I've About Had It- the hilarious tragedy of 24 hours.

Hello world of wonder and awe!

Tis I, Melodee, your subservient whippin' serf. I hope this blog makes a few of you out there(the few that read it) laugh really hard because my intention is to write what isn't really funny and put my own inner dialogue into it so that you can fully understand why I need to be beamed back up to the mothership.

I'd have to say that somehow my "tuning fork" of the law of attraction is somehow in great need of re-calibration. Nothing in the last 8 months has gone really right. It's gone right but not RIGHT. It's right but like if 'right' was really left and then squiggly and then upside down through a road of potholes in the arctic tundra while a Yeti is chasing you with a beat stick.... then you get to where you wanted to go but realize it's a hologram and the Yeti isn't a Yeti but instead is a big ass Polar bear holding a human femur. Yeah, it's just like that, JUST. like. that.

I don't care that I wrote a run-on sentence either and if anyone calls me out on that then you will represent the Polar bear in my metaphor. Dig? Okay....

So... Let me break down for all to hear what happens to me regularly.... BTW- I haven't slept in 2 days. That is important to remember... you'll see why at the end of this.

Imagine this senario and I'm not saying that this hasn't happened either, just roll with me on this....

Let say that you decide (I decided) to do something super nice for a family member(s) and I go out of my way to make sure that someone has a special day because it is their birthday. Late last night I thought I'd go to Walmart and get a gift for this person. Listen folks- already this is a feat of amazement because I HATE Walmart, hate going to Walmart, and the idea of going to Walmart is something that makes me break out in a neck rash. I was only going to Walmart because it is cheap and I figured that I'd find a certain something there that might be a bit cheaper. I should have known that it wasn't a trip of joyful adventure because immediately I was in front of a sport honker. One of those assholes who honk at you for no reason at all and they honk within .2 seconds of the light turning green... the honking ninja has the timing of a Black Mamba; striking at you with deadly force before you realize it's a snake.

I took a deep breath and said to myself, "Mel, that is just an asshole. No worries bro, just keep on task and don't let the haters hate."

I get to Walmart and within seconds of entering the store I felt that something was rotten in Denmark. In this case however, something was rotten in China. The entire store was filled with people who just stepped off the plane from China. Seriously, there were hundreds of loud ass Chinese people and old old old Chinese women pushing overfilled carts. I kept the 100 yard gaze and plowed through them all to get to the back of the store where the lamps n' shit are. I got sidetracked by an end-cap display of lightsabers and Vader helmets when all of a sudden I made eye contact with one of these chi-mas(chinese grandma) and I watched her maneuver her cart toward me while yelling in chinese to her 298 member family that were all the way across the store. It was uncomfortable to keep looking at her but I feared for my life so I turned away..... KABAMMM! She rammed me in the side with her cart and I looked at her as though I turned into a shadow demon and she was my prey. She continued to "chang chang wheuwh whewuhl chang chang ching" at her family and couldn't figure out why the obstruction(me) wouldn't move out of her way. I decided to continue my quest for a lava lamp gift and went on the correct aisle and I heard a chinese accent say, "excoo me." That's when I saw a Walmart employee (chinese) pushing a forklift (yes, pushing a forklift...not driving it....pushing it)... I naturally moved forward out of the way and then on the other side of me heard another chinese accent say, "maa'm excoo me maa'm." I turned the other way and saw a chinese man driving a forklift toward me. I have a pushing chinese forklift on the right and a driven forklift on the left.

Just like a horror film I realized it was time to run away and I walked briskly out of that aisle and immediately physically ran into a family of more chinese people who were all on cell phones and yelling, yelling, yelling.... I went around them and tried to cut through the panty and bra department and there were at least 5 or so chinese women and their brow beaten men comparing bras and yelling, yelling, yelling on cell phones.

I started thinking....

"Well, at least there are no crying bab...... " (at this point I hear a shrill scream that was similar to the one at the end of Paranormal Activity followed by a growling sound and then another scream and then more chink yelling) I looked around the corner and saw the red faced buddha baby laying down on the floor kicking while his bizarrely young looking mother and old ass grandmother were both holding up panties and sorting through a bulk ben of "damaged panties on clearance."

With full conviction I knew it was time for me to pick up the pace and just get out of the store no matter what. I threw down my basket (I hate carts, I refuse to push one) and as I walked out of the store I saw the chinese receipt checker (the same one who was pushing the forklift earlier.... apparently teleporting is required for forklift operators who transform into receipt checkers at midnight)... She tried to stop me and was looking at my pockets as though I had merchandise stuffed inside them? I didn't stop walking and then I saw the soda machine and wanted a cold cold fizzy lifting drink. I stopped and was rooting around for my change when a family of 8 chinese people cut in front of me at the soda machine that I wanted.

I said all that to say this... my quest wasn't over that night. I drove to a Walgreens and figured I'd find some piece of crap disco ball or some LED Tinkerbell bullshit to just throw in a gift bag and forgetaboutit'.... I drove to the only 24 Walgreens that is anywhere close to me and it was FULL of meth addicts who wanted to talk to me or to themselves. I found something gift related that I thought would work and was going to just buy it and get out of there. Only one problem was between me and that Tinkerbell light up pumpkin- it was on the very top shelf and surrounding it was precariously placed snowglobes. So I made a decision to get it down and with a great deal of care I stood on my tippiest of toes and got it down only to feel acute pain on my middle finger... the Tinkerbell LED pumpkin was cracked and I "happened" to grab the part that was sharp as hell and it cut me. I pretended it didn't and continued walking around the store, looking at lipstick, As Seen on TV products, and eventually ended up on the cold n' flu aisle where a CHINESE LADY SNEEZED ON ME!

I put everything back that was gift related and bought nasal spray and cough medicine... cause guess what....I'm preparing for the bird flu. Nobody runs into that many chinese people in a 1.5 hour time period and still manages to get on an aisle that doesn't sell the thing you are there to buy and you get sneezed on by a Chinese lady with a terrible chest cough.

I aborted all birthday missions last night and let it simmer in my mind overnight. Today I get up and go to Spencer's gifts to get the F-ING LAVA LAMP.... That was an ordeal too but in a very different way but nothing worth writing down.

Tonight was the "surprise" of birthday festivities and I was excited as hell to see the expression on her face when she opened the gift that I knew she would love. The whole family was present but nobody brought presents and one person bought a 10 dollar Starbucks gift card as a gift and..... (cricket sound)... nothing else. So... to help out with everything in my families life so that everyone would be free'd up for the party, I mowed the lawn (front and back) and cleaned up the house, etc...

The "party" started and along with the silence of everyone awkwardly eating cake that tasted bad was the comment made from my Dad.... "Melodee, you gotta finish the job you started." I choked a bit and said, "um... huh? (choke)"

Dad says, "You didn't get the leaf blower out and now there are leaves and grass on the grass from mowing the grass. Y' can't just leave leaves and blow grass clippins' on other people's lawns like that..."

THE WIND DID THAT. NOT ME. THE F-ING WIND DID THAT!!!!!

So I went to the back area of the house and began showing someone some really funny videos that were sent to me and I guess this is classified as "horsin' around" via my Dad so I was "punished" by the next statement.... "Melodee. There were dishes in the sink when we got here. You gotta do yer dishes."

*note: I bought everything for this birthday thing and nobody contributed anything but a starbucks card and a stale cake that said 4.99 and had an expiration date of THREE DAYS AGO.

When I decided to just go outside and live among the stray cats and the large prehistoric rats that reside under the deck is when about 7 work trucks came down the street parked close to the house and I noticed that Yellowstone-ish geyser was erupting about 3 houses down the road. The loud beeps will continue apparently (I'm told this) until 9:00am.... so all night... the beeps.... no water.... beeps.... flashing lights.... loud workin' man talkin'.... beeps.... flashing lights..... dogs barking.... beeps....

Moral of the story? The gift was perfect and appreciated. So, in essence, it's exactly like the metaphor I laid out above.... "Yeti chasing me through winding potholed roads in the arctic tundra.... get to my destination.... hologram.... oh thank God there isn't a Yeti with beat stick... oh shit, it's still a Polar Bear with a human leg bone..... but I'm safe and still made it to the end goal.

I can't help but think that my consistent "roads less travelled" is somehow a hilarious "guys night out" for God n' crew.... like a Mr. Bean movie or something... I hope I get my A&E Biography in the next 5 years because I've about had it. No listen to me... I've about had it.