Recently in the DFW area,
We have had a great deal of bad winter weather. I mean, it's nothing like what is happening on the east coast or Minnesota... but, if you live in the north, you sort of expect that you will be punched in the balls by weather conditions at some point. Am I right?
Here in Texas, "we don't take kindly to dark n' scary cold clouds."
For me, personally speaking, I would rather light myself on fire rather than have to be cold for more than a week. It's been at least three weeks of this arctic tundra crap. I'm about ready to start pouring the gasoline on my body.
What is worse than being super cold and hating it?
Answer: Hot Shot Weather people who are late for fun. Or as I like to call them, HSW's.
What is a Hot Shot Weather person?
Answer: The kind of person who says things/does things with full on religious zealot energy in the worst weather conditions. You mix that type of person with the "Late For Fun" attitude...
You have a hazardous state of affairs to contend with.
Did you know that last Friday in the DFW metroplex there were 402 car accidents in 30 minutes?
That is a real number... I'm not making that up at all. In fact, the number is probably higher than that. I sort of stopped watching the news after that information entered my ear.
Why was there 402 wrecks in 30 minutes you ask?
Answer: Hot Shot Weather People who are Late For Fun.
I want you to really think about that for a minute... don't worry, I'll wait..........................................
Done thinking?
FOUR HUNDRED AND TWO accidents in THIRTY MINUTES. Can you imagine the various fire station workers after Friday night? I can...
"So Dan, um... you think I can take a quick nap now or um... (emergency call ring)....DAMN IT... are you serious? How many? Come on Steve, you are totally yanking my chain right? What the *#$#@! We live in a state full of 4x4 trucks? How Steve? How?"
Last Friday-
I was working in Fort Worth doing my show there the entire day. When I left the parking garage that day, I could see the highway from a higher vantage point. I swear to you with zero exaggeration, it looked EXACTLY like something in a Michael Bay film: An unnecessary action sequence that does NOT further the plot of the movie whatsoever.
Let's see, we have...
Giant SUV's sliding backward down the overpasses? Check.
Small sedan on fire with screaming woman holding her face watching it burn? Check.
Three small cars and one giant douchebag truck entangled around a street lamp? Check.
Hundreds of flares and police officials waving their arms in the air saying,"Go Around." Check.
No less than 12 emergency vehicles parked on the shoulder of I-30? Check.
Excessive car horn honking and muffled yelling background noise? Check.
Local News crews taking up residence on the side of embankments? Double Check.
....Michael Bay Movie?
What the hell happened?
Answer again: Hot Shot Weather People who were Late For Fun.
If you were one of the people trying to "speed" down the highway.... the highway that was covered in oily slickidy slick ice 4 inches thick...
Do me a favor and shoot your tires out while you still have limbs. I'm totally not kidding.
Do the world a favor and check yourself out of the driving game. We don't want you anymore.
However,
The MOST irritating thing to me about HSW people is how they talk about their future driving plans.
Here's an example:
"We still have plans to go to that play tonight in Downtown, right?"
My Answer: Um... have you been outside? That (probably stupid) play is about the last thing on my priority list right now. It is taking a backseat to Survival (number one) or Inconvenient Stupid Situation I Don't Want (number two).
They might say, "Nah, it's fine. Everyone is over reacting. I don't even need a jacket! I like the cold."
Okay hot shot, you don't wear that jacket. Jackass. You are, at best, buzzard food in the near future.
(For a moment I thought about not cursing in this blog but I can't stop myself. It's unnatural to not curse when your blood is boiling. Plus, if you are offended by the cursing, don't read the blog. It's that simple. )
There were several situations during the icy road conditions that made me reconsider whether or not lead was contaminating the water supply here in DFW. I really believe something is super wrong with a lot of people that I know.
The following happened to me several times during the worst of the winter sh**...
I, Melodee, would have a very natural concern about driving 25 miles from where I live to be at 'unsaid' place. I would voice my concerns to 'unsaid' people. These people (there were several) would say, "I just looked outside and it's not bad at all."
IT'S NOT BAD WHERE YOU LIVE ASSHOLE! BUT YOU AREN'T THE CENTER OF THE F***ing WINTER STORM!
This was my favorite ACTUAL quote/situation... (This came from an event that was scheduled on the worst possible day during the winter ice fest of 2015)
(phone call)
Me: Is the event cancelled for tomorrow?
Answer: No. It's supposed to be above freezing so it's still scheduled.
Me: I'm looking at the news right now and it's only supposed to be a high of 34 degrees.
Answer: Uh huh. So, we will see you there!
Listen to me people...
If it has been sleeting for over a week on and off, with the climax of that ice being the night before this event... Do you really think the minute the temperature gets above freezing the roads will be 100% A-f***in'-okay?
Hot Shot Weather People think that. Hot Shot Weather people also think that, "slowing down on the ice" is merely a suggestion.
I happen to know for a fact that the person that answered the phone lives ACROSS THE STREET from where the event was taking place.
Again.... sorry to flog a deader than dead horse here people but I gotta...
JUST BECAUSE YOU LOOK OUTSIDE OF YOURRRRRR DOOR AND IT'S NOT BAD, DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYONE ELSE HAS THE SAME POV CAM. (point of view camera)
I wonder if there was a tribe back during the Ice Age that received a message somehow in their ancient way of receiving messages... probably some type of scout newb that was sent out to see what the neighboring tribes were doing...
(out of breath) "Chief Hot Shot! The entire world is covered in ice. Lil' Newb can't possibly bring back the feather of an Eagle for our Spring tidings on time?! What do you mean it looks fine here? I just told you that the entire world was covered in ice! "
And that was the first Hot Shot Weather Person who would be late for fun.
That tribe died out from being stupid.
You should tell people that story if they are HSW people. You can really juice it out and make it seem like an old ancient proverb or some shit. HSW's are so stupid they will totally believe it. Hell, it might keep them from making impulse monkey brain decisions in hazardous weather conditions.
Look, here's the deal...
Don't ask me to go do shit when you know I'll be taking a risk that will either: A) Kill me. B)Kill someone else via my vehicle. C) Force me to sit in a line of cars on a major highway, cold n' shivering, burning gas, and getting angrier and more resentful of you & your stupid ass plan by the second.
I won't go.
I quit.
I don't care about my job, a plan, or anything in conditions like that. If there is more than a 20% chance I will have to make a call to my insurance company later that day, I'm not interested in going.
There's nothing THAT important that you need me to do. Nothing. I'm not a doctor, an EMT, firefighter, police officer or a DOT sand truck driver. The reason I'm not any of those things is because I hate it when people NEED me for sh**. You don't need me. There's no "emergency entertainers."
However, I will say that I AM a clown part-part-time at a children's hospital. However, I doubt any of the kids I see would like to hear, "Melodee isn't here today because she died in an icy tangled up wreck on Airport Freeway. She was trying to get here... to see you." I don't carry a cross with me to work for a good reason. Someone already did that 2500 years ago so that I wouldn't have to.
Disclaimer: I'm not callous, I'm being logical. Something that most entertainers are not, sadly. I'm sure a select few of them would say, "that's why you aren't a serious clown/actor/whatever..." To that I will say, "what are you even talking about? Hello, I'm Clown Oxymoron. I took my job as a clown so serious that I ignored all logic in order to make children laugh, but they didn't, cause I'm dead now."
I digress...
You aren't late for fun. Nobody is having fun when they are STUCK IN A LINE OF TRAFFIC FOR 4 HOURS!!!!!! NOBODY.
Last thing:
The bartenders/waiters at the restaurant you want to go "have fun at" during the ice storm... They are definitely NOT having fun. Furthermore, they hate you. YOU are the reason why they are STILL at work asshole.
OKAY.... I'm done. I have cabin fever. Maybe I should go out and have fun. I hope I'm not too late.
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