Rancid Ramblings of Austin...I hate hipsters.

It's been a while since I posted anything. I've had quite a busy summer full of adventure not unlike most of the time, but particularly adventurous this summer.

I have decided to post this because there are some hilarious things I need to get off my chest.

Recently I went to Austin (by way of Salado) to work and visit some friends who were in town from Ringling Bros. & Barnum and Bailey Circus. I've decided that Austin people should be rounded up and beaten with hockey sticks. I'm so sick of hipsters that I can't really write what I'd like to about them or I'd be arrested for making legitimate threats to society.  One night in particular in Austin, a friend of mine (who was driving) decided to make a pit stop to visit his friends at a bar on the East side of Austin. The once ghetto neighborhood full of church going minorities has become the douche capital of Austin. The hipsters have run out all of the elderly, poor, and single parent families from the neighborhood in order to create really "super awesome venues for their really ironic indie bands." UGH.

I was dragged into this one bar that night but before I stepped out of the car, the entire sole of my combat boot literally melted off. (F*** Texas heat) So, in my hand was my threadbare wallet and the bottom of my shoe. We walked down Hipster Lane and I felt, naturally, like the most uncool person there. That is how the hipsters want you to feel by the way. They love it when you second guess your Target tank top and cargo pants. It makes them feel a whole lot better about wearing their tattered western snap shirts, 1920's loafers, and a faux derby hats.

We get into this douche bar and I immediately started asking around for duct tape. (**see shoe issue above for reasons) There were about 45 "Rockabilly" chicks with sleeve tats trying to order manly beverages at the bar, 10 bearded early 20's guys who were ringers for the homeless in South Dallas, and around 37 of the worst offenders.... INDIE BAND GROUPIES. There was a band playing outside, next door to another band playing outside, that was next door to the other band playing outside who were all playing THE SAME SHIT.  You could've blindfolded the groupies and transported them to the next yard bar and they wouldn't have known  the difference even after taking the blindfold off.

Everyone was drinking ironic beer and wearing ironic glasses and being ironically gregarious... which means they weren't fully gregarious, just enough to be ironic.
I sat down at a table outside to calmly and very whitely listen to this band. (White people are so boring) There's a reason why black people think white people are lame... they are. A bunch of white people at an Indie band concert will all be sitting around sipping on Lonestar Beer or Pabst (because it's ironic) and they will be talking about how green they have gone, or how they know someone who is a "film maker" and is really "ahead of the curve." It sucks. I was sitting at this table and this guy in front of me turns around in an ironic way and says "Hey, Paul... (as he sticks out his hand to shake mine)..." I say, "Hi. My name is Melodee." He says, "great, great really great. It's a pretty great night tonight, agree?"  That's when I notice that he's wearing a f*cking eye patch with ironic thick rimmed glasses, a derby, a pencil mustache, and the best part... HE HAS A WALKING CANE THAT HE DOESN'T NEED.

The first thing that went through my mind was I needed to beat him with that cane. A bit of violence to all the hipsters would really wake 'em up. They need a solid ass beating because they are all pussies. All of them. They all had their ironic girlfriends with them... Ironic because they are plain. They have plain "natural" hair, no makeup, and wear clothes that look like pregnancy dresses. It's ugly. It's really damned ugly.
I thought I wouldn't curse in this blog but I can't help myself. I can't. Blame the hipsters because it's their fault, everything is.

After about 45 minutes of sitting there listening to this indie band musically masturbate on the stage... they decided to make a joke about how they were musically masturbating on the stage because it's querky to "call it out like that." It's the same type of humor that the news segment of SNL is doing now. When the actors on SNL look into the camera as if to say "hey guys, this is like, um, funny right? Or not, but it's whatev'..." It's like there is a movement of understated schmut that has infiltrated real life and is wearing the banner of "progressive." It's not progressive. We've progressed past the music of these indie bands, indie films, and indie clothes. We have. People use to wear three piece suits and ball gowns to see concerts back in the 1920's and the concerts involved a 30 piece big bands playing complicated arrangements...OH and they were INVENTING A NEW GENRE OF MUSIC CALLED JAZZ!  This indie shit is nothing more than slobbered up Dylan rip offs with a dash of Mac Garageband loops. It's such horseshit. If you throw in a banjo, ukelele and a tuba then you have a really "progressive sound." Ugh.

Anyhow... So Austin... The last time I went to Austin and actually partied there was when I was on the Ringling show and we went to some kick ass blues bars down there. In the last 2 years, the hipsters have taken over all the bars and have made the gritty reality of struggling blues musicians into middle class hipsters who formed indie bands from their Capitol One cards and shopped at Buffalo Exchange to find their costumes for daily life... They dress like the thing they like- and what they like is rehashed overpriced shit.
I tried to talk to the people at my table but realized that this certain block was coming over me when I was trying to be social. It was like an arch angel put his hands over my mouth and whispered into my ear, "don't, just don't." So I'd find myself saying things in response to being asked something really invasive about who I am like this: "Yeah, I just...(trailing off) live, well, in Dallas I guess.... anyway... it's hot out here."

That, THAT was the best I could come up with? Me? I'm full of exciting shit to say and THAT was the best I had? THAT? Yes, because the synapses in my brain stopped firing the second I walked into that place. I have to say that the entire time all this was going on, I was holding the bottom of my shoe in my hand. The screwed up thing is... nobody noticed. They probably thought it was some sort of recycled handbag from a local artist who died of a heroine overdose back in the 90's or some shit. I don't know what they thought or didn't think but it was very disconcerting to hold the entire bottom of a swat team boot in my left hand while I was being asked if I liked various unknown indie films or "docs"... (that's short for the ever so tiring word to say: documentary.) That's another thing they do better than anyone- they shorten words to words that stand for other things...  ex. doctor/docs... documentary/docs? F**K YOU.

If I had one dollar for every time I heard "I'm a filmmaker" at that bar, I'd be the richest asshole in Garland, Texas. Guess what? YOU AREN'T FILM MAKERS.
They don't have an original thought in their bodies. Not one. Everything about these people is unoriginal. You know how I know that? They all look exactly the same, talk the same, listen to the same, do the same, marry the same, and react the same. Same.
They all go "back to school" at the age of 30 to study liberal arts and everyone says "good for you..." as they have their self satisfied smiles as they are patted on the back by the douchebaggery surrounding them. NO, not "good for you." SHAME on you. You are floundering around trying to be artists when you are really just rehashed hacks of a greater generation that is long since past. Find something interesting to do, say or think that doesn't involve a "cause."

The other extreme of Austin is the shit kickin' "get 'er done" closed minded truck drivin' blowholes who cut you off on I-35 in a half ton pickup truck with a lift kit. These people hate everyone that isn't white and proud. They suck just as hard but they don't go out in droves like the hipsters. The Hipsters are like termite infestation... they are attracted to old wooden places and dingy clothes.

Anyhow... that's my story. Did I get my shoe fixed? Yes. However, I didn't get it fixed until I returned to the trailer at Ringling to see my friend Laura who works in wardrobe. I had a dejected look on my face and showed up at her trailer holding my shoe. This is something she has seen me do before when I was on the show with Ringling... Being who she is, she had Barge glue and I sat outside and glued it back on..... backwards. F**k me. I figured it was like a metaphor for how I was to emotionally deal with the whole night.... a part of my spirit fell off, but I fixed it by accepting that I might be a little bit backwards.

Mel's 2012 Predictions

*The content you are about to read will provide insight on hilarious opinions and poor utilization of ancient prophecies relating to 2012 as I see it. If you read this and decide to become a dick and focus all your energy on telling me what is what, you will, without a doubt, get on the next list I write entitled, "People I'll Beat with a Bat in 2012." *

1. Newt Gingrich- Sometime in the next 45 days, a leading biologist from the University of Florida's genetic research department will release stunning information about the possibility that Mr. Gingrich is distantly related to the Red River Hog of North America.

2. Mitt Romney will not be elected President of the United States- because his name is Mitt.

3. NASA's chief spokesperson will finally come clean with factual information about Roswell, New Mexico stating, "The large concrete underground bunker located in Area 51 is nothing more than a skating rink for retired USAF pilots... built by extraterrestrials in 1948."

4. The SyFy channel's show, "Face Off," will have a controversial season finale in which the make-up artists remaining will be asked to actually take someone's face off.

5. In the spring of 2012, Snooki from "Jersey Shore" fame will be thrashed by the once thought to be extinct Megalodon shark off the coast of Tampa Bay. The world will be more focused on her death than the miraculous resurfacing of a pre-historic shark which in turn will be the catalyst for every crypto zoologist in the world to commit suicide.

6. In March of 2012, Lady GaGA and Madonna will produce a Hybrid in the top secret Montauk Research Facility named, "Gadonna." A series of poorly produced Japanese sci-fi films will be the only result stemming from the creation of 'said' hybrid.

7. The famous news anchor Wolf Blitzer will at some point transform into a pants shredding werewolf on live television during the Presidential debates. He will continue to moderate in a reasonable fashion.

8. Censorship will reach an all time high by November of 2012. Most media will contain mostly beeps and black digital boxes that will hide 76% audio/visual of any program on network television thus making future generations of children speak in a language of tonal patterns while covering their faces with large black cardboard boxes. Experts will support this by stating, "Statistically speaking, the generations born from the years 2008-2012 are less likely to do anything at all, so it is our scientific opinion- they are safer than previous generations."

9. In October of 2012, aliens will land in various locations around the world and subsequently make the executive decision to leave again for another 3000 years because humans were too busy typing their 'status updates' on Facebook to notice.

10. HLN's Nancy Grace will eat both of her toddlers in a ritualistic ceremony to honor fallen soldiers in Afghanistan.

11. Stephen Hawking will be the first person to break warp speed in his brilliantly designed wheelchair only to discover that Planet X isn't handicapped equipped. He will return to earth but due to a miscalculation of .0000001 millimeters, he lands on the top of a stairwell in Toledo, Ohio and suffers acute brain damage upon impact.

12. The term "cabin fever" which was a term to describe feelings of restlessness during times of inactivity indoors, is now being studied at UCLA's Medical Department as a possible explanation of obesity in the United States. Dr. Monty Pietzo states, "It's come to our attention that inactivity, lack of sunlight, and exposure to comfortable settings with adequate food supplies is the link to obesity & cabin fever." By default, in 2012, brain damaged housecats will be allowed to make public statements on behalf of the UCLA Medical School Program. (the study was real, and it made the front page of Yahoo News a month ago.... no shit)

13. "Flo" from the "adorable" Progressive Insurance commercials will be shanked in an alley in Ft. Smith Arkansas by the Geico Caveman... and nobody will care.

14. In 2012, any adult involved in "Cosplay" will be arrested & flogged by ancient Centurion weaponry specialists. The government will go on record making a public statement about why the arrest and subsequent flogging techniques were performed, "they are defective units and we hope by beating the dumb shit out of them they will become effective units."

15. Christina Aguilera will suffocate herself when she is performing the popular nursery rhyme song, "Song that Never Ends," to a 3rd grade class in Santa Rosa, California. A gripping 911 call will describes how Ms. Aguilera kept doing unnecessary "runs" within the song- the song that never ends. By the third time through the song, the 30 year old singer began turning blue and appeared to "be in a great deal of physical discomfort," said Ms. Rosella, the 2nd grade math teacher who will be helping out during the assembly. Lastly, the police will issue a statement saying, "Christina died doing what she loved doing -which was unfortunately extending notes frivolously without taking the proper precautions regarding a never ending song..."

16. Reality television will run out of ideas until someone suggests something groundbreaking that will involve actors, a fake environment and something called, "a script."

17. Animal Planet's show "Puppy Bowl," will combine with the NFL's "Super Bowl," as a co-species event. This will not happen again. Many hearts will be broken, many emotional scars will never heal.

18. Hipsters everywhere will become disheartened when a new sociological study reveals that they aren't progressive, cultured, creatively understated, or cool in an uncool way.

19. Sasquatch will be honored in the Presidential Fitness Award Ceremony with, "The National Hide & Seek Champion Lifetime Achievement Award." Other notable nominees will include, Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa, D.B. Cooper and the money he took.

20. The Galactic Federation of Planets will issue a international statement of apology for the host of "Ancient Aliens," hair.

I Hate Hipsters (Part Deux)

I promised you all a second rant.... Kristen Walker takes the wheel.... Note: The dialog below is actual text messages between Kristen and I. Nothing added, nothing taken away. Enjoy.

As a comment on the topic of hipsters in Mel's previous post – which is perfectly spot-on – I will include the EXACT verbiage of a recent text conversation between Mel and I. It began with us bitching about a former mutual friend of ours who was being flaky and difficult. I started off the rant. Please note I am including THE EXACT WORDS, verbatim. A slash like this: / means a separate text.

Oh, and in order to protect his privacy, we’ll call the guy we’re talking about at first “Bunghole Jones.”

Kristen: He’s a hipster. He wants social interaction to be complicated cause then that proves he’s busy and important… If he just said hey let’s meet here at this time, he would look “simple” and “easy.” Hipsters want to look like they have a lot of shit going on in their lives They would admit to dropping a baby before they would admit to being free on a Saturday night.

Mel: You are so right. Bunghole Jones honestly is probably sitting in a bar by himself right now. / He probably just got out of a “venue” of like Mumford & Sons and is drinking Buttered Whiskey Tart or some gourmet drink and talking about how the new iPhone is going to have a vintage photo setting option because 45 mm films was always superior but like people in more progressive places like Holland are recycling our film canisters to make bicycle pedals for impoverished Sudanese youth.

Kristen: Nailed it. Btw Jackknife Thoom. (This is an unrelated reference but I included it for accuracy.) / No I mean you really nailed it so hard. / He definitely just saw Mumford & Sons. Somewhere in his life is a girl with brown hair who enjoys crafting and is “not looking for a serious relationship.” She has a bicycle with a basket on the front and her favorite band is Wilco.

Mel: Yes, and she loves those canvas peasant shoes called Thoms because all proceeds go to Africa. Just somewhere in Africa… Cause it’s got poor people without iPads.

Kristen: She likes wine, cats, yoga, cardigan sweaters, yarn, IKEA, sushi, American Apparel, scarves, Buffalo Exchange, brunch, Dexter, Tom’s shoes, anime, salad, and Volvo. / Damn dude Thoms shoes jinx.

Mel: …”yeah so pretty much I just made this beret for you Bunghole Jones. I know you don’t wear hats like that but I was whatev’ and yeah…” (she stands pigeon toed and looks like ensemble from Les Miserables) / Her name is Sadie but not really… it’s like Alexa but she likes to be called either Sadie or Al.

Kristen: She has center parted long brown hair with the kind of headband that goes around the head instead of over it. She pulls a slouchy cardigan down over her fingers. / Oh it’s so perfect.

Mel: Over her fingers is so nailed… I hate her.

Kristen: She says, “That’s so Raven” sometimes and people think it’s hilarious. She has a cat named after a character on Glee. She has two roommates and one of them is a dude. She has a really messy bedroom which you’re supposed to find “quirky.” She makes cupcakes.

Mel: She fucking always makes cupcakes… They probably are various “insects” like Ladybugs, Ants (3 cupcakes connected by brown frosting) or her super famous scarynotscary Spidercakes that she named Jeeves or something fucking horseshitfuckingfuckfuckng gay like that… And she “giggles”… “that makes my tummy giggle.” Her fucking fag hipster friends think that is really “amusing.”

Kristen: “That makes my tummy giggle.” Oh fuck that.

Mel: Oh fuck that so hard.

Kristen: She has watching parties for tv shows like True Blood or some shit. She has a fag friend and they call each other honey and darling and kiss each other and stuff. She calls her girl friends her “girlfriends” and will say “hey beautiful” or “Hey hot mama” to them. She is always planning her backpacking trip to Europe. “Drew said Germany was the shiz.” At parties she ironically dances to Snoop Dogg with a red plastic cup of booze in one hand… Probably Grey Goose and cranberry.

Mel: I am going to kill her. / She is so real.

Kristen: She is. She’s everywhere. / Her name is Leslie but everyone calls her Les. / Or yeah Alexa “Al.” / Or Natalie “Nat.”

Mel: Nat

Kristen: “Heeeey it’s Nat-Nat!” / She has at some point referred to herself as Natastrophe. Her old MySpace quote was “a charming mess…” / She loves Tim Burton.

Mel: Nat Nat. Oh god… Aqua Thoom. (This is unrelated.)

Kristen: She loves Jane Austen books.

Mel: She likes woolen tights.

Kristen: Oh yeah with ballet flats or ankle booties. Wedges. / Shove Thoom. / Gets me. / Urban Outfitters

Mel: I just read one of your Thooms that got me… Snackpack

Kristen: It’s strong. / It’s ridiculous.

(We go on about Thooms for a while and then we get back to Nat Nat.)

Mel: Nat Nat.

Kristen: Oh God. I hate her.

Mel: Yes. The cupcake thing. Dude. Dude…

Kristen: “That makes my tummy giggle…” / She is 24 and for her 25^th birthday she wants to have a pub crawl… On bicycles.

Mel: Pub crawl. Yeah and she goes to Zombie crawls on 6^th Street in Austin in December. / She is empowered by not shaving her arm pits… Much. / She loathes cigarettes but smokes weed and does Salvia.

Kristen: Yeah she has one tattoo. On her wrist. / She went through a Sailor Moon phase. She still has collectibles but now she keeps them in the bathroom. / She has a photo somewhere on her Facebook of her wearing a beanie and eating a lollipop. / She won’t get pedicures cause she feels bad for the Asians. / She wants to insist that people take off their shoes when they come in the house but she’s afraid people might not want to. / On her way to Austin with friends they have a ritual. The first horses they see they yell “HORSEYS!” And then giggle. /

Mel: Omg… laughing in rage. The wrist tat is blacklight.

Kristen: Yeah it is. It so is.

Mel: She carries around a blacklight laser keychain just to show people.

Kristen: That hurts.

(An interlude.)

Mel: Recorded message from Nat Nat… “Hey it’s Nat Nat boo! Heh heh so yeah what’s the what what? I’m just relaxed listening some old Bowie tunes and make my girlfriend’s man’s puppy a sweater awwww right?! Yeah I’m pretty awesome heh heh but shout out to your Nat!”

Kristen: omg. Oh fuck you. Fuck you so hard.

Mel: Ha! / “hey it’s Nat Nat. Um. So. Imma’ make it rain cause I just finished your man’s puppy’s sweater! Oh Em Jee! It’s bomb! Heh. Your man is gonna love me more! Heh I’m just joshin like a josher can player. Anywiz, I’m done-zo and it’s fun-zo up in this biatch so shout at a Nat!”

Kristen: I am gonna stop talking to you forever now. I am filled with rage at your inner Nat.

Mel: It’s so nailed.

Kristen: Hey kids it’s Natty! Leave me a mizz-jizz and I’ll hitcha back!

Mel: Logan’s hipster voice mail outgoing message: “Hello?... Wha?... I can’t hear you fools? Jay Kay… It’s Natteroma’s Vee Emm! Leave a message after the beep Beep! Heh Jay Kay! … (real beep)”

Kristen: Tell Logan I said to go to hell.

Mel: I did and he laughed hard. He says “why did the hipster burn her mouth?”

Kristen: Why?

Mel: “cause she ate mac n chee before it was cool.”

Kristen: Omg.

Mel: It’s deep.

Kristen: It really is. / No it is.

I Hate Buffalo Exchange Hipsters

If anyone has ever decided to go to Buffalo Exchange to sell your clothes, let me advice you on a few things you should know about before taking on the rage you'll experience upon entering into that vortex of Hipster Hell.

Recently I walked into Buffalo Exchange(Greenville Avenue Location in Dallas, Texas) to sell my clothes/coats/shoes that I no longer needed in my life. I remembered how terrible it was but somehow I felt strong enough to take a risk that day and "just do it."

When you walk into Llama Trading Company...oh I mean... Buffalo Exchange...you will see at least 34 outfits on dummies that you are pretty sure have bedbugs burrowed into the fibers. These "super dope outfits" are showcased so that you, the seller, will have a template to go by when you try and sell any of your NICE clothes there. They only want the ugliest, brownish, beige, silken, a-symetrical, ill fitted, plaid, shredded, stained, ironic clothes that you can find from your 63 year old gay uncle's garage tubs. Your best bet is going to a busted ass ghetto thrift store in Buttfuck, Texas and buying the shittiest shit they have there for a dollar and then taking it to Buffalo Exchange.... they will give you 1000 dollars for something that comes with a dead rat stuck inside of the pant leg.

If you bring them clothes that are new w/tags, tailored, awesome, expensive, Italian designer labels, some Hipster with a Eggplant colored beany and "ironic thick rimmed glasses" will say, "Yah, uh, we really don't take this wash anymore. Yah it is not really what is offered fashion here so yah, but hey, I am sorry, but yah, yah... " Fuck you. You wanna know what? I'll tell you what. I sold THE SHITTIEST COAT I HAVE to them for 40 bucks. Out of the entire stack of nice stuff, they chose THE SHITTIEST COAT I HAVE and bought it for 400% more than what I paid for it. It had a collar on it that was misshaped (Rhombus looking shape with one corner of the collar that hung down past the first button), a pocket complete w/ hole in it the size of your fist, and the buttons didn't line up at all- at least 3 inches difference between button n' hole. They bought THAT. Hard. I had a pair of '7 Jeans' that were worth about 140 bucks, like new, and another pair of Joyce Jeans with the tag still on them (155 dollars) BUT they chose the rat coat.

The Eggplant beany guy with the ironic glasses said the following, "Yah, now this little gem here(the coat) is something we are interested in. I'm going to price this based on the desirability factor alone so.... 40 dollars hun? Is that yah, is that uhm groove with you hun?"

Desirability Factor. So.... they price things based on perspective. What a solid system of business! Seems legit. Assholes. Meanwhile this asshole was "training" this new breed of Hipster... the Blackster. Black people are WAY too awesome to be Hipsters. The Blacksters are the ones who look a bit like the Chocolate Rain guy from YouTube fame mixed with Spike Lee or Bob Dylan. Anyhow... this guy was training one of these Blacksters to "know what to buy from the customer." This trainee was going to buy everything of mine until the Eggplant Thick Rimmed Irony walked into the mix. He told me that I needed to "wash those jeans before they would buy them." THEY HAVE TAGS ON THEM! I pointed that out and then he said, "Well, (smug chuckle) I guess what I mean is that our staple is really dark wash skinny jeans and this style is kinda yesterday." NO. Fucking No. If you want to get technical, the skinny jean is a bastardized bi-product of 1986. If you were to catch on fire in the pant region you would die trying to get your foot out of the bottom of the tightly tapered pant leg. Trust me, I know. I got out of my skinny jeans by the skin of my teeth one time when I spilled some gasoline on my leg at the pump and then later that night smoked and an ember ignited a'top my right thigh. Skinny Jeans are not performance gear. If you can't exit your clothing in less than 20 seconds, it could kill you in certain circumstances. I've done the physics on this. I use to time myself getting in and out of clothes "just in case" and 20 seconds is primo for survival. (this was before I started taking my retard pills... life is different now and I've thrown out my stop watches)

I watched these assholes buy another Hipster's clothes... every item... and you know what? One of the skirts had a safety pinned-on FOX TAIL on the back of it

Sooooo.... I can just pin some non-sequitor shit on a brown butt stained diagonal cut skirt and you'll give me 50 bucks for it? Suckers. You haven't met the Super Jew.... I will take all their money because the joke is now on them. Ironic isn't it.

I went to the thrift store immediately following the adventure to the Ironic Isle of Super Dope Hipsters and bought the ugliest shit in the store. I'm currently ripping apart my stuffed animals from childhood and I'll be safety pinning some CareBear feet to a shredded beige satin dirty slip..... cause' I'm gonna be rich biaaaatch! Some fucking asshole in the "Dallas scene" will be wearing a butt stained thrift store slip with CareBear feet safety pinned to it and someone will say to that bullshit hipster, "Chloe you are really authentic and super dope chicka." (that is said in the most white girl Ivy League school accent you can muster up... wearing a similar outfit with no form or shape)

If the aliens come (which they will) and they happen to land anywhere near Buffalo Exchange, West Village, Angelika Movie Theatre, Magnolia Pictures, Exposition Park, Whole Fucking Foods, or Taco Diner, they will walk out of the craft and a Hipster will approach them and say, "Hey fellow, I dig your super stacked rainbow starship ma'an. Want to join Occupy Dallas? We are gonna hang out in our really expensive REI tent and stick it to capitalism bro... and my girlfriend makes some dope ass Star Wars cupcakes and my tight ass peep Chloe can knit you like a sweet scarf or whatev' ..."

At which point I hope that the GammaRay8900.Zark Gun will NOT be used and that the alien will decide to just punch that asshole in the fucking mouth.

Listen to me though... I'm talkin' about aliens n' shit... fucking what! My point is that I hate Buffalo Exchange Hipsters. I'm going to open up a store with the money I get from selling them butt-stained slips with CareBear feet safety pinned to them and it's gonna be called, "Llama Trading Company." I'll make them think that all the money goes to some Llama fund in to save fucking Llamas or some shit and I'll buy all my merch' (yeah that's another thing hipsters do is abbreviate all words)... from the shithole Mexican owned shops in Garland (canvas peasant shoes, dirty brown oversized sweaters, slips...) and I'll share my profits with the Mexican store owners and we will build fucking waterparks and carnivals and drink Corona and shoot our guns into the night sky and buy Esmerelda's tamales because "she workeen wreel harr en dem," and bounce houses, fat adorable mexican babies will get candy.... Oh it will be the revolution!

Ja ja ja ja ja ja (evil Mexican laugh)

Anyone want in on this business idea?

I've got more to say about Hipsters but I'm going to tag in my comedy partner on the next phase of hipster rant.

Anyhow... that's my 2 cent slip for the day.