Christmas time is stressful. I have to come up with various lists of things to buy everyone and somehow hope that everyone likes what you got them.
There's nothing that will take the wind out of your sails like finding the gifts you got people still in the gift bag. So you didn't even consider enjoying the gift? They didn't.
They don't even re-gift it to anyone! They are saying, without words, "nobody can enjoy this gift if I don't."
I think about how I waited in a line for an hour buying that gift and got 7 new zits from stress driving during rush hour to pick out the perfect gift... that you won't look at for 365 days- past the day you received it.
This year, I'm narrowing down the purchases to the most base level thought which is, "This is something, I'll buy it."
My Mom had a storage shed built specifically to store her Christmas decorations. The storage shed is large enough to be a guest room. Instead, it has 200 tubs of decorations that date back to 1962. She typically is finished decorating the house with all of it around December 27th. It will take her until March 15th to take it all down and lug it back to the storage shed. I will never understand this. Never. At no point would my brain ever allow myself to:
A) not only keep Christmas decorations from 4 generations of celebration or...
B) I would never feel comfortable saying to anyone, "Oh this? Well, this is my enormous shed that a whole person could live in, no wait, I'll use it for tubs of broken lights and stuffed snowmen with potential bedbugs living inside them."
I'm the type of person that throws things away. If I haven't considered it for more than a year, it's trash.
Of course, I've been known to throw away entire dish sets because I couldn't be bothered with packing them to move. Goodbye dishes.
Let me get on this for a sec...
Holiday parties... don't get me started. Oh, too late.
These parties are for the most part, fun. However, there's always the ONE holiday party that becomes a social experiment in hell. Years ago, I was invited to a holiday party that had instructions of what to bring, wear, and had a line of text at the bottom of the card that I ignored and shouldn't have. It read, "surprise games! Bring your thinking cap! Win prizes!"
I showed up at this party and realized that everyone there was REALLY into group activities. (if you know one thing about me, I hate group activities or forced fun)
Everyone had a color coded name tag, were told to pick out a card from this bowl of blank construction paper bits cut into various shapes, and I was told, "if you want something to eat, make sure you get food before 9:30 because no food will be allowed during group activities."
Really? Says who? NOT allowed? What? I'm not ALLOWED? Uh.... good bye. I wish I was that cool, you know, just to have walked out and flip the bird... I wasn't that cool...yet. I was kind of shocked by the whole thing so I just got in line to get executed by the Third Reich of Forced Fun.
Lots of people in ironic sweaters, lots of couples that finish each other's sentences, lots of division between male and female, one chick who kept screaming "I'm a teacher!," and then there was me. The one who doesn't belong.
People were already making alliances for the group games and figuring out strategies for winning. Big pig faced beady eyed bloated Texas guys gripping their Coors Light like a grizzly bear, talkin' all loud, saying, "Melissa, hey, Melissa, come 'ere, Hey! You ready to get your ass kicked!" (then elbows his buddy who yucks it up in agreement)
What do you win? A 15 dollar gift card to Panera Bread. That's it.
The games started and the competitive tension was creating giant ulcers in my stomach lining. Lots of yelling. Lots of it. (if there's another thing you know about me right off, it's that I hate loud yelling and shrill voices.... annnnnnnnnnnnd DRUNKS.)
People were trashed. They were yelling insults and laughing at their own jokes, etc...
There was a big slobbery basset hound belonging to the owner of the house. At one point during the yelling and shrill high pitched women screaming at their husbands (or boyfriends) about how "women rule,"....At this point, the dog let out loud sigh and schlepped off into a dark corner by the coat closet.
I decided at that moment that I needed to know this dog and let him know that not every human sucks. I went back to the coat closet to visit this dog and then he growled at me and ran off. Okay so I'm totally alone in this? Yep.
How did I get out of this situation? I "went to the car to get something" and I never came back. Get this... nobody noticed. ha ha ha ha Isn't that awesome? They all remember me being there and remember me being "awesome at the trivia." I never participated in one question. That's so hilarious to me I can't even fully explain how it tickles me inside. There's even one chick to this very day that remembers me winning the game. (I cry laughing every time I think of her insisting that I won the game) They will know now if they read this... Remember.. fun surprises... Surprise, I wasn't there.
If you have ever worked retail during the holiday season, you know why humanity hasn't progressed. There's nothing, NOTHING, more disgusting than people who want things real real bad. It's horrible.
I remember working at a puppet theatre (I worked there for years actually) every year during the holiday season at North Park Mall in Dallas. Very ritzy mall, full of entitled rich people who live in University Park or Highland Park. I remember one year when we were doing the show "Little Drummer Boy." I remember this rich white woman full of questions and fear walk in to buy tickets. She was physically posturing a sheltering type move with her transparent skinned made-in-lab children as though they were walking into a strip club. She cautiously approached the ticket counter and kind of whispered her question in full CIA spy mode... "I want to buy tickets, but I have a question... is it scary?"
I remember looking at her in silence for at least 2 long seconds before I said, "It's the Little Drummer Boy." This woman said, "Okay? But you didn't answer my question. Is it scary?"
To this I said, "Yes, you know what... it is. It's horrifying. We sell tickets to entire families so that they will need therapy following the 45 minute puppet show about the birth of Jesus Christ and a poor kid who played the drums for him."
She looked confused and then walked away. She came back about 5 minutes before show time and asked to speak with the manager. Of course, I had already debriefed everyone who worked at the theatre about this stupid person so I had no fear in "getting the manager." The manager/owner, an older man who routinely snapped at people's stupidity, came out and got an ear full. He told her that if she assumed it was a business founded on scarring children, she had no business raising them. Boom.
I wanted Maury Povitch "dance it out in her face" whilst saying, "uh uh, wat! WAT NOW! WAT! uh uh uh."
Just so you all know... if you make an ass of yourself during the holiday season in front of any retail worker at a mall, they all get together after work and drink hard liquor because of you. If sending ill will actually worked, anyone who popped off to the over-worked retail employees would explode into shards of goo upon exiting the store. Trust that. Oh, and they will remember your ass next year too. Believe that.
I hope you all get your shopping done with ease, and please, if you go to any holiday parties that end up sucking real hard... just "go to the car to get something." It works. There will be no repercussions for doing this because everyone will be drunk later and forget all facts relating to that party. It's like you get to be there without being there. It's truly the best idea, trust me.
Feel free to comment on this with your own holiday horror stories and let's all have a big o' laugh.
-Bah Humbug
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
Holiday Psychos- Defective Unit Edition
As you all know, or don't, I have a working theory on people. Some people are DU, or Defective Units. They have parts missing from their brain that make them completely irrational, dangerous to themselves or others, and routinely annoying.
The holiday season brings a new awareness of Defective Units. I dare you to go into any retail store, anywhere, and NOT see at least 10 examples of what I'm talking about.
Defective Units parade themselves around like normal humans but they are anything but functioning. Sure, they know how to dress themselves, speak, eat, crap, but they will lack a defining quality or skill, rendering them entirely useless as quality friends or valued members of society.
Example:
A certain family member that will not be named in this blog post makes horrible choices in her life. She has her dream car but she also has a newer version of the same car. She has two cars because she found some rust on the "dream car" and had another family member completely disassemble it and replace basically every single panel, door, handle, everything... Thus making this car value-less because it has none of its original parts anymore but instead has cheap Korean made replica parts. During this process, she whined a lot and somehow convinced her father to buy her a new version of this car because she needed something to drive while the dream car was being destroyed piece by piece. This all started 4 years ago, the car is still sitting in the garage in shambles.
Example numero dos:
My brother, a big PC gamer guy, custom built the most advanced PC money can buy to get the highest quality graphics to run at lightning fast speed so he can sit on his fat ass and play Star Trek with his loser friends. He is unemployed, goes to school full time... so he gets a "sympathy good-for-you" pat on the back from everyone...
He gets the computer built, set up, and then goes to a PAWN SHOP and purchases a 13 dollar monitor that only has red/green pixels still working.
So.... let's review... You spend a fortune on building a super computer that can literally run in 3D mode with no lag and you can't appreciate any of it because your monitor has the capacity of an Etch-a-Sketch? Good Job.
Both of these examples are the definition of Defective Units doing things in life. Somewhere on God's assembly line, an angel was eating a Ho Ho and forgot to put in the logic chip into Human Lot #87392940. Some of us got extra logic chips and not enough happy & dumb chips, therefore we are angry, cynical, and want to be beamed up into an extraterrestrial space craft TONIGHT...oh and usually take a job in entertainment so that we can ensure we will never have enough money or job security to truly relax. It's better we don't relax actually.
During the holiday season, you will witness a full boar attack of the Defective Units. There's the power pusher cart ladies that will run you over while making eye contact because they are CONVINCED that you are there to get the very thing that they want, and there's only one remaining. There's 100 remaining, but you get a deep bone bruise for being in the aisle of that item. BAM... "Exuuuuuse me, (sigh) UGH move!" I blow these people up in my dreams. I imagine bits of them spackling the marble floors at the mall. I don't do this in reality because that would make me a Defective Unit and no thanks.
My favorite Defective Units are the "late for fun" drivers. The giant SUVs that ride your ass on the highway, flash their brights, mildly swerve from right to left looking for a teleportation window that will get them to their destination in light speed. They get around you and then the Defective Unit might get a text from someone and so they slow to a crawl. You drive around them. They finish their texting priority and they are on your ass again swerving and honking. Rinse and repeat. Invariably these people are driving to a store of some kind. They are never driving to a hospital as their behavior suggests. That's why the behavior doesn't match the need, therefore they are Defective Units.
Let's talk about parking garages this time of year...
Parking garages are bee hives full of psychotic bees who just did lines of cocaine. Why, why, why must the bees stop the line of traffic to get the spot that someone is walking to when there are 59 open spaces just around the corner? What do they know about those empty spaces that you don't know? Do those empty spaces have a trap door? Are the empty spaces that are conveniently available to 59 cars have a pre-determined outcome of failure? Are you more likely to enjoy your trip to the mall after pissing off a line of people sucking their own carbon monoxide fumes for 17 minutes while you wait for a family of 8 to pile into their space so that you can have it? The worst part of all of this experience is that you are trapped. You have given up all your human rights in a parking garage. You can't abort mission. You can't quit. You can't do anything but take it square up the keister waiting for "The I-Do-What-I-Want-F-You" family to get the spot that is paved with angel tears.
I heard on the news today that there was a "stampede" at the post offices across the USA. People were "injured" in the chaos to get their gifts sent out in time for CHRISTmas. No further comment on that. It is juicy irony in and of itself.
Anyone who was partaking in a human "stampede" is a Defective Unit.
The Holiday season also brings out the worst in relationships. If you are one of the people who has more negative things to say about your spouse/or partner than you do positive things, just do the world a favor and split up. Clearly, you won't do it for yourself, so find a cause and do it for that cause. "I'm splitting up with you for the mental stability of the puppies of the world."
Again, they are missing their logic chip, which is Crucial to making decisions regarding the quality of their lives. (Defective Unit) They would rather fight and resent someone, dump all the negative rants on other people, get offered multiple common sense solutions, and ignore every single one of them. Something in their brain is flipped, the part was put in upside down.
Their defectiveness is ramped way up during this time of year because they have to think about buying things for that person, and typically realize they would rather pluck their own eyes out than have any thoughtful feeling about their life partner.
These people are horrible excuses for martyrs, and don't buy into their drama or you will become a Defective Unit Default Recall. Simply walk away from them and don't waste your functioning logic chip on giving them any support or solutions. Their inner hard drive isn't compatible with your "software update." They are not backwards compatible either. The more time passes, the more out of date their programming is. No new applications, no amount of RAM will make them run any better. They will continue to run the exact same way until their internal batteries burn out and they die. Facts.
In closing, if you are a Defective Unit, you probably will post something mean on my Facebook wall after reading this because you'll be convinced that it was personal to you. If you do that, you've outed yourself.
However, most Defective Units have the attention span of a gnat when challenged with reading anything other than stupid quotes printed on cheap wall art at Big Lots or "meems" they see on the internet.
Be safe out there America. The Defective Units are out in droves. They function on primal instincts and have no fear of the terrible repercussions of their stanky instant knee-jerk reactions to daily life. Remember, you can always spot a DU if you see the following things:
1. Any situation that requires even minimal patience will cause an outburst of some kind which will thrust them into making a decision which will definitely affect more than just them.
2. Lack of attention span. (this is related to #1, lack of patience) They will want you to listen to them talk incessantly about everything and everyone in their life, but if you text anything longer than "LOL" or "K", they won't read it. Even if what you texted them was directions to a location they want to go to... they will still call you and make you stay on the phone with them while they drive there. You will be late to the event, they won't, and they have already forgotten that you helped them out.
3. Big plans- DU's always have big big plans. They are always making huge plans for their lives with no foreseeable way of accomplishing it. Most of the time they will make these plans after they have become unemployed or are thinking about quitting their job. This is different from having "dreams of success" and you'll know that because you'll feel shitty when they tell you about their plans, verses, being inspired by someone who wants more out of life.
4. Phobias- They have them because they are stupid.
5. Loud- DU's have terrible listening capabilities so they will overtake the room by being the loudest person in it. They will make inappropriate noises when they get mildly "hurt"... They ALWAYS use speaker phone and behave as though you are interrupting a "private phone call" if you make any noise at all.
6. Poor bathroom hygiene- They have no concept of how to flush a toilet or throw any personal product in the trash.
7. They Are the ONLY person in the world- Yep. That's right. They are the most important person in the world. They have no perspective. The phrase "put yourself in someone else's shoes," is lost on them. They lack the hardware to implement that phrase and adjust their reactions to situations. They will tell you about how they got the best deal, you can't get it, and even if you did get that deal they will insist you didn't. They like a restaurant the most, you can't like it the most because they do. It's "their restaurant." Everything is "their thing." They will say things like, "this is totally ME." They are right, because everything good or bad is always "totally me." They get the same result either way.
I hope this list helps you avoid the Defective Units during this holiday season. Try to not engage them, keep your head down, walk fast, and get away.
Happy Holidays everyone. I hope this next year you all have wonderfully functional lives full of inspiration, adventure, and compassion for the Defective Units.
Compassion is the only way to not become one.
The holiday season brings a new awareness of Defective Units. I dare you to go into any retail store, anywhere, and NOT see at least 10 examples of what I'm talking about.
Defective Units parade themselves around like normal humans but they are anything but functioning. Sure, they know how to dress themselves, speak, eat, crap, but they will lack a defining quality or skill, rendering them entirely useless as quality friends or valued members of society.
Example:
A certain family member that will not be named in this blog post makes horrible choices in her life. She has her dream car but she also has a newer version of the same car. She has two cars because she found some rust on the "dream car" and had another family member completely disassemble it and replace basically every single panel, door, handle, everything... Thus making this car value-less because it has none of its original parts anymore but instead has cheap Korean made replica parts. During this process, she whined a lot and somehow convinced her father to buy her a new version of this car because she needed something to drive while the dream car was being destroyed piece by piece. This all started 4 years ago, the car is still sitting in the garage in shambles.
Example numero dos:
My brother, a big PC gamer guy, custom built the most advanced PC money can buy to get the highest quality graphics to run at lightning fast speed so he can sit on his fat ass and play Star Trek with his loser friends. He is unemployed, goes to school full time... so he gets a "sympathy good-for-you" pat on the back from everyone...
He gets the computer built, set up, and then goes to a PAWN SHOP and purchases a 13 dollar monitor that only has red/green pixels still working.
So.... let's review... You spend a fortune on building a super computer that can literally run in 3D mode with no lag and you can't appreciate any of it because your monitor has the capacity of an Etch-a-Sketch? Good Job.
Both of these examples are the definition of Defective Units doing things in life. Somewhere on God's assembly line, an angel was eating a Ho Ho and forgot to put in the logic chip into Human Lot #87392940. Some of us got extra logic chips and not enough happy & dumb chips, therefore we are angry, cynical, and want to be beamed up into an extraterrestrial space craft TONIGHT...oh and usually take a job in entertainment so that we can ensure we will never have enough money or job security to truly relax. It's better we don't relax actually.
During the holiday season, you will witness a full boar attack of the Defective Units. There's the power pusher cart ladies that will run you over while making eye contact because they are CONVINCED that you are there to get the very thing that they want, and there's only one remaining. There's 100 remaining, but you get a deep bone bruise for being in the aisle of that item. BAM... "Exuuuuuse me, (sigh) UGH move!" I blow these people up in my dreams. I imagine bits of them spackling the marble floors at the mall. I don't do this in reality because that would make me a Defective Unit and no thanks.
My favorite Defective Units are the "late for fun" drivers. The giant SUVs that ride your ass on the highway, flash their brights, mildly swerve from right to left looking for a teleportation window that will get them to their destination in light speed. They get around you and then the Defective Unit might get a text from someone and so they slow to a crawl. You drive around them. They finish their texting priority and they are on your ass again swerving and honking. Rinse and repeat. Invariably these people are driving to a store of some kind. They are never driving to a hospital as their behavior suggests. That's why the behavior doesn't match the need, therefore they are Defective Units.
Let's talk about parking garages this time of year...
Parking garages are bee hives full of psychotic bees who just did lines of cocaine. Why, why, why must the bees stop the line of traffic to get the spot that someone is walking to when there are 59 open spaces just around the corner? What do they know about those empty spaces that you don't know? Do those empty spaces have a trap door? Are the empty spaces that are conveniently available to 59 cars have a pre-determined outcome of failure? Are you more likely to enjoy your trip to the mall after pissing off a line of people sucking their own carbon monoxide fumes for 17 minutes while you wait for a family of 8 to pile into their space so that you can have it? The worst part of all of this experience is that you are trapped. You have given up all your human rights in a parking garage. You can't abort mission. You can't quit. You can't do anything but take it square up the keister waiting for "The I-Do-What-I-Want-F-You" family to get the spot that is paved with angel tears.
I heard on the news today that there was a "stampede" at the post offices across the USA. People were "injured" in the chaos to get their gifts sent out in time for CHRISTmas. No further comment on that. It is juicy irony in and of itself.
Anyone who was partaking in a human "stampede" is a Defective Unit.
The Holiday season also brings out the worst in relationships. If you are one of the people who has more negative things to say about your spouse/or partner than you do positive things, just do the world a favor and split up. Clearly, you won't do it for yourself, so find a cause and do it for that cause. "I'm splitting up with you for the mental stability of the puppies of the world."
Again, they are missing their logic chip, which is Crucial to making decisions regarding the quality of their lives. (Defective Unit) They would rather fight and resent someone, dump all the negative rants on other people, get offered multiple common sense solutions, and ignore every single one of them. Something in their brain is flipped, the part was put in upside down.
Their defectiveness is ramped way up during this time of year because they have to think about buying things for that person, and typically realize they would rather pluck their own eyes out than have any thoughtful feeling about their life partner.
These people are horrible excuses for martyrs, and don't buy into their drama or you will become a Defective Unit Default Recall. Simply walk away from them and don't waste your functioning logic chip on giving them any support or solutions. Their inner hard drive isn't compatible with your "software update." They are not backwards compatible either. The more time passes, the more out of date their programming is. No new applications, no amount of RAM will make them run any better. They will continue to run the exact same way until their internal batteries burn out and they die. Facts.
In closing, if you are a Defective Unit, you probably will post something mean on my Facebook wall after reading this because you'll be convinced that it was personal to you. If you do that, you've outed yourself.
However, most Defective Units have the attention span of a gnat when challenged with reading anything other than stupid quotes printed on cheap wall art at Big Lots or "meems" they see on the internet.
Be safe out there America. The Defective Units are out in droves. They function on primal instincts and have no fear of the terrible repercussions of their stanky instant knee-jerk reactions to daily life. Remember, you can always spot a DU if you see the following things:
1. Any situation that requires even minimal patience will cause an outburst of some kind which will thrust them into making a decision which will definitely affect more than just them.
2. Lack of attention span. (this is related to #1, lack of patience) They will want you to listen to them talk incessantly about everything and everyone in their life, but if you text anything longer than "LOL" or "K", they won't read it. Even if what you texted them was directions to a location they want to go to... they will still call you and make you stay on the phone with them while they drive there. You will be late to the event, they won't, and they have already forgotten that you helped them out.
3. Big plans- DU's always have big big plans. They are always making huge plans for their lives with no foreseeable way of accomplishing it. Most of the time they will make these plans after they have become unemployed or are thinking about quitting their job. This is different from having "dreams of success" and you'll know that because you'll feel shitty when they tell you about their plans, verses, being inspired by someone who wants more out of life.
4. Phobias- They have them because they are stupid.
5. Loud- DU's have terrible listening capabilities so they will overtake the room by being the loudest person in it. They will make inappropriate noises when they get mildly "hurt"... They ALWAYS use speaker phone and behave as though you are interrupting a "private phone call" if you make any noise at all.
6. Poor bathroom hygiene- They have no concept of how to flush a toilet or throw any personal product in the trash.
7. They Are the ONLY person in the world- Yep. That's right. They are the most important person in the world. They have no perspective. The phrase "put yourself in someone else's shoes," is lost on them. They lack the hardware to implement that phrase and adjust their reactions to situations. They will tell you about how they got the best deal, you can't get it, and even if you did get that deal they will insist you didn't. They like a restaurant the most, you can't like it the most because they do. It's "their restaurant." Everything is "their thing." They will say things like, "this is totally ME." They are right, because everything good or bad is always "totally me." They get the same result either way.
I hope this list helps you avoid the Defective Units during this holiday season. Try to not engage them, keep your head down, walk fast, and get away.
Happy Holidays everyone. I hope this next year you all have wonderfully functional lives full of inspiration, adventure, and compassion for the Defective Units.
Compassion is the only way to not become one.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Will You Survive? Don't Trust Stupid, 2014 Edition
Okay... (I'm finally getting around to posting this... it's been sitting in the cue for a hot minute)
Sometimes I read "the dumbest things said on Facebook," and I typically get a stomach ache and then want to join up with the native wildlife of Texas, howl at the moon, become feral, go mute... etc..
If you are reading this and have no idea that Africa is a continent and not a city, then go and kill yourself. We have no use for your kind other than to be a human shield. I've met some human shields in my life. There are people that are so stupid that it triggers migraines for me.
I literally saw this post on Facebook, "Happy 2014th Birthday America."
Kill yourself.
During the election(Obama's 2nd term), I realized I had a "friend" on Facebook that was a mouth breathing Cro-Magnon. She said this, "We need to vote y'all. The KKK needs to do their job and impeach that terrorist."
I'm sorry, WHAT? I didn't believe that I was awake when I read that. I double checked a few hours later and... yeah, that was real. I wrote this person before I unfriended, blocked, and and and... I said...
"Andrea, even if you are kidding about what you said, it's not funny. However, I know you aren't kidding because your eyes are so far apart it must be fetal alcohol syndrome that put holes in your brain before you were born. How did you graduate high school? No, I'm being serious, how? I really want to know that before I can take another breath. Do you know what the KKK is? They don't have a "voting seat" in Washington, just so you know. Obama is not a terrorist. His name is a bit terroristeee, but he's not a terrorist, he's the President. Do you live in the woods wearing a barrel as a dress? Do you eat Squirrel more than 4 times a week? I'm trying to give you an out here, Andrea. Please write me back so I know if you are a person, or tell me if a redneck hilljack bodysnatcher infiltrated your FB account. "
Here's the deal America... if you know how to "hashtag" something but you don't know the capital of your state, log out of your Twitter account for a minute and Google "shit I need to know about the world I live in before I get beaten by life."
There was a NURSE recently that I THOUGHT would be somewhat smart... being a nurse and all... I was in a conversation with her about her vacation. Small talk shit. She went to Greece. This is what she said, "Everyone copies America. There were so many half built buildings in this one place we went to and they all looked like, like, exactly like some stuff in Washington, DC." I said, "Glad you had fun." I walked away.
It made my butt hurt. I clinched too hard when I heard that. This person probably makes about 75k a year, has perfect credit, lives in a really nice house, and has a job deciphering MEDICAL FILES?!!! NO. Don't tell me that college educated people are the future because the dumbest shit I've ever heard has come out of the mouths of people holding pieces of paper stating how smart they are.
My Grandma had a 4th grade education and knew about Greek architecture enough to know that they weren't copying AMERICA...
That brings me to my point... IF the world comes to an end, and it's looking like it might, if you know how to read a map and tie your shoes, you will survive.
However, if you've spent the last 3 years taking "selfies" and posting stupid videos of your cat wearing food, you are going to be in for a terrible world-ending adventure. "Hang on y'all, I want to post a selfie of us hiding in this bunker #omgthisshitiscray (ADD LOCATION TAG)... annnnnnnnd you're dead.
If you are one of those people/kids who are PURPOSEFULLY filming setting yourself on fire... continue doing that. Darwin was right about a couple of things, one of them being YOU. However, Darwin isn't needed to understand how to survive. By the time you are able to walk, you know that touching hot things kind of sucks hard. Your brain should've put 1 + 1 together to form the thought, "touching hot stuff sucks, I bet if my entire body was covered in fire, it might suck till I die." Whatever assholes, keep it up, you are a turd on the page of human evolution.
AND... do not tell me "peer pressure" caused these people to do that. That is more of a reason to round them up for an ass whoopin'. Pain is the greatest teacher we have here on Planet Stupid.
If you shelter your kid from pain, your kid will not learn. If you avoid painful experiences, you have not lived.
However, if you seek out pain, you need mental drugs and a hard talkin' to by my Dad. Ferdinand (my Dad) will tell you, "Why'd ya do that? Y'should uh not done that! Don't be sah stupid, stupid! Stop horsin' around n' ya won't get sah hurt all the damn time. I don't know 'bout choo n'anymore. I'm severely disappointed in how you turn'd out." AND shame... lots of shame, self-questioning, more shame... he will never forget what you did... you're 36, he's still talking about it... and more shame... hard regret.
If you expect to be one of the few that survive the apocalypse, then brush up on the following things...
1. What plants can I eat? Which ones will make me barf out my stomach lining?
2. What snakes will kill me?
3. Is that a good spider or a terrible one?
4. Safe water or death by bowels?
5. Proper footwear- do not run in flip flops.
6. How to build a tent if you have one, and if you don't, how to build a tent.
7. Map reading, no, not Google maps.
8. Cardinal directions.... The Sun is not wrong.
9. How to communicate with a person face to face instead of through a 3 by 5 inch touch screen interface.
10. What is a mirage?
11. Knife wins in the rock, gun, scissors game. Bring a knife... Unless of course you know how to make bullets, have a portable bullet making device, the time to do that... in that case, you win anyway.
12. That's a bear right? *See also- Is that a cute kitty? No, it's a mountain lion cub. (your dead now)
13. Find Sasquatch and learn his ways. He knows how to hide his ass off.
Okay that's a start... expect more useful tips on how to avoid stupid people and stupid situations soon...
Sometimes I read "the dumbest things said on Facebook," and I typically get a stomach ache and then want to join up with the native wildlife of Texas, howl at the moon, become feral, go mute... etc..
If you are reading this and have no idea that Africa is a continent and not a city, then go and kill yourself. We have no use for your kind other than to be a human shield. I've met some human shields in my life. There are people that are so stupid that it triggers migraines for me.
I literally saw this post on Facebook, "Happy 2014th Birthday America."
Kill yourself.
During the election(Obama's 2nd term), I realized I had a "friend" on Facebook that was a mouth breathing Cro-Magnon. She said this, "We need to vote y'all. The KKK needs to do their job and impeach that terrorist."
I'm sorry, WHAT? I didn't believe that I was awake when I read that. I double checked a few hours later and... yeah, that was real. I wrote this person before I unfriended, blocked, and and and... I said...
"Andrea, even if you are kidding about what you said, it's not funny. However, I know you aren't kidding because your eyes are so far apart it must be fetal alcohol syndrome that put holes in your brain before you were born. How did you graduate high school? No, I'm being serious, how? I really want to know that before I can take another breath. Do you know what the KKK is? They don't have a "voting seat" in Washington, just so you know. Obama is not a terrorist. His name is a bit terroristeee, but he's not a terrorist, he's the President. Do you live in the woods wearing a barrel as a dress? Do you eat Squirrel more than 4 times a week? I'm trying to give you an out here, Andrea. Please write me back so I know if you are a person, or tell me if a redneck hilljack bodysnatcher infiltrated your FB account. "
Here's the deal America... if you know how to "hashtag" something but you don't know the capital of your state, log out of your Twitter account for a minute and Google "shit I need to know about the world I live in before I get beaten by life."
There was a NURSE recently that I THOUGHT would be somewhat smart... being a nurse and all... I was in a conversation with her about her vacation. Small talk shit. She went to Greece. This is what she said, "Everyone copies America. There were so many half built buildings in this one place we went to and they all looked like, like, exactly like some stuff in Washington, DC." I said, "Glad you had fun." I walked away.
It made my butt hurt. I clinched too hard when I heard that. This person probably makes about 75k a year, has perfect credit, lives in a really nice house, and has a job deciphering MEDICAL FILES?!!! NO. Don't tell me that college educated people are the future because the dumbest shit I've ever heard has come out of the mouths of people holding pieces of paper stating how smart they are.
My Grandma had a 4th grade education and knew about Greek architecture enough to know that they weren't copying AMERICA...
That brings me to my point... IF the world comes to an end, and it's looking like it might, if you know how to read a map and tie your shoes, you will survive.
However, if you've spent the last 3 years taking "selfies" and posting stupid videos of your cat wearing food, you are going to be in for a terrible world-ending adventure. "Hang on y'all, I want to post a selfie of us hiding in this bunker #omgthisshitiscray (ADD LOCATION TAG)... annnnnnnnd you're dead.
If you are one of those people/kids who are PURPOSEFULLY filming setting yourself on fire... continue doing that. Darwin was right about a couple of things, one of them being YOU. However, Darwin isn't needed to understand how to survive. By the time you are able to walk, you know that touching hot things kind of sucks hard. Your brain should've put 1 + 1 together to form the thought, "touching hot stuff sucks, I bet if my entire body was covered in fire, it might suck till I die." Whatever assholes, keep it up, you are a turd on the page of human evolution.
AND... do not tell me "peer pressure" caused these people to do that. That is more of a reason to round them up for an ass whoopin'. Pain is the greatest teacher we have here on Planet Stupid.
If you shelter your kid from pain, your kid will not learn. If you avoid painful experiences, you have not lived.
However, if you seek out pain, you need mental drugs and a hard talkin' to by my Dad. Ferdinand (my Dad) will tell you, "Why'd ya do that? Y'should uh not done that! Don't be sah stupid, stupid! Stop horsin' around n' ya won't get sah hurt all the damn time. I don't know 'bout choo n'anymore. I'm severely disappointed in how you turn'd out." AND shame... lots of shame, self-questioning, more shame... he will never forget what you did... you're 36, he's still talking about it... and more shame... hard regret.
If you expect to be one of the few that survive the apocalypse, then brush up on the following things...
1. What plants can I eat? Which ones will make me barf out my stomach lining?
2. What snakes will kill me?
3. Is that a good spider or a terrible one?
4. Safe water or death by bowels?
5. Proper footwear- do not run in flip flops.
6. How to build a tent if you have one, and if you don't, how to build a tent.
7. Map reading, no, not Google maps.
8. Cardinal directions.... The Sun is not wrong.
9. How to communicate with a person face to face instead of through a 3 by 5 inch touch screen interface.
10. What is a mirage?
11. Knife wins in the rock, gun, scissors game. Bring a knife... Unless of course you know how to make bullets, have a portable bullet making device, the time to do that... in that case, you win anyway.
12. That's a bear right? *See also- Is that a cute kitty? No, it's a mountain lion cub. (your dead now)
13. Find Sasquatch and learn his ways. He knows how to hide his ass off.
Okay that's a start... expect more useful tips on how to avoid stupid people and stupid situations soon...
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