Once upon a time in the Land of Gar,
There lived a self-proclaimed princess and her hand maiden offspring who happened to be a mute when it was convenient for her to be silent when faced with dire responsibility of defending the kingdom.
Verily, that is not the point of the story...
The princess wasn't a beautiful fair princess at all. In fact, she had no discernible features from the dark elves or warlocks who lived in the surrounding trailer parks.
Yet, somehow through the power of snake magic, she managed to adopt one of the angelic beings from the higher realm of Di Enay, (sound it out for maximum funny)and spend her life in comfort, never lifting a finger to toil among the serfs.
However, this tale takes place in present day....
The princess transformed into her true form, a Witch. She no longer had the snake magic that brought her riches and glory nor could she retain the admiration of other angelic beings from the higher realms of Di Enay. She found a new type of magic from the troglodytes encamped in the surrounding bogs by Methy Mountain.
Methy Mountain was a forbidden place to the angelic beings from the higher realms of Di Enay. They knew that this potion would be poison and would manifest revolting and ghastly shapeshifting properties thus transforming them into a skeletal dark fanged bog monster. The princess however, decided it was a worthwhile quest to undergo, because she always got what she wanted, and she summoned her veracious appetite for snake magic and hoodwinked the king into giving her his bank account information, retirement funds, his children's inheritance, and obviously his better judgment.
A ruffian appeared, as they always do, at the gate of Methy Mountain. She had no trepidation in following him to the summit. After all, she was wearing her snake magic vestments and knew in her snaky heart that no harm would come to her for the king is but a simple farmer from Germania, and lo', thinks like a simple farmer from Germania. The king said, "There is but no such a thing as the Methy Mountain you speak of! The princess is but a princess, as she has told me time and time again through countless trials and tribulations I have undertook for some reason I have yet to know what the cause is, that she would never be among the troglodytes of Methy Mountain! Hark!(I don't know, it's funny)"
You see, the angelic being of the higher realm of Di Enay (that the princess and king adopted) tried to warn the kingdom of the princess' quest and had prophesied of this very thing happening. She had also spoken ill of the princess' intentions and of her snake magic for YEARS. Yet not a soul in the kingdom ever took heed to the warnings of such farcical whims of a being they revered as being an outsider and worse, a story teller.
Word had spread throughout the kingdom of the possible trade route of the princess to Methy Mountain. The Land of Gar Henchmen had captured the princess several times and, as it always is in the kingdom, the king gave them his gold and the angelic adopted being's gold as a way to retrieve the princess. You may be asking or not asking, "Yes, all is good my witty story-teller, but where o' where is the hand maiden daughter of the king and princess? Does she not have stake in the well being of her captor, I mean, her princess, I mean, her MOM?" And Lo' there was also an adopted son, but he is entirely irrelevant because he doesn't have a soul most of the time.
As story tellers often do, I will tell you only the parts of this story that have significance and the hand maiden does not have any.
You see, long long ago there was a pact made between the king, princess, and the hand maiden, that would allow the hand maiden to be free from all scrutiny or responsibility within the kingdom walls...much like the princess/witch.
All responsibility would invariably fall on the adopted angelic being of the higher realm of Di Enay.
The henchmen of Gar warned the king that his princess was "cruisin' for a bruisin'," but the king made no apparent changes to the regime. Instead he proclaimed that the stolen goods and gold from the kingdom must be the work of mysterious thieves of nightfall, and lo', installed 12 torches of light surrounding the castle as well as new locks and fucking trap cameras from the Army Navy store.
The princess had a new title given to her by the low dwelling troglodytes living inside Methy Mountain. She would be their leader now and would be deemed The Witch of Methy Mountain. Her new title and a new sense of purpose enabled her to regain her snake magic ten fold. She returned to the kingdom with the potion from the mountain as well as the physical burden of partaking in the smoking of that poison.. I mean...potion, meth.... Whatever.
She began to shapeshift like the wizards of dark elvish magic. She became like the undead that dwell in the Primordial Pond of Bad Di Enay. The undead, which have gray fangs, skeletal protrusions and holes the size of quarters in their brain which make them speak in riddles and chew on the inside of their mouths, making their dwellings out of knick-knacks and piles of trash. The king noticed the words of the princess being more confusing and mercurial than normal, but assumed that it was menopause and nothing more. After all, the Henchmen of Gar had released the princess so she obviously wasn't in possession of stolen goods or the bountiful illegal harvest of the Methy Mountain anymore. (ugh)
The Witch of Methy Mountain knew that the adopted angelic being of the higher realm of Di Enay must know of her secret trade routes to collect the illegal harvest of the troglodytes because she would routinely proclaim to the kingdom of her knowledge of this. This was not without consequence for the adopted angelic being who's various finery and expensive things would be hidden from her site and then returned 2 weeks later damaged or wouldn't be the same item at all. The adopted angelic being doesn't want to live in the kingdom, but half of the kingdom is hers so she represses a great deal of inner torment and evil tyrannical warrior tendencies in hopes that one day the Witch and the handmaiden will be overthrown... or just the witch, that's it really... just the witch needs to fuckin' GO.
The Witch of Methy Mountain has a birthday today. "Yippy"... said no one.
What does one get a Witch of Methy Mountain? Perhaps a cake? No, no, verily I say the Witch does not eat anymore and the cake will spoil due to being hidden for weeks thus ensuring that nobody in the kingdom will get a piece until it creates the poison of the bowels. A card perhaps? Ha! You fools. Everyone knows the Witch of Methy Mountain no longer reads sentiments from the kingdom! Tis but a fool who would think she would give heed to such an emotional outpouring of support.
Ah, there is one thing that the Witch of the Meth could receive...
Jail time.
The best gift of all. For the Witch of Methy Mountain would be held accountable for her wrongdoing, thievery, and snake magic for ONCE IN HER LIFE. Her hand maiden would cry and cry but she too needs a hard kick to the ass. The king would be free to rule the kingdom by retiring and going on fishing expeditions.
What about the angelic adopted being from the higher realm of Di Enay?
She would strip naked and dance the dance of her people in the streets of Gar,
and would rummage through the stockpiles of hoarded boxes to find anything belonging to her, and would burn the rest in a ceremonial fire to the God of Justice. Why even the Henchmen of Gar would allow this gloating!
Yet, sadly, this is just a tale. Nothing more, nothing less than a tale. It seems the moral of this story is that telling the tale, being able to tell a tale, or having the sense of humor it takes to understand the players of the tale, is its own kingdom full of riches that cannot be stolen or smoked.
*Note to God- Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to see throughout my life how drugs have ruined people I love, and how you have given me the gift of being scared shitless of losing my teeth as well as growing up seeing paranormal entities waft through my room, which has prevented me from experimenting with drugs out of total raw fear of the darkside and toothloss. So thank you for that. I would also like to mention that I do not want to get my mom, I mean the Witch of Methy Mountain, a birthday gift because she has all of my gifts(and some of my friend's gifts) in a pawn shop somewhere.... so that being said, I hope I get extra angel points for going and getting her a gift today... yes, yes, and a card. I would like to ask one more thing... If you could heal up that part of her brain that hides in the bathroom for hours, that would be super coo' because I haven't showered in a week. Thanks. Loveyoumeanit. Tell Jesus and the Arch Angels I said whats up and I'd really like it if they would just hang out with me once in a while. OH I almost forgot... tell Milkdud(my dog I lost this last year) that I give her permission to haunt me if she has the time but to not appear when I'm in the shower, which I never can get into anyway so that shouldn't be an issue, but still... it's a deep fear of shower ghosts, so any other time would be great for that haunting.. just not while I'm in the shower. Ever. Which again, shouldn't be hard because I'm never in that ho... cause I can't be in there... cause there's a methhead with weird paranoia that hides in there.
God, please fix this... and by "this" I mean everything. Oh and if you can't fix everything all at once... the second thing I really need you to fix or explain or something is the hoarding of perishable food items under her bed. I need that explained to me or solved because I... I just do.
"I pitty da' fool who mess wit Drug."
-Mr. T
