibly a Shitzu.

I think Einstein's pendulum theory has never been more relevant to me than right now. The theory is this:

In this proposal the temporal "future" by which the radiant present is being

vacuum advanced is that of a divergent "cosmological constant" because from the

'field-of-view' of Time-future the Universal quantum wavefunction presents only a

global "probability distribution" – undifferentiated energy potential. The temporal

"past" by which the present is vacuum tensioned is that of a convergent "gravi-

tational constant" because from the field-of-view of Time-past particulate matter

has locally materialized and conserved in the inertial history of every

differentiating mass is their common singular Origin. These seemingly converse

manifolds of past and future, however, are actually of the same temporal

continuum – a single, dynamic, vacuous 4th dimension moving matter... meaning

that the 'nature unknown' that makes the pendulum swing is Time.

I realize that is wordy. You need only pay attention to the overall concept which in loose terms means that every muthaflippin' thing that has ever happened to you, every person you've ever known, every thought you've ever had is all still happening but the gravitational curve of time on planet earth makes it seem like shit repeats in cycles... when in reality it's all one big fat lump of time-space.

All the assholes who I thought would change or have changed- have not changed or morphed into anything that is more evolved.... nor have I. It's kind of comforting in a way because at least if you are cool with how you personally are then you know what to expect from yourself later on down the line. I beg whoever is reading this to laugh a little bit because it's all real ridiculous that I have to bring in metaphysics into life's tapestry of bullshit.

There was a time when I was about 7 years old playing on the playground at a terrible private school in Dallas when I first realized that I'm not going to "play right" with the others. A group of girls that were "way more rad" than me were deciding in a very democratic way if I was worthy of being in their group. Side note: I didn't give a shit about being in their group or being their friends at all. They decided that for me and spun their wheels having "meetings" about my fat ass. The ring leader was one of those little girls who already looked like she was forty seven. Her name was Sarah. That's right, I said her name... don't care if I did. Sarah sat like a princess on her thrown which was one of those concrete tubes that use to be in playgrounds back in the 80's. All of Sarah's underlings were seated around her and they were talking about "whether or not Melodee is cool enough to be our friend." Meanwhile I'm happily playing alone on the swingset which was next to the concrete tube-thrown... I cared not. They called me over there to where they were and said, "Melodee, we have decided..." At that exact moment one of those giant rubber balls used in Dodgeball came out of nowhere and pwned Sarah in the side of the face knocking her completely off the throne of judgment. All her underlings scrambled to help her and I started to laugh until I made myself physically ill. They never had democratic chick meetings about me after that... my fate was sealed. Thank GOD.

I think about that moment a lot because I think it was the defining moment in early development that made me realize how people behave in response to the "wild card" people in life. Conform Conform Conform... you must assimilate now!

These types of people, like Sarah, somehow figured out that people would do things for her. That event occurred about 25 years ago and I'm sure she has full flaming hoops now for all those around her to jump thru. What perplexes me is this: What is it about certain people who create these obstacle courses to gain a false sense of power that are in the practice of gathering up people to routinely do things for them?

Recently I found myself being a part of a little screwed up circle of "trust" that relied on jumping through invisible hoops. You know what I found out? I found out about those hoops for one, but I also found out that if you dare say "no" to one of these people, you are punished in a very unfair way. i.e. the hoop you were supposed to jump through isn't a big deal, but if you say NO, the punishment doesn't "fit the hoop size." The biggest mistake you can make is to "obey" after you were "punished" and continue to rationalize jumping through their hoops. You will never get what they dangle in front of your face. Listen to me, you'll NEVER GET IT. Why? Because anyone who creates a fucked up obstacle course for you that benefits their selfish motives- they don't want you to have anything that THEY don't have control over.

I hate to say it but I'll say it- It's usually women who create the invisible hoops. Don't hate on me for saying that. It's my personal experience that's all.

So if Einstein's theory is true, then my story of elementary school Sarah and her fiery hoops has something interesting in it that applies to my life now... Meaning- I'm learning about myself by remembering that story. The main thing that clicked on like a bulb in my head was that I was naive to the very direct motivations of a group of people who were 'having meetings" about whether or not I could be worthy of Sarah's Jumping Hoop Squad. I didn't confront them about having a meeting about me, I just didn't care at all! Perhaps the rubberball that came out of nowhere to knock Sarah off her perch saved me from actually having to directly confront the idea that people really do have stupid motives that make them feel powerful and better than others. I think in my adult life I've been vulnerable to people who have "hoops" because I have expected "the rubber ball" to come out of nowhere and knock them down.

My conclusion... Maybe I gotta be more like the rubber ball.