Will You Survive? Don't Trust Stupid, 2014 Edition

Okay... (I'm finally getting around to posting this... it's been sitting in the cue for a hot minute)

Sometimes I read "the dumbest things said on Facebook," and I typically get a stomach ache and then want to join up with the native wildlife of Texas, howl at the moon, become feral, go mute... etc..

If you are reading this and have no idea that Africa is a continent and not a city, then go and kill yourself. We have no use for your kind other than to be a human shield. I've met some human shields in my life. There are people that are so stupid that it triggers migraines for me.

I literally saw this post on Facebook, "Happy 2014th Birthday America."
 Kill yourself.

During the election(Obama's 2nd term), I realized I had a "friend" on Facebook that was a mouth breathing Cro-Magnon. She said this, "We need to vote y'all. The KKK needs to do their job and impeach that terrorist." 

 I'm sorry, WHAT? I didn't believe that I was awake when I read that. I double checked a few hours later and... yeah, that was real. I wrote this person before I unfriended, blocked, and and and... I said...

 "Andrea, even if you are kidding about what you said, it's not funny. However, I know you aren't kidding because your eyes are so far apart it must be fetal alcohol syndrome that put holes in your brain before you were born. How did you graduate high school? No, I'm being serious, how? I really want to know that before I can take another breath. Do you know what the KKK is? They don't have a "voting seat" in Washington, just so you know. Obama is not a terrorist. His name is a bit terroristeee, but he's not a terrorist, he's the President. Do you live in the woods wearing a barrel as a dress? Do you eat Squirrel more than 4 times a week? I'm trying to give you an out here, Andrea. Please write me back so I know if you are  a person, or tell me if a redneck hilljack bodysnatcher infiltrated your FB account. "

Here's the deal America... if you know how to "hashtag" something but you don't know the capital of your state, log out of your Twitter account for a minute and Google "shit I need to know about the world I live in before I get beaten by life."

There was a NURSE recently that I THOUGHT would be somewhat smart... being a nurse and all... I was in a conversation with her about her vacation. Small talk shit. She went to Greece. This is what she said, "Everyone copies America. There were so many half built buildings in this one place we went to and they all looked like, like, exactly like some stuff in Washington, DC."  I said, "Glad you had fun." I walked away.

It made my butt hurt. I clinched too hard when I heard that.  This person probably makes about 75k a year, has perfect credit, lives in a really nice house, and has a job  deciphering MEDICAL FILES?!!! NO. Don't tell me that college educated people are the future because the dumbest shit I've ever heard has come out of the mouths of people holding pieces of paper stating how smart they are.

My Grandma had a 4th grade education and knew about Greek architecture enough to know that they weren't copying AMERICA...

That brings me to my point... IF the world comes to an end, and it's looking like it might, if you know how to read a map and tie your shoes, you will survive.

 However, if you've spent the last 3 years taking "selfies" and posting stupid videos of your cat wearing food, you are going to be in for a terrible world-ending adventure. "Hang on y'all, I want to post a selfie of us hiding in this bunker #omgthisshitiscray (ADD LOCATION TAG)... annnnnnnnd you're dead.

If you are one of those people/kids who are PURPOSEFULLY filming setting yourself on fire... continue doing that. Darwin was right about a couple of things, one of them being YOU.  However, Darwin isn't needed to understand how to survive. By the time you are able to walk, you know that touching hot things kind of sucks hard. Your brain should've put 1 + 1 together to form the thought, "touching hot stuff sucks, I bet if my entire body was covered in fire, it might suck till I die."  Whatever assholes, keep it up, you are a turd on the page of human evolution.

AND... do not tell me "peer pressure" caused these people to do that. That is more of a reason to round them up for an ass whoopin'. Pain is the greatest teacher we have here on Planet Stupid.

 If you shelter your kid from pain, your kid will not learn. If you avoid painful experiences, you have not lived.

However, if you seek out pain, you need mental drugs and a hard talkin' to by my Dad. Ferdinand (my Dad) will tell you, "Why'd ya do that? Y'should uh not done that! Don't be sah stupid, stupid! Stop horsin' around n' ya won't get sah hurt all the damn time. I don't know 'bout choo n'anymore. I'm severely disappointed in how you turn'd out."  AND shame... lots of shame, self-questioning, more shame... he will never forget what you did... you're 36, he's still talking about it... and more shame... hard regret.

If you expect to be one of the few that survive the apocalypse, then brush up on the following things...
1. What plants can I eat? Which ones will make me barf out my stomach lining?
2. What snakes will kill me?
3. Is that a good spider or a terrible one?
4. Safe water or death by bowels?
5. Proper footwear- do not run in flip flops.
6. How to build a tent if you have one, and if you don't, how to build a tent.
7. Map reading, no, not Google maps.
8. Cardinal directions.... The Sun is not wrong.
9. How to communicate with a person face to face instead of through a 3 by 5 inch touch screen interface.
10. What is a mirage?
11. Knife wins in the rock, gun, scissors game. Bring a knife... Unless of course you know how to make bullets, have a portable bullet making device, the time to do that... in that case, you win anyway.
12. That's a bear right? *See also- Is that a cute kitty? No, it's a mountain lion cub. (your dead now)

13. Find Sasquatch and learn his ways. He knows how to hide his ass off.


Okay that's a start... expect more useful tips on how to avoid stupid people and stupid situations soon...

Defective Units- People Who Should Be Recalled

Below is a list. This list contains a detailed breakdown of what we (the list makers, M. Lenz and K. Walker n' co of Freezin Beggar Films) call "Defective Units or DUs"

Definition of Defective Unit: Any person(s) who split from the

acceptable route of life and do habitual things that are unacceptable, retarded, and potentially dangerous or life-threatening to themselves or others.

Just like objects that are "defective," these living "Defective Units" should be on a recall list. They need to be shipped back to the "human factory" and some skilled Mexican angels will run a diagnostic and determine what missing parts are needed.

Below you will see a very specific list of Human Defective Unit Recalls:

Hoarde

rs:

Anim

al hoarder

s, stuff hoa

rders, junk ho

arders, ALL hoarders...

(this will be

detailed in recall

specifics further do

down in this list

)

Grown men who dress

up like babies

People who buy "virtual r

eal estate"

People with foo

t fetishes

People who

get off on being pierced

and hung up by chunks of skin

"Duster" addicts

Those exotic pet people -- people who own like four iguana

s and a b

oa constrictor and a baby lyn

x and spend all their money on rats and crickets

and special tanks a

nd pens, but they live in a converted garage and work at Targe

t.

Peo

ple who drop out of school the semester befor

e they're gonna graduate.

People who leave their kids/pets in the car for extended periods of time.

Pe

ople who join the mil

itary and then get really upset whe

n they have to go to war.

Most Asians...mainly this one.

People who spend over 10% of their gov'ment checks on lottery tickets.

People who routinely complain to a manager about the service/food when they go out to eat and then get the bill paid for "on the house" and clean their plates. These people will also return sunglasses a year later for a scratched lens. They always get their money back.

People who carry their dogs in designer handbags.

People who get so upset when the Dallas Cowboys lose that they ruin Sunday for everyone. Thanks Dad... Thanks for the emotional hatred association I have for Sunday. KFC and emotional abuse... eat up.

People who talk back to movies like Rambo or Goodfellas, "why you shootin' at him dumb ass he don't have your back."

People who send away for "Work from Home" packets and then talk to everyone they know about someone they don't know who recently bought a Ferrari in 30 days from selling hot mustard stock on ebay or some bullshit... (this goes into "people who think they will win shit" category)

People who think dinosaurs are Jesus horses. (always funny)

People who go barefoot in public places (grocery stores, fairs, malls)

Pregnant women smoking & drinking at the local bar

Daily excessive masturbation to any/all porn &

Anime porn addicts

People who dress in costumes and fuck

People who fuck animals

People who eat their boogers over the age of 9 and aren't retarded

This...all of this...

People who talk too loud, too often, and give play by play plot breakdowns to a movie you haven't seen, video game you care nothing for, or a situation you were not privy to/has nothing to do with you and isn't in the slightest interesting but they use the first names of the people involved as though you "know them too."

People who work as "actors" in a haunted house and go to Denny's after "the show" to talk about "the show."

People who pamper their overgrown pre-teens.. (who do at least 5 of the things on this list)and tell them they are "more mature and more talented than anyone alive"....the overgrown child believes this and therefore becomes a certified "Defective Unit," prime for a recallin'.

People who watch YouTube videos of someone saying the same thing over and over again with a silly hat on and they try and show you this video over and over again until you "get it"...

Also...

Directly linked to these Defective Unit people are the people who believe

"Tim & Eric Awesome Show" is the funniest show ever

made. It's not funny. It's not. You are stoned. Watch it sober you asshole. If a show has "a funny moment" every 15 episodes, as a general rule it should be classified as NOT FUNNY. If you find it NOT funny when you aren't stoned, then you have hope and we may be able to remove you from the Defective Unit Recall list.

*The authors of this list (myself and Kristen Walker) have been forced to watch the show numerous times and we did so with an open mind and even with booze and on average we squeaked out a laugh every 10th episode. We both agree that if anyone forces us to watch this show again we will call the cops.

People who shit more than 4 times a day and aren't "sick." These people typically spend at least 25 minutes or more in bath'oom lockdown and find this completely reasonable. If I can drive to another county while you are shitting, you need to go to the hospital. You have been RECALLED.

People who think real food is "weird," and will typically order the following things at 5 Star restaurants: Peanut butter and jelly, pizza, Totinos pizza rolls, Dorit

os, or McDonalds Chicken nuggets. Note: these same people will not eat french fries if the fries are cut in a way that is different from what they have eaten before. I watched an 11 year old cry one time when the french fries weren't what they knew. Someone needs to explain that this isn't okay and that a potato is still a potato no matter what how it is sculpted.... Or get your neck snapped by me- your choice?

People who don't bathe for more than seven days, don't bathe their children regularly and allow their kids to have sticky shit on their hands and mouths. These DU's are being recalled to get their Filth Tolerance Filter replaced.

OR

People who wipe the ass of their child when he/she over 4 years old but won't clean up the snot from their nose.

People who fake pregnancies then adopt children and expect their close friends to "not notice," the child is 3 1/2 years of age. (don't ask me how I know this...sigh)

People who are pregnant and give birth in a Walmart bathroom and then dispose of 'said' child in the Walmart bathroom... and then casually purchase a pair of pumps. (google that story... it's real)

People who summon demons 'cause they like partying and want to see something bad ass.

*An episode of Paranormal State that is a must see. This particular DU said the following in a rich n' delicious Mississippi river accent, "I mean what child don't wanna sell they soul to be a werewolf? That be just kid stuff n' all. A kid bein' a kid, y'know I mean, who wouldn't sell they soul to tha' devil n'all to be a werewolf? I mean. Werewolves are kick ass."

Multi-million dollar companies (owners and upper management) who still run their entire database on Windows 98 and pay a third party tech-support asshole 45,000 a year to play World of Warcraft and answer questions with "yeah um, just shut it off, go into SafeMode and then..yeah just do that first... then call me back if you have any problems." The business owners and the tech support guy are DUs & will be recalled for upgrades.

People who plan "dinners" 6 months ahead of time, i.e. easter, thanksgiving, etc... Unless you are planning on throwing a giant block party there needs to be only 48 hours of planning to this. Don't bother us with your insignificant plan...If you plan it, we won't go. Period.

Everyone I've ever ever seen on the show "Bridezillas." There is no recall on them, they should just be shot alongside their weak ball-less men.

People who overfeed their pets cause "Sugarpops loves itz some'z eclairs... look at 'eem eat it! awwww," and then get distraught when the pet dies within 5 months. If its stomach drags the floor, it isn't hungry. It's dying.

People who think the government is spending a great deal of time talking to alien races and reverse engineering space craft so that the Russians won't do it first. (this is still a common thought... Russia is of no concern, hasn't been for a hot second)

People who have no boundaries with their children under 18 and habitually vent out their very personal problems to them and say things to their 13 year old like, "Well, yeah, you don't pay for rent and I don't charge you room and board so be grateful." Um... that's your kid- they don't pay rent. That's called "being a parent."

People who buy more than 10 of the same thing but not things you ever need 10 of. (this is classified into Hoarders or planners)

People(especially people named Namir) who get a scuff mark on their shoes and then freak the fuck out and throw their shoes away.

All Jimmy Buffet fans who call themselves "Parrotheads" or younger fans "Parakeets" It's just fucking TRASH. Put some conditioner in your nasty seahag hair.

People who talk really quietly in loud places and really loud in quiet places. (I've met a few of these people, tho' rare they are terribly upsetting to the balance of the force)

People who ask obvious questions in corporate meetings when everyone just wants to get the fuck out. These people have "concerns" and usually when they hear words like, "Does anyone have any questions before we wrap this up?" These people will undoubtedly have NOT a question but a "comment," and it will be open ended and awkward and despite hearing the sighs of their peers in surround sound they continue sulking in the long pause and then say, "what do you think?" At which point the person in power will be forced to say something but then won't wrap up because the D-Unit will have "another question NOT question but comment."

People who use their tax return on everything that they don't need when they are in need of some major stuff...i.e. their dogs need medical attention, they need a root canal, and there is a hole the size of a dinner plate in the ceiling BUT they will buy a snow mobile.... they live in Houston.

People who like the "Free Credit Report.COMMMMM" commercials because the songs are "fun."

The person responsible for the "Five Dollar Fooooot Looonnng" Subway song.

People who audition for American Idol who are so bad at singing that dogs leave the room when they sing

Nudists

People who fuck children and those who think fucking children is a "taboo of society" and we need to just "get over ourselves" and learn to accept child-fuckers

Insane Clown Posse fans

People who take their three small children to Wal-Mart at 11 pm and shop for an entire cartful of groceries, up to and including trying on shoes while their kids scream in the cart on top of the off-brand Count Chocula

People who are or claim to be "scared" of things that in no way inspire fear: mustard, cotton balls, clowns...

Jews who hate Israel

People who get diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and go to an acupuncturist

Anyone over the age of 11 who screams or cries when they have to get their blood drawn or get a shot

People who drive their car without putting oil or anything in it besides gas and then wonder why it stops running

People who live in utter, abject filth, with piles of slimy dishes crawling with roaches and shitty toilets and bathtubs choked with mold and brown stuff

Anyone with more than three cats

People who take out $25,000 in student loans and then bitch about being in debt

Anyone who dresses their little girl up like a grown supermodel, or even worse anyone woman who dresses up like Ke$ha and then dresses their ten-year-old up like Ke$ha and they go out in public together as though it's "cute" when in reality it's just dick-shriveling and weird... and if it DOESN'T shrivel your dick, you shouldn't have a dick 'cause you're a creepy perv

Totally untalented people who think they're gonna win shit... you know there is a fat 46-year-old somewhere right now doing the perfect 'shup in his studio apartment who thinks he's gonna be the next Ninja Warrior