I promised you all a second rant.... Kristen Walker takes the wheel.... Note: The dialog below is actual text messages between Kristen and I. Nothing added, nothing taken away. Enjoy.
As a comment on the topic of hipsters in Mel's previous post – which is perfectly spot-on – I will include the EXACT verbiage of a recent text conversation between Mel and I. It began with us bitching about a former mutual friend of ours who was being flaky and difficult. I started off the rant. Please note I am including THE EXACT WORDS, verbatim. A slash like this: / means a separate text.
Oh, and in order to protect his privacy, we’ll call the guy we’re talking about at first “Bunghole Jones.”
Kristen: He’s a hipster. He wants social interaction to be complicated cause then that proves he’s busy and important… If he just said hey let’s meet here at this time, he would look “simple” and “easy.” Hipsters want to look like they have a lot of shit going on in their lives They would admit to dropping a baby before they would admit to being free on a Saturday night.
Mel: You are so right. Bunghole Jones honestly is probably sitting in a bar by himself right now. / He probably just got out of a “venue” of like Mumford & Sons and is drinking Buttered Whiskey Tart or some gourmet drink and talking about how the new iPhone is going to have a vintage photo setting option because 45 mm films was always superior but like people in more progressive places like Holland are recycling our film canisters to make bicycle pedals for impoverished Sudanese youth.
Kristen: Nailed it. Btw Jackknife Thoom. (This is an unrelated reference but I included it for accuracy.) / No I mean you really nailed it so hard. / He definitely just saw Mumford & Sons. Somewhere in his life is a girl with brown hair who enjoys crafting and is “not looking for a serious relationship.” She has a bicycle with a basket on the front and her favorite band is Wilco.
Mel: Yes, and she loves those canvas peasant shoes called Thoms because all proceeds go to Africa. Just somewhere in Africa… Cause it’s got poor people without iPads.
Kristen: She likes wine, cats, yoga, cardigan sweaters, yarn, IKEA, sushi, American Apparel, scarves, Buffalo Exchange, brunch, Dexter, Tom’s shoes, anime, salad, and Volvo. / Damn dude Thoms shoes jinx.
Mel: …”yeah so pretty much I just made this beret for you Bunghole Jones. I know you don’t wear hats like that but I was whatev’ and yeah…” (she stands pigeon toed and looks like ensemble from Les Miserables) / Her name is Sadie but not really… it’s like Alexa but she likes to be called either Sadie or Al.
Kristen: She has center parted long brown hair with the kind of headband that goes around the head instead of over it. She pulls a slouchy cardigan down over her fingers. / Oh it’s so perfect.
Mel: Over her fingers is so nailed… I hate her.
Kristen: She says, “That’s so Raven” sometimes and people think it’s hilarious. She has a cat named after a character on Glee. She has two roommates and one of them is a dude. She has a really messy bedroom which you’re supposed to find “quirky.” She makes cupcakes.
Mel: She fucking always makes cupcakes… They probably are various “insects” like Ladybugs, Ants (3 cupcakes connected by brown frosting) or her super famous scarynotscary Spidercakes that she named Jeeves or something fucking horseshitfuckingfuckfuckng gay like that… And she “giggles”… “that makes my tummy giggle.” Her fucking fag hipster friends think that is really “amusing.”
Kristen: “That makes my tummy giggle.” Oh fuck that.
Mel: Oh fuck that so hard.
Kristen: She has watching parties for tv shows like True Blood or some shit. She has a fag friend and they call each other honey and darling and kiss each other and stuff. She calls her girl friends her “girlfriends” and will say “hey beautiful” or “Hey hot mama” to them. She is always planning her backpacking trip to Europe. “Drew said Germany was the shiz.” At parties she ironically dances to Snoop Dogg with a red plastic cup of booze in one hand… Probably Grey Goose and cranberry.
Mel: I am going to kill her. / She is so real.
Kristen: She is. She’s everywhere. / Her name is Leslie but everyone calls her Les. / Or yeah Alexa “Al.” / Or Natalie “Nat.”
Mel: Nat
Kristen: “Heeeey it’s Nat-Nat!” / She has at some point referred to herself as Natastrophe. Her old MySpace quote was “a charming mess…” / She loves Tim Burton.
Mel: Nat Nat. Oh god… Aqua Thoom. (This is unrelated.)
Kristen: She loves Jane Austen books.
Mel: She likes woolen tights.
Kristen: Oh yeah with ballet flats or ankle booties. Wedges. / Shove Thoom. / Gets me. / Urban Outfitters
Mel: I just read one of your Thooms that got me… Snackpack
Kristen: It’s strong. / It’s ridiculous.
(We go on about Thooms for a while and then we get back to Nat Nat.)
Mel: Nat Nat.
Kristen: Oh God. I hate her.
Mel: Yes. The cupcake thing. Dude. Dude…
Kristen: “That makes my tummy giggle…” / She is 24 and for her 25th birthday she wants to have a pub crawl… On bicycles.
Mel: Pub crawl. Yeah and she goes to Zombie crawls on 6th Street in Austin in December. / She is empowered by not shaving her arm pits… Much. / She loathes cigarettes but smokes weed and does Salvia.
Kristen: Yeah she has one tattoo. On her wrist. / She went through a Sailor Moon phase. She still has collectibles but now she keeps them in the bathroom. / She has a photo somewhere on her Facebook of her wearing a beanie and eating a lollipop. / She won’t get pedicures cause she feels bad for the Asians. / She wants to insist that people take off their shoes when they come in the house but she’s afraid people might not want to. / On her way to Austin with friends they have a ritual. The first horses they see they yell “HORSEYS!” And then giggle. /
Mel: Omg… laughing in rage. The wrist tat is blacklight.
Kristen: Yeah it is. It so is.
Mel: She carries around a blacklight laser keychain just to show people.
Kristen: That hurts.
(An interlude.)
Mel: Recorded message from Nat Nat… “Hey it’s Nat Nat boo! Heh heh so yeah what’s the what what? I’m just relaxed listening some old Bowie tunes and make my girlfriend’s man’s puppy a sweater awwww right?! Yeah I’m pretty awesome heh heh but shout out to your Nat!”
Kristen: omg. Oh fuck you. Fuck you so hard.
Mel: Ha! / “hey it’s Nat Nat. Um. So. Imma’ make it rain cause I just finished your man’s puppy’s sweater! Oh Em Jee! It’s bomb! Heh. Your man is gonna love me more! Heh I’m just joshin like a josher can player. Anywiz, I’m done-zo and it’s fun-zo up in this biatch so shout at a Nat!”
Kristen: I am gonna stop talking to you forever now. I am filled with rage at your inner Nat.
Mel: It’s so nailed.
Kristen: Hey kids it’s Natty! Leave me a mizz-jizz and I’ll hitcha back!
Mel: Logan’s hipster voice mail outgoing message: “Hello?... Wha?... I can’t hear you fools? Jay Kay… It’s Natteroma’s Vee Emm! Leave a message after the beep Beep! Heh Jay Kay! … (real beep)”
Kristen: Tell Logan I said to go to hell.
Mel: I did and he laughed hard. He says “why did the hipster burn her mouth?”
Kristen: Why?
Mel: “cause she ate mac n chee before it was cool.”
Kristen: Omg.
Mel: It’s deep.
Kristen: It really is. / No it is.
That is the best thing EVER. God I fucking hate hipsters.
ReplyDeleteThanks Heatha' B.... ha ha... great profile shot of you too by the way.
ReplyDeleteKristen and I worked with the first phase of hipsters to infiltrate the the world... back in 2005?(ish) We worked at a newspaper, a legal newspaper.. typing our asses off all day.... and this creature from an Ivy league school who wore oversized brown sweaters that came over her fingers, ragamuffin skirts or baby shit brown cords that had been "mended with awesome patches of yaya's quilts".... anyhow... She said the worst phrase all the fucking time... if if if she agreed with you on something she would say, "yah kid".....fuck that.