Below is a list. This list contains a detailed breakdown of what we (the list makers, M. Lenz and K. Walker n' co of Freezin Beggar Films) call "Defective Units or DUs"
Definition of Defective Unit: Any person(s) who split from the
acceptable route of life and do habitual things that are unacceptable, retarded, and potentially dangerous or life-threatening to themselves or others.
Just like objects that are "defective," these living "Defective Units" should be on a recall list. They need to be shipped back to the "human factory" and some skilled Mexican angels will run a diagnostic and determine what missing parts are needed.
Below you will see a very specific list of Human Defective Unit Recalls:
Hoarde
rs:
Anim
al hoarder
s, stuff hoa
rders, junk ho
arders, ALL hoarders...
(this will be
detailed in recall
specifics further do
down in this list
)
Grown men who dress
up like babies
People who buy "virtual r
eal estate"
People with foo
t fetishes
People who
get off on being pierced
and hung up by chunks of skin
"Duster" addicts
Those exotic pet people -- people who own like four iguana
s and a b
oa constrictor and a baby lyn
x and spend all their money on rats and crickets
and special tanks a
nd pens, but they live in a converted garage and work at Targe
t.
Peo
ple who drop out of school the semester befor
e they're gonna graduate.
People who leave their kids/pets in the car for extended periods of time.
Pe
ople who join the mil
itary and then get really upset whe
n they have to go to war.
Most Asians...mainly this one.
People who spend over 10% of their gov'ment checks on lottery tickets.
People who routinely complain to a manager about the service/food when they go out to eat and then get the bill paid for "on the house" and clean their plates. These people will also return sunglasses a year later for a scratched lens. They always get their money back.
People who carry their dogs in designer handbags.
People who get so upset when the Dallas Cowboys lose that they ruin Sunday for everyone. Thanks Dad... Thanks for the emotional hatred association I have for Sunday. KFC and emotional abuse... eat up.
People who talk back to movies like Rambo or Goodfellas, "why you shootin' at him dumb ass he don't have your back."
People who send away for "Work from Home" packets and then talk to everyone they know about someone they don't know who recently bought a Ferrari in 30 days from selling hot mustard stock on ebay or some bullshit... (this goes into "people who think they will win shit" category)
People who think dinosaurs are Jesus horses. (always funny)
People who go barefoot in public places (grocery stores, fairs, malls)
Pregnant women smoking & drinking at the local bar
Daily excessive masturbation to any/all porn &
Anime porn addicts
People who dress in costumes and fuck
People who fuck animals
People who eat their boogers over the age of 9 and aren't retarded
This...all of this...
People who talk too loud, too often, and give play by play plot breakdowns to a movie you haven't seen, video game you care nothing for, or a situation you were not privy to/has nothing to do with you and isn't in the slightest interesting but they use the first names of the people involved as though you "know them too."
People who work as "actors" in a haunted house and go to Denny's after "the show" to talk about "the show."
People who pamper their overgrown pre-teens.. (who do at least 5 of the things on this list)and tell them they are "more mature and more talented than anyone alive"....the overgrown child believes this and therefore becomes a certified "Defective Unit," prime for a recallin'.
People who watch YouTube videos of someone saying the same thing over and over again with a silly hat on and they try and show you this video over and over again until you "get it"...
Also...
Directly linked to these Defective Unit people are the people who believe
"Tim & Eric Awesome Show" is the funniest show ever
made. It's not funny. It's not. You are stoned. Watch it sober you asshole. If a show has "a funny moment" every 15 episodes, as a general rule it should be classified as NOT FUNNY. If you find it NOT funny when you aren't stoned, then you have hope and we may be able to remove you from the Defective Unit Recall list.
*The authors of this list (myself and Kristen Walker) have been forced to watch the show numerous times and we did so with an open mind and even with booze and on average we squeaked out a laugh every 10th episode. We both agree that if anyone forces us to watch this show again we will call the cops.
People who shit more than 4 times a day and aren't "sick." These people typically spend at least 25 minutes or more in bath'oom lockdown and find this completely reasonable. If I can drive to another county while you are shitting, you need to go to the hospital. You have been RECALLED.
People who think real food is "weird," and will typically order the following things at 5 Star restaurants: Peanut butter and jelly, pizza, Totinos pizza rolls, Dorit
os, or McDonalds Chicken nuggets. Note: these same people will not eat french fries if the fries are cut in a way that is different from what they have eaten before. I watched an 11 year old cry one time when the french fries weren't what they knew. Someone needs to explain that this isn't okay and that a potato is still a potato no matter what how it is sculpted.... Or get your neck snapped by me- your choice?
People who don't bathe for more than seven days, don't bathe their children regularly and allow their kids to have sticky shit on their hands and mouths. These DU's are being recalled to get their Filth Tolerance Filter replaced.
OR
People who wipe the ass of their child when he/she over 4 years old but won't clean up the snot from their nose.
People who fake pregnancies then adopt children and expect their close friends to "not notice," the child is 3 1/2 years of age. (don't ask me how I know this...sigh)
People who are pregnant and give birth in a Walmart bathroom and then dispose of 'said' child in the Walmart bathroom... and then casually purchase a pair of pumps. (google that story... it's real)
People who summon demons 'cause they like partying and want to see something bad ass.
*An episode of Paranormal State that is a must see. This particular DU said the following in a rich n' delicious Mississippi river accent, "I mean what child don't wanna sell they soul to be a werewolf? That be just kid stuff n' all. A kid bein' a kid, y'know I mean, who wouldn't sell they soul to tha' devil n'all to be a werewolf? I mean. Werewolves are kick ass."
Multi-million dollar companies (owners and upper management) who still run their entire database on Windows 98 and pay a third party tech-support asshole 45,000 a year to play World of Warcraft and answer questions with "yeah um, just shut it off, go into SafeMode and then..yeah just do that first... then call me back if you have any problems." The business owners and the tech support guy are DUs & will be recalled for upgrades.
People who plan "dinners" 6 months ahead of time, i.e. easter, thanksgiving, etc... Unless you are planning on throwing a giant block party there needs to be only 48 hours of planning to this. Don't bother us with your insignificant plan...If you plan it, we won't go. Period.
Everyone I've ever ever seen on the show "Bridezillas." There is no recall on them, they should just be shot alongside their weak ball-less men.
People who overfeed their pets cause "Sugarpops loves itz some'z eclairs... look at 'eem eat it! awwww," and then get distraught when the pet dies within 5 months. If its stomach drags the floor, it isn't hungry. It's dying.
People who think the government is spending a great deal of time talking to alien races and reverse engineering space craft so that the Russians won't do it first. (this is still a common thought... Russia is of no concern, hasn't been for a hot second)
People who have no boundaries with their children under 18 and habitually vent out their very personal problems to them and say things to their 13 year old like, "Well, yeah, you don't pay for rent and I don't charge you room and board so be grateful." Um... that's your kid- they don't pay rent. That's called "being a parent."
People who buy more than 10 of the same thing but not things you ever need 10 of. (this is classified into Hoarders or planners)
People(especially people named Namir) who get a scuff mark on their shoes and then freak the fuck out and throw their shoes away.
All Jimmy Buffet fans who call themselves "Parrotheads" or younger fans "Parakeets" It's just fucking TRASH. Put some conditioner in your nasty seahag hair.
People who talk really quietly in loud places and really loud in quiet places. (I've met a few of these people, tho' rare they are terribly upsetting to the balance of the force)
People who ask obvious questions in corporate meetings when everyone just wants to get the fuck out. These people have "concerns" and usually when they hear words like, "Does anyone have any questions before we wrap this up?" These people will undoubtedly have NOT a question but a "comment," and it will be open ended and awkward and despite hearing the sighs of their peers in surround sound they continue sulking in the long pause and then say, "what do you think?" At which point the person in power will be forced to say something but then won't wrap up because the D-Unit will have "another question NOT question but comment."
People who use their tax return on everything that they don't need when they are in need of some major stuff...i.e. their dogs need medical attention, they need a root canal, and there is a hole the size of a dinner plate in the ceiling BUT they will buy a snow mobile.... they live in Houston.
People who like the "Free Credit Report.COMMMMM" commercials because the songs are "fun."
The person responsible for the "Five Dollar Fooooot Looonnng" Subway song.
People who audition for American Idol who are so bad at singing that dogs leave the room when they sing
Nudists
People who fuck children and those who think fucking children is a "taboo of society" and we need to just "get over ourselves" and learn to accept child-fuckers
Insane Clown Posse fans
People who take their three small children to Wal-Mart at 11 pm and shop for an entire cartful of groceries, up to and including trying on shoes while their kids scream in the cart on top of the off-brand Count Chocula
People who are or claim to be "scared" of things that in no way inspire fear: mustard, cotton balls, clowns...
Jews who hate Israel
People who get diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and go to an acupuncturist
Anyone over the age of 11 who screams or cries when they have to get their blood drawn or get a shot
People who drive their car without putting oil or anything in it besides gas and then wonder why it stops running
People who live in utter, abject filth, with piles of slimy dishes crawling with roaches and shitty toilets and bathtubs choked with mold and brown stuff
Anyone with more than three cats
People who take out $25,000 in student loans and then bitch about being in debt
Anyone who dresses their little girl up like a grown supermodel, or even worse anyone woman who dresses up like Ke$ha and then dresses their ten-year-old up like Ke$ha and they go out in public together as though it's "cute" when in reality it's just dick-shriveling and weird... and if it DOESN'T shrivel your dick, you shouldn't have a dick 'cause you're a creepy perv
Totally untalented people who think they're gonna win shit... you know there is a fat 46-year-old somewhere right now doing the perfect 'shup in his studio apartment who thinks he's gonna be the next Ninja Warrior
There IS gold, though, and it is this blog.
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