Welcome to America- Home of the Fear

Yeah... I'm talking shit about our country. This won't be a political thing... I don't give a rats ass about politics because it really isn't going to change anything... it is the people of this country that suck ass. Afterall... WE are the majority.

I'm not blaming anyone in a political position because they are but a few. It is the rest of us retards that are making things suck balls.

I was waiting for inspiration to hit me this morning and it did. I turned on HLN (News channel). I probably don't need to say anything more but fuck it, I am.

The first thing I saw took place in Hollywood. A "crazy (and now dead) gunman" was walking on Hollywood boulevard shooting at people when this guy started video taping him out of his apartment window and shouted at him, "Hey Madman. Hey, shoot me, I want to die. God Loves you man. I love you man, ".... his motive was to "distract" the gunman. You know what? It fucking worked. The police show up and end up shooting this 26 year old drug addict who's girlfriend just dumped him... yeah, he's dead now. (FACT: the gunman didn't kill anyone, 5 people are injured though)

Anyhow... This guy who shot the video DID distract the gunman but it's obvious to me that EVERYONE'S MOTIVE EXCEPT THE GUNMAN, WAS COMPLETELY BULLSHIT. The gunman's motive- simple. He's clearly on drugs, he was out of his mind, terribly sad, and Los Angeles will make you want to get a gun and start poppin' people in the mouth..drugs...drugs...... anyhow.... where was I.... Oh I remember- everyone is full of shit. The guy who was "distracting the madman gunman who's mad" by video taping him and shouting that "he too was in the mood to kill himself but thought he wouldn't because he saw this guy doing what he was doing," etc.... He didn't call 911.

He didn't. I guess he assumed that the best thing to do was fire up the video camera and distract the rabid depressed junky until the cops show up to blow his brains out on the street after he had "settled down." Everyone wanted to get attention in that situation... everyone needed their junk rubbed. The cops got to wear their "big pants" today, the gunman got to die from his sadness, and the Royal Douche in the window with his iPad gets to be talked about on HLN/CNN/FOX, etc... Everyone got stroked.

Anyhow.... I realized something. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do anymore. You will either be blamed for being a danger to society/breaking the rules... or the same action could get you numerous interviews, a book deal, and a Presidential "Fuck You're Awesome" Award.

It matters not. So what is the defining moment of judgement? Why did this guy who video taped the now-dead junky w/a gun get ridiculed in the media when only a few months ago someone video taped a guy being mauled by a fucking bear and he had a cell phone, a gun, and was supposedly "distracting" the bear from ripping his friend's face off..... How much of a distraction are you with a video camera verses if you decided to put the camera down AND FUCKING SHOOT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING GUN YOU DICKHOLE!!! The media said the bear guy... video taping the bear mauling guy was "a great friend and courageous camper." FUCK YOU. GO AND FUCK YOURSELF.

Let me say this... If I had a fucking friend who decided to fucking video tape my face getting raped by a motherfucking grizzly bear instead of using the SHOT GUN that is in your other fucking hand..... that "friend" is not my friend any fuckin' more. Thanks "friend" for capturing the moment, the worst moment of my life...you know the one... when my face was ripped off by a fucking bear. Fuck you.

Anyhow... Here's another news title that is on... "Car plows into crowd, hitting six people, appears to be speeding." No! Speeding you say? I imagined he casually PLOWED into a crowd.

Get this... they interviewed 7 people about this story. The interviews were about as deep as this..."I saw the car and man I thought he' be goin' fast and then BOOM man... he done ran into the crowd." Of course they can't just have the ignorant fuck talking about it so they had to "back up his story" with the 32 year old software developer from Seattle who said, "Yes, I was on break and to my surprise I heard a loud crash and realized that people were hit by a car. He must've been speeding."

FUCKING BEAM ME UP. Nobody died in this event. Nobody. A guy was speeding, lost control of the car because the roads were slick, and he fucked up and stopped his car with people's faces. That sucks but nobody died and that is the REAL story there. Not that he was mysteriously "speeding." No fucking shit.

Last thing.... The Biggest breaking- fucking- what- the- fuck- holy -shit- News of the day is this.... (and this is on 4 Networks right now)... (drum roll needed)

"A recent scientific study has proven that drinking excessively leads to HIV."

Right.... just like spinning myself around in the front yard leads to me being in a mental institution. There is some shit in the middle of ACTION to END RESULT.

This above "scientific study" cost 5 million dollars and took 6 years to gather data that a fucking bucktoothed slobbering mountain man could figure the fuck out. They figure out that when they drink they "git nother kid." They "prolly figur dat strong drank git ya intah' big time truhhble."

So these "scientist" who spent millions of dollars on a study of "what happens or can happen in one particular situation when you drink a lot..." Those scientist were partyin' hard with that money and then crapped out some results to keep their funding going to future "no fucking shit sherlock" studies. Here's the thing that makes me fucking see red about all this...

More people than not are sitting in their living room or at work or whatever and they will see this "new study" and because of the way it's worded in the press, they will become incredibly fear driven and will at some point preach this information to someone who they resent for partyin' too much.... at which point the partyin' person will continue to party/drink because they will feel that everyone one around them is fucking retarded so they might as well keep drinking so they can get AIDS and then die. (I'm joking of course.. about the Aids part)

They will continue to drink excessively though because even someone who is shitfaced is going to know that HIV is NOT linked to drinking.... Your whore ass is but the booze is not the bad guy. YOU are the bad guy. If you a stupid enough to fuck everyone without protection, you'd do that with or without alcohol. They call their "study" a Cause & Effect research study. If I spill my Diet Coke on the floor today and don't clean it up fully then possibly in 1 year I might have a higher chance of ants. This is assuming a lot. This is assuming I never clean that spot again and routinely spill my diet coke without cleaning it up. So one could say that Diet Coke drinkers are linked to Slothfulness.

So... do you think I can get funded with my study?

"Stupidity is the leading cause of all things terrible in the motherfuckin' world."

In the time it took me to write this blog(about 20 minutes)... the guy in the news that video taped the gunman in the streets of Hollywood..... he's gone from being "irresponsible" to "he may or may not have saved lives... expert strategist weigh in." By 8pm tonight he'll be interviewed by someone via Skype.

I really hope the aliens land soon because I've already packed my bags and boy will I have some shit to talk about with them while we excessively drink, shoot guns into space, contract space AIDS, and video tape our friends getting mauled by Wookies.

I Hate Hipsters (Part Deux)

I promised you all a second rant.... Kristen Walker takes the wheel.... Note: The dialog below is actual text messages between Kristen and I. Nothing added, nothing taken away. Enjoy.

As a comment on the topic of hipsters in Mel's previous post – which is perfectly spot-on – I will include the EXACT verbiage of a recent text conversation between Mel and I. It began with us bitching about a former mutual friend of ours who was being flaky and difficult. I started off the rant. Please note I am including THE EXACT WORDS, verbatim. A slash like this: / means a separate text.

Oh, and in order to protect his privacy, we’ll call the guy we’re talking about at first “Bunghole Jones.”

Kristen: He’s a hipster. He wants social interaction to be complicated cause then that proves he’s busy and important… If he just said hey let’s meet here at this time, he would look “simple” and “easy.” Hipsters want to look like they have a lot of shit going on in their lives They would admit to dropping a baby before they would admit to being free on a Saturday night.

Mel: You are so right. Bunghole Jones honestly is probably sitting in a bar by himself right now. / He probably just got out of a “venue” of like Mumford & Sons and is drinking Buttered Whiskey Tart or some gourmet drink and talking about how the new iPhone is going to have a vintage photo setting option because 45 mm films was always superior but like people in more progressive places like Holland are recycling our film canisters to make bicycle pedals for impoverished Sudanese youth.

Kristen: Nailed it. Btw Jackknife Thoom. (This is an unrelated reference but I included it for accuracy.) / No I mean you really nailed it so hard. / He definitely just saw Mumford & Sons. Somewhere in his life is a girl with brown hair who enjoys crafting and is “not looking for a serious relationship.” She has a bicycle with a basket on the front and her favorite band is Wilco.

Mel: Yes, and she loves those canvas peasant shoes called Thoms because all proceeds go to Africa. Just somewhere in Africa… Cause it’s got poor people without iPads.

Kristen: She likes wine, cats, yoga, cardigan sweaters, yarn, IKEA, sushi, American Apparel, scarves, Buffalo Exchange, brunch, Dexter, Tom’s shoes, anime, salad, and Volvo. / Damn dude Thoms shoes jinx.

Mel: …”yeah so pretty much I just made this beret for you Bunghole Jones. I know you don’t wear hats like that but I was whatev’ and yeah…” (she stands pigeon toed and looks like ensemble from Les Miserables) / Her name is Sadie but not really… it’s like Alexa but she likes to be called either Sadie or Al.

Kristen: She has center parted long brown hair with the kind of headband that goes around the head instead of over it. She pulls a slouchy cardigan down over her fingers. / Oh it’s so perfect.

Mel: Over her fingers is so nailed… I hate her.

Kristen: She says, “That’s so Raven” sometimes and people think it’s hilarious. She has a cat named after a character on Glee. She has two roommates and one of them is a dude. She has a really messy bedroom which you’re supposed to find “quirky.” She makes cupcakes.

Mel: She fucking always makes cupcakes… They probably are various “insects” like Ladybugs, Ants (3 cupcakes connected by brown frosting) or her super famous scarynotscary Spidercakes that she named Jeeves or something fucking horseshitfuckingfuckfuckng gay like that… And she “giggles”… “that makes my tummy giggle.” Her fucking fag hipster friends think that is really “amusing.”

Kristen: “That makes my tummy giggle.” Oh fuck that.

Mel: Oh fuck that so hard.

Kristen: She has watching parties for tv shows like True Blood or some shit. She has a fag friend and they call each other honey and darling and kiss each other and stuff. She calls her girl friends her “girlfriends” and will say “hey beautiful” or “Hey hot mama” to them. She is always planning her backpacking trip to Europe. “Drew said Germany was the shiz.” At parties she ironically dances to Snoop Dogg with a red plastic cup of booze in one hand… Probably Grey Goose and cranberry.

Mel: I am going to kill her. / She is so real.

Kristen: She is. She’s everywhere. / Her name is Leslie but everyone calls her Les. / Or yeah Alexa “Al.” / Or Natalie “Nat.”

Mel: Nat

Kristen: “Heeeey it’s Nat-Nat!” / She has at some point referred to herself as Natastrophe. Her old MySpace quote was “a charming mess…” / She loves Tim Burton.

Mel: Nat Nat. Oh god… Aqua Thoom. (This is unrelated.)

Kristen: She loves Jane Austen books.

Mel: She likes woolen tights.

Kristen: Oh yeah with ballet flats or ankle booties. Wedges. / Shove Thoom. / Gets me. / Urban Outfitters

Mel: I just read one of your Thooms that got me… Snackpack

Kristen: It’s strong. / It’s ridiculous.

(We go on about Thooms for a while and then we get back to Nat Nat.)

Mel: Nat Nat.

Kristen: Oh God. I hate her.

Mel: Yes. The cupcake thing. Dude. Dude…

Kristen: “That makes my tummy giggle…” / She is 24 and for her 25^th birthday she wants to have a pub crawl… On bicycles.

Mel: Pub crawl. Yeah and she goes to Zombie crawls on 6^th Street in Austin in December. / She is empowered by not shaving her arm pits… Much. / She loathes cigarettes but smokes weed and does Salvia.

Kristen: Yeah she has one tattoo. On her wrist. / She went through a Sailor Moon phase. She still has collectibles but now she keeps them in the bathroom. / She has a photo somewhere on her Facebook of her wearing a beanie and eating a lollipop. / She won’t get pedicures cause she feels bad for the Asians. / She wants to insist that people take off their shoes when they come in the house but she’s afraid people might not want to. / On her way to Austin with friends they have a ritual. The first horses they see they yell “HORSEYS!” And then giggle. /

Mel: Omg… laughing in rage. The wrist tat is blacklight.

Kristen: Yeah it is. It so is.

Mel: She carries around a blacklight laser keychain just to show people.

Kristen: That hurts.

(An interlude.)

Mel: Recorded message from Nat Nat… “Hey it’s Nat Nat boo! Heh heh so yeah what’s the what what? I’m just relaxed listening some old Bowie tunes and make my girlfriend’s man’s puppy a sweater awwww right?! Yeah I’m pretty awesome heh heh but shout out to your Nat!”

Kristen: omg. Oh fuck you. Fuck you so hard.

Mel: Ha! / “hey it’s Nat Nat. Um. So. Imma’ make it rain cause I just finished your man’s puppy’s sweater! Oh Em Jee! It’s bomb! Heh. Your man is gonna love me more! Heh I’m just joshin like a josher can player. Anywiz, I’m done-zo and it’s fun-zo up in this biatch so shout at a Nat!”

Kristen: I am gonna stop talking to you forever now. I am filled with rage at your inner Nat.

Mel: It’s so nailed.

Kristen: Hey kids it’s Natty! Leave me a mizz-jizz and I’ll hitcha back!

Mel: Logan’s hipster voice mail outgoing message: “Hello?... Wha?... I can’t hear you fools? Jay Kay… It’s Natteroma’s Vee Emm! Leave a message after the beep Beep! Heh Jay Kay! … (real beep)”

Kristen: Tell Logan I said to go to hell.

Mel: I did and he laughed hard. He says “why did the hipster burn her mouth?”

Kristen: Why?

Mel: “cause she ate mac n chee before it was cool.”

Kristen: Omg.

Mel: It’s deep.

Kristen: It really is. / No it is.

I Hate Buffalo Exchange Hipsters

If anyone has ever decided to go to Buffalo Exchange to sell your clothes, let me advice you on a few things you should know about before taking on the rage you'll experience upon entering into that vortex of Hipster Hell.

Recently I walked into Buffalo Exchange(Greenville Avenue Location in Dallas, Texas) to sell my clothes/coats/shoes that I no longer needed in my life. I remembered how terrible it was but somehow I felt strong enough to take a risk that day and "just do it."

When you walk into Llama Trading Company...oh I mean... Buffalo Exchange...you will see at least 34 outfits on dummies that you are pretty sure have bedbugs burrowed into the fibers. These "super dope outfits" are showcased so that you, the seller, will have a template to go by when you try and sell any of your NICE clothes there. They only want the ugliest, brownish, beige, silken, a-symetrical, ill fitted, plaid, shredded, stained, ironic clothes that you can find from your 63 year old gay uncle's garage tubs. Your best bet is going to a busted ass ghetto thrift store in Buttfuck, Texas and buying the shittiest shit they have there for a dollar and then taking it to Buffalo Exchange.... they will give you 1000 dollars for something that comes with a dead rat stuck inside of the pant leg.

If you bring them clothes that are new w/tags, tailored, awesome, expensive, Italian designer labels, some Hipster with a Eggplant colored beany and "ironic thick rimmed glasses" will say, "Yah, uh, we really don't take this wash anymore. Yah it is not really what is offered fashion here so yah, but hey, I am sorry, but yah, yah... " Fuck you. You wanna know what? I'll tell you what. I sold THE SHITTIEST COAT I HAVE to them for 40 bucks. Out of the entire stack of nice stuff, they chose THE SHITTIEST COAT I HAVE and bought it for 400% more than what I paid for it. It had a collar on it that was misshaped (Rhombus looking shape with one corner of the collar that hung down past the first button), a pocket complete w/ hole in it the size of your fist, and the buttons didn't line up at all- at least 3 inches difference between button n' hole. They bought THAT. Hard. I had a pair of '7 Jeans' that were worth about 140 bucks, like new, and another pair of Joyce Jeans with the tag still on them (155 dollars) BUT they chose the rat coat.

The Eggplant beany guy with the ironic glasses said the following, "Yah, now this little gem here(the coat) is something we are interested in. I'm going to price this based on the desirability factor alone so.... 40 dollars hun? Is that yah, is that uhm groove with you hun?"

Desirability Factor. So.... they price things based on perspective. What a solid system of business! Seems legit. Assholes. Meanwhile this asshole was "training" this new breed of Hipster... the Blackster. Black people are WAY too awesome to be Hipsters. The Blacksters are the ones who look a bit like the Chocolate Rain guy from YouTube fame mixed with Spike Lee or Bob Dylan. Anyhow... this guy was training one of these Blacksters to "know what to buy from the customer." This trainee was going to buy everything of mine until the Eggplant Thick Rimmed Irony walked into the mix. He told me that I needed to "wash those jeans before they would buy them." THEY HAVE TAGS ON THEM! I pointed that out and then he said, "Well, (smug chuckle) I guess what I mean is that our staple is really dark wash skinny jeans and this style is kinda yesterday." NO. Fucking No. If you want to get technical, the skinny jean is a bastardized bi-product of 1986. If you were to catch on fire in the pant region you would die trying to get your foot out of the bottom of the tightly tapered pant leg. Trust me, I know. I got out of my skinny jeans by the skin of my teeth one time when I spilled some gasoline on my leg at the pump and then later that night smoked and an ember ignited a'top my right thigh. Skinny Jeans are not performance gear. If you can't exit your clothing in less than 20 seconds, it could kill you in certain circumstances. I've done the physics on this. I use to time myself getting in and out of clothes "just in case" and 20 seconds is primo for survival. (this was before I started taking my retard pills... life is different now and I've thrown out my stop watches)

I watched these assholes buy another Hipster's clothes... every item... and you know what? One of the skirts had a safety pinned-on FOX TAIL on the back of it

Sooooo.... I can just pin some non-sequitor shit on a brown butt stained diagonal cut skirt and you'll give me 50 bucks for it? Suckers. You haven't met the Super Jew.... I will take all their money because the joke is now on them. Ironic isn't it.

I went to the thrift store immediately following the adventure to the Ironic Isle of Super Dope Hipsters and bought the ugliest shit in the store. I'm currently ripping apart my stuffed animals from childhood and I'll be safety pinning some CareBear feet to a shredded beige satin dirty slip..... cause' I'm gonna be rich biaaaatch! Some fucking asshole in the "Dallas scene" will be wearing a butt stained thrift store slip with CareBear feet safety pinned to it and someone will say to that bullshit hipster, "Chloe you are really authentic and super dope chicka." (that is said in the most white girl Ivy League school accent you can muster up... wearing a similar outfit with no form or shape)

If the aliens come (which they will) and they happen to land anywhere near Buffalo Exchange, West Village, Angelika Movie Theatre, Magnolia Pictures, Exposition Park, Whole Fucking Foods, or Taco Diner, they will walk out of the craft and a Hipster will approach them and say, "Hey fellow, I dig your super stacked rainbow starship ma'an. Want to join Occupy Dallas? We are gonna hang out in our really expensive REI tent and stick it to capitalism bro... and my girlfriend makes some dope ass Star Wars cupcakes and my tight ass peep Chloe can knit you like a sweet scarf or whatev' ..."

At which point I hope that the GammaRay8900.Zark Gun will NOT be used and that the alien will decide to just punch that asshole in the fucking mouth.

Listen to me though... I'm talkin' about aliens n' shit... fucking what! My point is that I hate Buffalo Exchange Hipsters. I'm going to open up a store with the money I get from selling them butt-stained slips with CareBear feet safety pinned to them and it's gonna be called, "Llama Trading Company." I'll make them think that all the money goes to some Llama fund in to save fucking Llamas or some shit and I'll buy all my merch' (yeah that's another thing hipsters do is abbreviate all words)... from the shithole Mexican owned shops in Garland (canvas peasant shoes, dirty brown oversized sweaters, slips...) and I'll share my profits with the Mexican store owners and we will build fucking waterparks and carnivals and drink Corona and shoot our guns into the night sky and buy Esmerelda's tamales because "she workeen wreel harr en dem," and bounce houses, fat adorable mexican babies will get candy.... Oh it will be the revolution!

Ja ja ja ja ja ja (evil Mexican laugh)

Anyone want in on this business idea?

I've got more to say about Hipsters but I'm going to tag in my comedy partner on the next phase of hipster rant.

Anyhow... that's my 2 cent slip for the day.

Defective Units- People Who Should Be Recalled

Below is a list. This list contains a detailed breakdown of what we (the list makers, M. Lenz and K. Walker n' co of Freezin Beggar Films) call "Defective Units or DUs"

Definition of Defective Unit: Any person(s) who split from the

acceptable route of life and do habitual things that are unacceptable, retarded, and potentially dangerous or life-threatening to themselves or others.

Just like objects that are "defective," these living "Defective Units" should be on a recall list. They need to be shipped back to the "human factory" and some skilled Mexican angels will run a diagnostic and determine what missing parts are needed.

Below you will see a very specific list of Human Defective Unit Recalls:

Hoarde

rs:

Anim

al hoarder

s, stuff hoa

rders, junk ho

arders, ALL hoarders...

(this will be

detailed in recall

specifics further do

down in this list

)

Grown men who dress

up like babies

People who buy "virtual r

eal estate"

People with foo

t fetishes

People who

get off on being pierced

and hung up by chunks of skin

"Duster" addicts

Those exotic pet people -- people who own like four iguana

s and a b

oa constrictor and a baby lyn

x and spend all their money on rats and crickets

and special tanks a

nd pens, but they live in a converted garage and work at Targe

t.

Peo

ple who drop out of school the semester befor

e they're gonna graduate.

People who leave their kids/pets in the car for extended periods of time.

Pe

ople who join the mil

itary and then get really upset whe

n they have to go to war.

Most Asians...mainly this one.

People who spend over 10% of their gov'ment checks on lottery tickets.

People who routinely complain to a manager about the service/food when they go out to eat and then get the bill paid for "on the house" and clean their plates. These people will also return sunglasses a year later for a scratched lens. They always get their money back.

People who carry their dogs in designer handbags.

People who get so upset when the Dallas Cowboys lose that they ruin Sunday for everyone. Thanks Dad... Thanks for the emotional hatred association I have for Sunday. KFC and emotional abuse... eat up.

People who talk back to movies like Rambo or Goodfellas, "why you shootin' at him dumb ass he don't have your back."

People who send away for "Work from Home" packets and then talk to everyone they know about someone they don't know who recently bought a Ferrari in 30 days from selling hot mustard stock on ebay or some bullshit... (this goes into "people who think they will win shit" category)

People who think dinosaurs are Jesus horses. (always funny)

People who go barefoot in public places (grocery stores, fairs, malls)

Pregnant women smoking & drinking at the local bar

Daily excessive masturbation to any/all porn &

Anime porn addicts

People who dress in costumes and fuck

People who fuck animals

People who eat their boogers over the age of 9 and aren't retarded

This...all of this...

People who talk too loud, too often, and give play by play plot breakdowns to a movie you haven't seen, video game you care nothing for, or a situation you were not privy to/has nothing to do with you and isn't in the slightest interesting but they use the first names of the people involved as though you "know them too."

People who work as "actors" in a haunted house and go to Denny's after "the show" to talk about "the show."

People who pamper their overgrown pre-teens.. (who do at least 5 of the things on this list)and tell them they are "more mature and more talented than anyone alive"....the overgrown child believes this and therefore becomes a certified "Defective Unit," prime for a recallin'.

People who watch YouTube videos of someone saying the same thing over and over again with a silly hat on and they try and show you this video over and over again until you "get it"...

Also...

Directly linked to these Defective Unit people are the people who believe

"Tim & Eric Awesome Show" is the funniest show ever

made. It's not funny. It's not. You are stoned. Watch it sober you asshole. If a show has "a funny moment" every 15 episodes, as a general rule it should be classified as NOT FUNNY. If you find it NOT funny when you aren't stoned, then you have hope and we may be able to remove you from the Defective Unit Recall list.

*The authors of this list (myself and Kristen Walker) have been forced to watch the show numerous times and we did so with an open mind and even with booze and on average we squeaked out a laugh every 10th episode. We both agree that if anyone forces us to watch this show again we will call the cops.

People who shit more than 4 times a day and aren't "sick." These people typically spend at least 25 minutes or more in bath'oom lockdown and find this completely reasonable. If I can drive to another county while you are shitting, you need to go to the hospital. You have been RECALLED.

People who think real food is "weird," and will typically order the following things at 5 Star restaurants: Peanut butter and jelly, pizza, Totinos pizza rolls, Dorit

os, or McDonalds Chicken nuggets. Note: these same people will not eat french fries if the fries are cut in a way that is different from what they have eaten before. I watched an 11 year old cry one time when the french fries weren't what they knew. Someone needs to explain that this isn't okay and that a potato is still a potato no matter what how it is sculpted.... Or get your neck snapped by me- your choice?

People who don't bathe for more than seven days, don't bathe their children regularly and allow their kids to have sticky shit on their hands and mouths. These DU's are being recalled to get their Filth Tolerance Filter replaced.

OR

People who wipe the ass of their child when he/she over 4 years old but won't clean up the snot from their nose.

People who fake pregnancies then adopt children and expect their close friends to "not notice," the child is 3 1/2 years of age. (don't ask me how I know this...sigh)

People who are pregnant and give birth in a Walmart bathroom and then dispose of 'said' child in the Walmart bathroom... and then casually purchase a pair of pumps. (google that story... it's real)

People who summon demons 'cause they like partying and want to see something bad ass.

*An episode of Paranormal State that is a must see. This particular DU said the following in a rich n' delicious Mississippi river accent, "I mean what child don't wanna sell they soul to be a werewolf? That be just kid stuff n' all. A kid bein' a kid, y'know I mean, who wouldn't sell they soul to tha' devil n'all to be a werewolf? I mean. Werewolves are kick ass."

Multi-million dollar companies (owners and upper management) who still run their entire database on Windows 98 and pay a third party tech-support asshole 45,000 a year to play World of Warcraft and answer questions with "yeah um, just shut it off, go into SafeMode and then..yeah just do that first... then call me back if you have any problems." The business owners and the tech support guy are DUs & will be recalled for upgrades.

People who plan "dinners" 6 months ahead of time, i.e. easter, thanksgiving, etc... Unless you are planning on throwing a giant block party there needs to be only 48 hours of planning to this. Don't bother us with your insignificant plan...If you plan it, we won't go. Period.

Everyone I've ever ever seen on the show "Bridezillas." There is no recall on them, they should just be shot alongside their weak ball-less men.

People who overfeed their pets cause "Sugarpops loves itz some'z eclairs... look at 'eem eat it! awwww," and then get distraught when the pet dies within 5 months. If its stomach drags the floor, it isn't hungry. It's dying.

People who think the government is spending a great deal of time talking to alien races and reverse engineering space craft so that the Russians won't do it first. (this is still a common thought... Russia is of no concern, hasn't been for a hot second)

People who have no boundaries with their children under 18 and habitually vent out their very personal problems to them and say things to their 13 year old like, "Well, yeah, you don't pay for rent and I don't charge you room and board so be grateful." Um... that's your kid- they don't pay rent. That's called "being a parent."

People who buy more than 10 of the same thing but not things you ever need 10 of. (this is classified into Hoarders or planners)

People(especially people named Namir) who get a scuff mark on their shoes and then freak the fuck out and throw their shoes away.

All Jimmy Buffet fans who call themselves "Parrotheads" or younger fans "Parakeets" It's just fucking TRASH. Put some conditioner in your nasty seahag hair.

People who talk really quietly in loud places and really loud in quiet places. (I've met a few of these people, tho' rare they are terribly upsetting to the balance of the force)

People who ask obvious questions in corporate meetings when everyone just wants to get the fuck out. These people have "concerns" and usually when they hear words like, "Does anyone have any questions before we wrap this up?" These people will undoubtedly have NOT a question but a "comment," and it will be open ended and awkward and despite hearing the sighs of their peers in surround sound they continue sulking in the long pause and then say, "what do you think?" At which point the person in power will be forced to say something but then won't wrap up because the D-Unit will have "another question NOT question but comment."

People who use their tax return on everything that they don't need when they are in need of some major stuff...i.e. their dogs need medical attention, they need a root canal, and there is a hole the size of a dinner plate in the ceiling BUT they will buy a snow mobile.... they live in Houston.

People who like the "Free Credit Report.COMMMMM" commercials because the songs are "fun."

The person responsible for the "Five Dollar Fooooot Looonnng" Subway song.

People who audition for American Idol who are so bad at singing that dogs leave the room when they sing

Nudists

People who fuck children and those who think fucking children is a "taboo of society" and we need to just "get over ourselves" and learn to accept child-fuckers

Insane Clown Posse fans

People who take their three small children to Wal-Mart at 11 pm and shop for an entire cartful of groceries, up to and including trying on shoes while their kids scream in the cart on top of the off-brand Count Chocula

People who are or claim to be "scared" of things that in no way inspire fear: mustard, cotton balls, clowns...

Jews who hate Israel

People who get diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and go to an acupuncturist

Anyone over the age of 11 who screams or cries when they have to get their blood drawn or get a shot

People who drive their car without putting oil or anything in it besides gas and then wonder why it stops running

People who live in utter, abject filth, with piles of slimy dishes crawling with roaches and shitty toilets and bathtubs choked with mold and brown stuff

Anyone with more than three cats

People who take out $25,000 in student loans and then bitch about being in debt

Anyone who dresses their little girl up like a grown supermodel, or even worse anyone woman who dresses up like Ke$ha and then dresses their ten-year-old up like Ke$ha and they go out in public together as though it's "cute" when in reality it's just dick-shriveling and weird... and if it DOESN'T shrivel your dick, you shouldn't have a dick 'cause you're a creepy perv

Totally untalented people who think they're gonna win shit... you know there is a fat 46-year-old somewhere right now doing the perfect 'shup in his studio apartment who thinks he's gonna be the next Ninja Warrior