Defective Units- People Who Should Be Recalled

Below is a list. This list contains a detailed breakdown of what we (the list makers, M. Lenz and K. Walker n' co of Freezin Beggar Films) call "Defective Units or DUs"

Definition of Defective Unit: Any person(s) who split from the

acceptable route of life and do habitual things that are unacceptable, retarded, and potentially dangerous or life-threatening to themselves or others.

Just like objects that are "defective," these living "Defective Units" should be on a recall list. They need to be shipped back to the "human factory" and some skilled Mexican angels will run a diagnostic and determine what missing parts are needed.

Below you will see a very specific list of Human Defective Unit Recalls:

Hoarde

rs:

Anim

al hoarder

s, stuff hoa

rders, junk ho

arders, ALL hoarders...

(this will be

detailed in recall

specifics further do

down in this list

)

Grown men who dress

up like babies

People who buy "virtual r

eal estate"

People with foo

t fetishes

People who

get off on being pierced

and hung up by chunks of skin

"Duster" addicts

Those exotic pet people -- people who own like four iguana

s and a b

oa constrictor and a baby lyn

x and spend all their money on rats and crickets

and special tanks a

nd pens, but they live in a converted garage and work at Targe

t.

Peo

ple who drop out of school the semester befor

e they're gonna graduate.

People who leave their kids/pets in the car for extended periods of time.

Pe

ople who join the mil

itary and then get really upset whe

n they have to go to war.

Most Asians...mainly this one.

People who spend over 10% of their gov'ment checks on lottery tickets.

People who routinely complain to a manager about the service/food when they go out to eat and then get the bill paid for "on the house" and clean their plates. These people will also return sunglasses a year later for a scratched lens. They always get their money back.

People who carry their dogs in designer handbags.

People who get so upset when the Dallas Cowboys lose that they ruin Sunday for everyone. Thanks Dad... Thanks for the emotional hatred association I have for Sunday. KFC and emotional abuse... eat up.

People who talk back to movies like Rambo or Goodfellas, "why you shootin' at him dumb ass he don't have your back."

People who send away for "Work from Home" packets and then talk to everyone they know about someone they don't know who recently bought a Ferrari in 30 days from selling hot mustard stock on ebay or some bullshit... (this goes into "people who think they will win shit" category)

People who think dinosaurs are Jesus horses. (always funny)

People who go barefoot in public places (grocery stores, fairs, malls)

Pregnant women smoking & drinking at the local bar

Daily excessive masturbation to any/all porn &

Anime porn addicts

People who dress in costumes and fuck

People who fuck animals

People who eat their boogers over the age of 9 and aren't retarded

This...all of this...

People who talk too loud, too often, and give play by play plot breakdowns to a movie you haven't seen, video game you care nothing for, or a situation you were not privy to/has nothing to do with you and isn't in the slightest interesting but they use the first names of the people involved as though you "know them too."

People who work as "actors" in a haunted house and go to Denny's after "the show" to talk about "the show."

People who pamper their overgrown pre-teens.. (who do at least 5 of the things on this list)and tell them they are "more mature and more talented than anyone alive"....the overgrown child believes this and therefore becomes a certified "Defective Unit," prime for a recallin'.

People who watch YouTube videos of someone saying the same thing over and over again with a silly hat on and they try and show you this video over and over again until you "get it"...

Also...

Directly linked to these Defective Unit people are the people who believe

"Tim & Eric Awesome Show" is the funniest show ever

made. It's not funny. It's not. You are stoned. Watch it sober you asshole. If a show has "a funny moment" every 15 episodes, as a general rule it should be classified as NOT FUNNY. If you find it NOT funny when you aren't stoned, then you have hope and we may be able to remove you from the Defective Unit Recall list.

*The authors of this list (myself and Kristen Walker) have been forced to watch the show numerous times and we did so with an open mind and even with booze and on average we squeaked out a laugh every 10th episode. We both agree that if anyone forces us to watch this show again we will call the cops.

People who shit more than 4 times a day and aren't "sick." These people typically spend at least 25 minutes or more in bath'oom lockdown and find this completely reasonable. If I can drive to another county while you are shitting, you need to go to the hospital. You have been RECALLED.

People who think real food is "weird," and will typically order the following things at 5 Star restaurants: Peanut butter and jelly, pizza, Totinos pizza rolls, Dorit

os, or McDonalds Chicken nuggets. Note: these same people will not eat french fries if the fries are cut in a way that is different from what they have eaten before. I watched an 11 year old cry one time when the french fries weren't what they knew. Someone needs to explain that this isn't okay and that a potato is still a potato no matter what how it is sculpted.... Or get your neck snapped by me- your choice?

People who don't bathe for more than seven days, don't bathe their children regularly and allow their kids to have sticky shit on their hands and mouths. These DU's are being recalled to get their Filth Tolerance Filter replaced.

OR

People who wipe the ass of their child when he/she over 4 years old but won't clean up the snot from their nose.

People who fake pregnancies then adopt children and expect their close friends to "not notice," the child is 3 1/2 years of age. (don't ask me how I know this...sigh)

People who are pregnant and give birth in a Walmart bathroom and then dispose of 'said' child in the Walmart bathroom... and then casually purchase a pair of pumps. (google that story... it's real)

People who summon demons 'cause they like partying and want to see something bad ass.

*An episode of Paranormal State that is a must see. This particular DU said the following in a rich n' delicious Mississippi river accent, "I mean what child don't wanna sell they soul to be a werewolf? That be just kid stuff n' all. A kid bein' a kid, y'know I mean, who wouldn't sell they soul to tha' devil n'all to be a werewolf? I mean. Werewolves are kick ass."

Multi-million dollar companies (owners and upper management) who still run their entire database on Windows 98 and pay a third party tech-support asshole 45,000 a year to play World of Warcraft and answer questions with "yeah um, just shut it off, go into SafeMode and then..yeah just do that first... then call me back if you have any problems." The business owners and the tech support guy are DUs & will be recalled for upgrades.

People who plan "dinners" 6 months ahead of time, i.e. easter, thanksgiving, etc... Unless you are planning on throwing a giant block party there needs to be only 48 hours of planning to this. Don't bother us with your insignificant plan...If you plan it, we won't go. Period.

Everyone I've ever ever seen on the show "Bridezillas." There is no recall on them, they should just be shot alongside their weak ball-less men.

People who overfeed their pets cause "Sugarpops loves itz some'z eclairs... look at 'eem eat it! awwww," and then get distraught when the pet dies within 5 months. If its stomach drags the floor, it isn't hungry. It's dying.

People who think the government is spending a great deal of time talking to alien races and reverse engineering space craft so that the Russians won't do it first. (this is still a common thought... Russia is of no concern, hasn't been for a hot second)

People who have no boundaries with their children under 18 and habitually vent out their very personal problems to them and say things to their 13 year old like, "Well, yeah, you don't pay for rent and I don't charge you room and board so be grateful." Um... that's your kid- they don't pay rent. That's called "being a parent."

People who buy more than 10 of the same thing but not things you ever need 10 of. (this is classified into Hoarders or planners)

People(especially people named Namir) who get a scuff mark on their shoes and then freak the fuck out and throw their shoes away.

All Jimmy Buffet fans who call themselves "Parrotheads" or younger fans "Parakeets" It's just fucking TRASH. Put some conditioner in your nasty seahag hair.

People who talk really quietly in loud places and really loud in quiet places. (I've met a few of these people, tho' rare they are terribly upsetting to the balance of the force)

People who ask obvious questions in corporate meetings when everyone just wants to get the fuck out. These people have "concerns" and usually when they hear words like, "Does anyone have any questions before we wrap this up?" These people will undoubtedly have NOT a question but a "comment," and it will be open ended and awkward and despite hearing the sighs of their peers in surround sound they continue sulking in the long pause and then say, "what do you think?" At which point the person in power will be forced to say something but then won't wrap up because the D-Unit will have "another question NOT question but comment."

People who use their tax return on everything that they don't need when they are in need of some major stuff...i.e. their dogs need medical attention, they need a root canal, and there is a hole the size of a dinner plate in the ceiling BUT they will buy a snow mobile.... they live in Houston.

People who like the "Free Credit Report.COMMMMM" commercials because the songs are "fun."

The person responsible for the "Five Dollar Fooooot Looonnng" Subway song.

People who audition for American Idol who are so bad at singing that dogs leave the room when they sing

Nudists

People who fuck children and those who think fucking children is a "taboo of society" and we need to just "get over ourselves" and learn to accept child-fuckers

Insane Clown Posse fans

People who take their three small children to Wal-Mart at 11 pm and shop for an entire cartful of groceries, up to and including trying on shoes while their kids scream in the cart on top of the off-brand Count Chocula

People who are or claim to be "scared" of things that in no way inspire fear: mustard, cotton balls, clowns...

Jews who hate Israel

People who get diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and go to an acupuncturist

Anyone over the age of 11 who screams or cries when they have to get their blood drawn or get a shot

People who drive their car without putting oil or anything in it besides gas and then wonder why it stops running

People who live in utter, abject filth, with piles of slimy dishes crawling with roaches and shitty toilets and bathtubs choked with mold and brown stuff

Anyone with more than three cats

People who take out $25,000 in student loans and then bitch about being in debt

Anyone who dresses their little girl up like a grown supermodel, or even worse anyone woman who dresses up like Ke$ha and then dresses their ten-year-old up like Ke$ha and they go out in public together as though it's "cute" when in reality it's just dick-shriveling and weird... and if it DOESN'T shrivel your dick, you shouldn't have a dick 'cause you're a creepy perv

Totally untalented people who think they're gonna win shit... you know there is a fat 46-year-old somewhere right now doing the perfect 'shup in his studio apartment who thinks he's gonna be the next Ninja Warrior

I've About Had It- the hilarious tragedy of 24 hours.

Hello world of wonder and awe!

Tis I, Melodee, your subservient whippin' serf. I hope this blog makes a few of you out there(the few that read it) laugh really hard because my intention is to write what isn't really funny and put my own inner dialogue into it so that you can fully understand why I need to be beamed back up to the mothership.

I'd have to say that somehow my "tuning fork" of the law of attraction is somehow in great need of re-calibration. Nothing in the last 8 months has gone really right. It's gone right but not RIGHT. It's right but like if 'right' was really left and then squiggly and then upside down through a road of potholes in the arctic tundra while a Yeti is chasing you with a beat stick.... then you get to where you wanted to go but realize it's a hologram and the Yeti isn't a Yeti but instead is a big ass Polar bear holding a human femur. Yeah, it's just like that, JUST. like. that.

I don't care that I wrote a run-on sentence either and if anyone calls me out on that then you will represent the Polar bear in my metaphor. Dig? Okay....

So... Let me break down for all to hear what happens to me regularly.... BTW- I haven't slept in 2 days. That is important to remember... you'll see why at the end of this.

Imagine this senario and I'm not saying that this hasn't happened either, just roll with me on this....

Let say that you decide (I decided) to do something super nice for a family member(s) and I go out of my way to make sure that someone has a special day because it is their birthday. Late last night I thought I'd go to Walmart and get a gift for this person. Listen folks- already this is a feat of amazement because I HATE Walmart, hate going to Walmart, and the idea of going to Walmart is something that makes me break out in a neck rash. I was only going to Walmart because it is cheap and I figured that I'd find a certain something there that might be a bit cheaper. I should have known that it wasn't a trip of joyful adventure because immediately I was in front of a sport honker. One of those assholes who honk at you for no reason at all and they honk within .2 seconds of the light turning green... the honking ninja has the timing of a Black Mamba; striking at you with deadly force before you realize it's a snake.

I took a deep breath and said to myself, "Mel, that is just an asshole. No worries bro, just keep on task and don't let the haters hate."

I get to Walmart and within seconds of entering the store I felt that something was rotten in Denmark. In this case however, something was rotten in China. The entire store was filled with people who just stepped off the plane from China. Seriously, there were hundreds of loud ass Chinese people and old old old Chinese women pushing overfilled carts. I kept the 100 yard gaze and plowed through them all to get to the back of the store where the lamps n' shit are. I got sidetracked by an end-cap display of lightsabers and Vader helmets when all of a sudden I made eye contact with one of these chi-mas(chinese grandma) and I watched her maneuver her cart toward me while yelling in chinese to her 298 member family that were all the way across the store. It was uncomfortable to keep looking at her but I feared for my life so I turned away..... KABAMMM! She rammed me in the side with her cart and I looked at her as though I turned into a shadow demon and she was my prey. She continued to "chang chang wheuwh whewuhl chang chang ching" at her family and couldn't figure out why the obstruction(me) wouldn't move out of her way. I decided to continue my quest for a lava lamp gift and went on the correct aisle and I heard a chinese accent say, "excoo me." That's when I saw a Walmart employee (chinese) pushing a forklift (yes, pushing a forklift...not driving it....pushing it)... I naturally moved forward out of the way and then on the other side of me heard another chinese accent say, "maa'm excoo me maa'm." I turned the other way and saw a chinese man driving a forklift toward me. I have a pushing chinese forklift on the right and a driven forklift on the left.

Just like a horror film I realized it was time to run away and I walked briskly out of that aisle and immediately physically ran into a family of more chinese people who were all on cell phones and yelling, yelling, yelling.... I went around them and tried to cut through the panty and bra department and there were at least 5 or so chinese women and their brow beaten men comparing bras and yelling, yelling, yelling on cell phones.

I started thinking....

"Well, at least there are no crying bab...... " (at this point I hear a shrill scream that was similar to the one at the end of Paranormal Activity followed by a growling sound and then another scream and then more chink yelling) I looked around the corner and saw the red faced buddha baby laying down on the floor kicking while his bizarrely young looking mother and old ass grandmother were both holding up panties and sorting through a bulk ben of "damaged panties on clearance."

With full conviction I knew it was time for me to pick up the pace and just get out of the store no matter what. I threw down my basket (I hate carts, I refuse to push one) and as I walked out of the store I saw the chinese receipt checker (the same one who was pushing the forklift earlier.... apparently teleporting is required for forklift operators who transform into receipt checkers at midnight)... She tried to stop me and was looking at my pockets as though I had merchandise stuffed inside them? I didn't stop walking and then I saw the soda machine and wanted a cold cold fizzy lifting drink. I stopped and was rooting around for my change when a family of 8 chinese people cut in front of me at the soda machine that I wanted.

I said all that to say this... my quest wasn't over that night. I drove to a Walgreens and figured I'd find some piece of crap disco ball or some LED Tinkerbell bullshit to just throw in a gift bag and forgetaboutit'.... I drove to the only 24 Walgreens that is anywhere close to me and it was FULL of meth addicts who wanted to talk to me or to themselves. I found something gift related that I thought would work and was going to just buy it and get out of there. Only one problem was between me and that Tinkerbell light up pumpkin- it was on the very top shelf and surrounding it was precariously placed snowglobes. So I made a decision to get it down and with a great deal of care I stood on my tippiest of toes and got it down only to feel acute pain on my middle finger... the Tinkerbell LED pumpkin was cracked and I "happened" to grab the part that was sharp as hell and it cut me. I pretended it didn't and continued walking around the store, looking at lipstick, As Seen on TV products, and eventually ended up on the cold n' flu aisle where a CHINESE LADY SNEEZED ON ME!

I put everything back that was gift related and bought nasal spray and cough medicine... cause guess what....I'm preparing for the bird flu. Nobody runs into that many chinese people in a 1.5 hour time period and still manages to get on an aisle that doesn't sell the thing you are there to buy and you get sneezed on by a Chinese lady with a terrible chest cough.

I aborted all birthday missions last night and let it simmer in my mind overnight. Today I get up and go to Spencer's gifts to get the F-ING LAVA LAMP.... That was an ordeal too but in a very different way but nothing worth writing down.

Tonight was the "surprise" of birthday festivities and I was excited as hell to see the expression on her face when she opened the gift that I knew she would love. The whole family was present but nobody brought presents and one person bought a 10 dollar Starbucks gift card as a gift and..... (cricket sound)... nothing else. So... to help out with everything in my families life so that everyone would be free'd up for the party, I mowed the lawn (front and back) and cleaned up the house, etc...

The "party" started and along with the silence of everyone awkwardly eating cake that tasted bad was the comment made from my Dad.... "Melodee, you gotta finish the job you started." I choked a bit and said, "um... huh? (choke)"

Dad says, "You didn't get the leaf blower out and now there are leaves and grass on the grass from mowing the grass. Y' can't just leave leaves and blow grass clippins' on other people's lawns like that..."

THE WIND DID THAT. NOT ME. THE F-ING WIND DID THAT!!!!!

So I went to the back area of the house and began showing someone some really funny videos that were sent to me and I guess this is classified as "horsin' around" via my Dad so I was "punished" by the next statement.... "Melodee. There were dishes in the sink when we got here. You gotta do yer dishes."

*note: I bought everything for this birthday thing and nobody contributed anything but a starbucks card and a stale cake that said 4.99 and had an expiration date of THREE DAYS AGO.

When I decided to just go outside and live among the stray cats and the large prehistoric rats that reside under the deck is when about 7 work trucks came down the street parked close to the house and I noticed that Yellowstone-ish geyser was erupting about 3 houses down the road. The loud beeps will continue apparently (I'm told this) until 9:00am.... so all night... the beeps.... no water.... beeps.... flashing lights.... loud workin' man talkin'.... beeps.... flashing lights..... dogs barking.... beeps....

Moral of the story? The gift was perfect and appreciated. So, in essence, it's exactly like the metaphor I laid out above.... "Yeti chasing me through winding potholed roads in the arctic tundra.... get to my destination.... hologram.... oh thank God there isn't a Yeti with beat stick... oh shit, it's still a Polar Bear with a human leg bone..... but I'm safe and still made it to the end goal.

I can't help but think that my consistent "roads less travelled" is somehow a hilarious "guys night out" for God n' crew.... like a Mr. Bean movie or something... I hope I get my A&E Biography in the next 5 years because I've about had it. No listen to me... I've about had it.