Okay... (I'm finally getting around to posting this... it's been sitting in the cue for a hot minute)
Sometimes I read "the dumbest things said on Facebook," and I typically get a stomach ache and then want to join up with the native wildlife of Texas, howl at the moon, become feral, go mute... etc..
If you are reading this and have no idea that Africa is a continent and not a city, then go and kill yourself. We have no use for your kind other than to be a human shield. I've met some human shields in my life. There are people that are so stupid that it triggers migraines for me.
I literally saw this post on Facebook, "Happy 2014th Birthday America."
Kill yourself.
During the election(Obama's 2nd term), I realized I had a "friend" on Facebook that was a mouth breathing Cro-Magnon. She said this, "We need to vote y'all. The KKK needs to do their job and impeach that terrorist."
I'm sorry, WHAT? I didn't believe that I was awake when I read that. I double checked a few hours later and... yeah, that was real. I wrote this person before I unfriended, blocked, and and and... I said...
"Andrea, even if you are kidding about what you said, it's not funny. However, I know you aren't kidding because your eyes are so far apart it must be fetal alcohol syndrome that put holes in your brain before you were born. How did you graduate high school? No, I'm being serious, how? I really want to know that before I can take another breath. Do you know what the KKK is? They don't have a "voting seat" in Washington, just so you know. Obama is not a terrorist. His name is a bit terroristeee, but he's not a terrorist, he's the President. Do you live in the woods wearing a barrel as a dress? Do you eat Squirrel more than 4 times a week? I'm trying to give you an out here, Andrea. Please write me back so I know if you are a person, or tell me if a redneck hilljack bodysnatcher infiltrated your FB account. "
Here's the deal America... if you know how to "hashtag" something but you don't know the capital of your state, log out of your Twitter account for a minute and Google "shit I need to know about the world I live in before I get beaten by life."
There was a NURSE recently that I THOUGHT would be somewhat smart... being a nurse and all... I was in a conversation with her about her vacation. Small talk shit. She went to Greece. This is what she said, "Everyone copies America. There were so many half built buildings in this one place we went to and they all looked like, like, exactly like some stuff in Washington, DC." I said, "Glad you had fun." I walked away.
It made my butt hurt. I clinched too hard when I heard that. This person probably makes about 75k a year, has perfect credit, lives in a really nice house, and has a job deciphering MEDICAL FILES?!!! NO. Don't tell me that college educated people are the future because the dumbest shit I've ever heard has come out of the mouths of people holding pieces of paper stating how smart they are.
My Grandma had a 4th grade education and knew about Greek architecture enough to know that they weren't copying AMERICA...
That brings me to my point... IF the world comes to an end, and it's looking like it might, if you know how to read a map and tie your shoes, you will survive.
However, if you've spent the last 3 years taking "selfies" and posting stupid videos of your cat wearing food, you are going to be in for a terrible world-ending adventure. "Hang on y'all, I want to post a selfie of us hiding in this bunker #omgthisshitiscray (ADD LOCATION TAG)... annnnnnnnd you're dead.
If you are one of those people/kids who are PURPOSEFULLY filming setting yourself on fire... continue doing that. Darwin was right about a couple of things, one of them being YOU. However, Darwin isn't needed to understand how to survive. By the time you are able to walk, you know that touching hot things kind of sucks hard. Your brain should've put 1 + 1 together to form the thought, "touching hot stuff sucks, I bet if my entire body was covered in fire, it might suck till I die." Whatever assholes, keep it up, you are a turd on the page of human evolution.
AND... do not tell me "peer pressure" caused these people to do that. That is more of a reason to round them up for an ass whoopin'. Pain is the greatest teacher we have here on Planet Stupid.
If you shelter your kid from pain, your kid will not learn. If you avoid painful experiences, you have not lived.
However, if you seek out pain, you need mental drugs and a hard talkin' to by my Dad. Ferdinand (my Dad) will tell you, "Why'd ya do that? Y'should uh not done that! Don't be sah stupid, stupid! Stop horsin' around n' ya won't get sah hurt all the damn time. I don't know 'bout choo n'anymore. I'm severely disappointed in how you turn'd out." AND shame... lots of shame, self-questioning, more shame... he will never forget what you did... you're 36, he's still talking about it... and more shame... hard regret.
If you expect to be one of the few that survive the apocalypse, then brush up on the following things...
1. What plants can I eat? Which ones will make me barf out my stomach lining?
2. What snakes will kill me?
3. Is that a good spider or a terrible one?
4. Safe water or death by bowels?
5. Proper footwear- do not run in flip flops.
6. How to build a tent if you have one, and if you don't, how to build a tent.
7. Map reading, no, not Google maps.
8. Cardinal directions.... The Sun is not wrong.
9. How to communicate with a person face to face instead of through a 3 by 5 inch touch screen interface.
10. What is a mirage?
11. Knife wins in the rock, gun, scissors game. Bring a knife... Unless of course you know how to make bullets, have a portable bullet making device, the time to do that... in that case, you win anyway.
12. That's a bear right? *See also- Is that a cute kitty? No, it's a mountain lion cub. (your dead now)
13. Find Sasquatch and learn his ways. He knows how to hide his ass off.
Okay that's a start... expect more useful tips on how to avoid stupid people and stupid situations soon...
