Mel's 2012 Predictions

*The content you are about to read will provide insight on hilarious opinions and poor utilization of ancient prophecies relating to 2012 as I see it. If you read this and decide to become a dick and focus all your energy on telling me what is what, you will, without a doubt, get on the next list I write entitled, "People I'll Beat with a Bat in 2012." *

1. Newt Gingrich- Sometime in the next 45 days, a leading biologist from the University of Florida's genetic research department will release stunning information about the possibility that Mr. Gingrich is distantly related to the Red River Hog of North America.

2. Mitt Romney will not be elected President of the United States- because his name is Mitt.

3. NASA's chief spokesperson will finally come clean with factual information about Roswell, New Mexico stating, "The large concrete underground bunker located in Area 51 is nothing more than a skating rink for retired USAF pilots... built by extraterrestrials in 1948."

4. The SyFy channel's show, "Face Off," will have a controversial season finale in which the make-up artists remaining will be asked to actually take someone's face off.

5. In the spring of 2012, Snooki from "Jersey Shore" fame will be thrashed by the once thought to be extinct Megalodon shark off the coast of Tampa Bay. The world will be more focused on her death than the miraculous resurfacing of a pre-historic shark which in turn will be the catalyst for every crypto zoologist in the world to commit suicide.

6. In March of 2012, Lady GaGA and Madonna will produce a Hybrid in the top secret Montauk Research Facility named, "Gadonna." A series of poorly produced Japanese sci-fi films will be the only result stemming from the creation of 'said' hybrid.

7. The famous news anchor Wolf Blitzer will at some point transform into a pants shredding werewolf on live television during the Presidential debates. He will continue to moderate in a reasonable fashion.

8. Censorship will reach an all time high by November of 2012. Most media will contain mostly beeps and black digital boxes that will hide 76% audio/visual of any program on network television thus making future generations of children speak in a language of tonal patterns while covering their faces with large black cardboard boxes. Experts will support this by stating, "Statistically speaking, the generations born from the years 2008-2012 are less likely to do anything at all, so it is our scientific opinion- they are safer than previous generations."

9. In October of 2012, aliens will land in various locations around the world and subsequently make the executive decision to leave again for another 3000 years because humans were too busy typing their 'status updates' on Facebook to notice.

10. HLN's Nancy Grace will eat both of her toddlers in a ritualistic ceremony to honor fallen soldiers in Afghanistan.

11. Stephen Hawking will be the first person to break warp speed in his brilliantly designed wheelchair only to discover that Planet X isn't handicapped equipped. He will return to earth but due to a miscalculation of .0000001 millimeters, he lands on the top of a stairwell in Toledo, Ohio and suffers acute brain damage upon impact.

12. The term "cabin fever" which was a term to describe feelings of restlessness during times of inactivity indoors, is now being studied at UCLA's Medical Department as a possible explanation of obesity in the United States. Dr. Monty Pietzo states, "It's come to our attention that inactivity, lack of sunlight, and exposure to comfortable settings with adequate food supplies is the link to obesity & cabin fever." By default, in 2012, brain damaged housecats will be allowed to make public statements on behalf of the UCLA Medical School Program. (the study was real, and it made the front page of Yahoo News a month ago.... no shit)

13. "Flo" from the "adorable" Progressive Insurance commercials will be shanked in an alley in Ft. Smith Arkansas by the Geico Caveman... and nobody will care.

14. In 2012, any adult involved in "Cosplay" will be arrested & flogged by ancient Centurion weaponry specialists. The government will go on record making a public statement about why the arrest and subsequent flogging techniques were performed, "they are defective units and we hope by beating the dumb shit out of them they will become effective units."

15. Christina Aguilera will suffocate herself when she is performing the popular nursery rhyme song, "Song that Never Ends," to a 3rd grade class in Santa Rosa, California. A gripping 911 call will describes how Ms. Aguilera kept doing unnecessary "runs" within the song- the song that never ends. By the third time through the song, the 30 year old singer began turning blue and appeared to "be in a great deal of physical discomfort," said Ms. Rosella, the 2nd grade math teacher who will be helping out during the assembly. Lastly, the police will issue a statement saying, "Christina died doing what she loved doing -which was unfortunately extending notes frivolously without taking the proper precautions regarding a never ending song..."

16. Reality television will run out of ideas until someone suggests something groundbreaking that will involve actors, a fake environment and something called, "a script."

17. Animal Planet's show "Puppy Bowl," will combine with the NFL's "Super Bowl," as a co-species event. This will not happen again. Many hearts will be broken, many emotional scars will never heal.

18. Hipsters everywhere will become disheartened when a new sociological study reveals that they aren't progressive, cultured, creatively understated, or cool in an uncool way.

19. Sasquatch will be honored in the Presidential Fitness Award Ceremony with, "The National Hide & Seek Champion Lifetime Achievement Award." Other notable nominees will include, Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa, D.B. Cooper and the money he took.

20. The Galactic Federation of Planets will issue a international statement of apology for the host of "Ancient Aliens," hair.