We've all heard the phrase, "Raised by wolves." From the moment I had cognitive thoughts, I knew what that phrase meant. I often felt that if my family were "wolves" then I was a coyote. I managed to blend from a distance, but a closer look would reveal that not everyone in the pack was a wolf. "Who's the ruffled gamey looking wolf in your pack?" "Oh, that's my daughter, Melodee. She's a Coyote-Dog hybrid pretending to be a wolf, and my son, Darren, he's a Sloth in a wolf costume."
I've always related to the Coyote. It's a scavenger, hunts with other animals like raccoons, skunks, badgers, other dogs, foxes, opossums... it's a reasonable animal that tries to get the job done without making a big deal about the hunting process. The Coyote is looking for results like, "will I eat sooner if I hunt with this smelly ass skunk?" It doesn't think, "Oh, I'll eat the skunk and that will be my din din on Thursday." No way. It realizes that the skunk is a valuable partner in the quest, the on-going quest for survival. You can't eat your own personal "Seal Team 6," and expect to slay Osama. It's just not a good move.
I set all of this up to say this- I was definitely "raised by wolves," or as I like to call them, Germans.
Don't get me wrong, Germans are incredible. They are organized, hard-working, efficient, industrious, hearty and strong. They can be tender hearted, loving, and compassionate too. However, not without showing you all the reasons why you are in the perilous situation you are currently in, forcing you to face those flaws, and then shaming you into asking them to "save you from yourself."
Hilarious.
Speaking of hilarious, they aren't. They aren't funny in the way that I am funny or the way you might be funny. A German may not even read this post because it's a waste of working time. They will not slack on the job, ever. They are like ants. Hoisting up things that are 100 times heavier than they are, and schlepping them to and fro' until 5pm when the bell rings. Then they go home, eat, and then sleep in a reasonable sleeping position. They are elated to get up at 5am and do it all over again.
There's NOTHING in my DNA that finds this awesome. Nothing. I appreciate it, but my brain is far too philosophical and rational for the rigid methodology the German's have. My Dad will think, "Obviously we get up when the sun rises because that's the natural order of things." Whereas I may think, "Let's let the sun have some alone time for a while and then we can casually join up with it later when everyone has fully come into the joy of the day."
By the time I was 7 years old, I was fully capable of running most of the large industrial machines in my Dad's steel working machine shop. I knew how to weld, use the heavy grade Drill Press, change tires, use the tractor, cut metal into mathematically perfect pieces according to a blueprint, and routinely picked metal shavings out of my skin. If I wanted to do "kid things" or coveted "kid stuff," I got the German version of those things.
Example: My friend who lived down the street, Eric, got a tree house. His dad went to Home Depot and bought a pre-fab tree house and followed the instruction manual to install the fun into a pre-existing tree on their land. I was highly jealous of this tree house. My brother and I asked my German Dad for a treehouse "like the one Eric has." We were questioned for at least 45 minutes about our plans for this tree house and the purpose of it in our lives. My Dad was only sold on the idea when I managed to say something about wanting to learn more about the constellations, thus it would serve as a sort of "observatory." The next week, my Dad pulls into the back 4 acres of the land with trees he had cut down, metal wedge pieces he had fabricated in the machine shop, and bolts that would've changed the destiny of the Titanic.
He had a blueprint he had drawn up himself using a great deal of math. He began the back breaking work of digging holes in the ground. Why was he digging holes in the ground? I asked him this.
"Melodee, now, listen, you must have stabilizing posts for something like this or else the storms will knock it down and then what?" I remember thinking, "isn't the tree itself a stabilizing post?"
My Dad wasn't using a tree as anything other than the wood to build what would soon be a ready made World War I replica fort. This thing could've lasted through another Texas/Mexico revolution. Santa Anna would have had NOTHING to say if he rolled up on this thing.
There were 3 different access points to the fort. You could use an army ladder that would come up through a trap door with solid stainless steel hinges/latch. You could use the solid OAK ladder that was hinged onto the side along with removable options incase of invasion. Thirdly, you could potentially use a rope that was perfectly tied in military scaling knots attached to the very apex of the structure. Choose wisely the way you will enter the fort. If you chose the easier route, my German Dad would question why you are uncomfortable with the flimsy helicopter rescue ladder or the rope. That happened.
In fact, before we were able to actually play on the fort, we had to practice climbing into it using all three methods of entry. By the time you COULD play on the fort, your arms were burning and all you wanted was some cold Kool-Aid from inside the house. To ask for such things; Kool-Aid, Gatorade, Water, you would be admitting to my Dad that you were quite inferior, thus not worthy of the fort. So one would just sucked it up, stay up there, sitting quietly for hours, mentally dried out of fun ideas or creative play.
He must've known that at some point the "treehouse/not treehouse/fort" would be a valuable tool for saving our lives. One summer night back in 1988, there were reports of various scary cult type people infiltrating farms in the area. They were mutilating animals, kidnapping kids with green eyes(my eye color), and performing Satanic rituals in abandoned sheds or on the back acreage of people's farms.
German's have a sense of humor but it's not sarcasm, nor irony, and definitely not silly story-telling. They have a MEAN sense of humor, finding nothing more hilarious than to laugh at your expense via a practical joke. Usually this practical joke consisted of a huge amount of planning on the part of the joker.... Well, if you're German that is.... they are always planning.
It was around 10pm one night....
My brother and I were playing "pirate games" in the fort. I was always Capt. Silver, had my peg leg made from a wooden stick, barking orders at my brother to "hoist the sails, lower the ramps" or whatever made-up Pirate thing I could think of that sounded legit.
We had recently installed canvas flaps on the west side of the fort that were originally for blocking out the setting sun. (My Mom was always concerned about us getting too hot, but we were fine because my brother and I are brown people in the summer)
My Dad always told us to "put up those canvas flaps at night because people could hide in there and you would never know it, then what?!" Lots of warnings like that coming from him all-the-time.
We had the flaps down. We had lanterns and we had my Dad's flashlights... all of them. We were deep into playing Pirates because it was more believable at night. We couldn't see the ground much, i.e. the ground was more believable as the open sea. Get it? Kid logic.
Germany had plans, mean hilarious scarring plans.
My Dad had an array of ski-masks and various helmets for welding. He had military shit or "gear." He had a lot of things that we weren't allowed to touch, yet, or at least not until we were given proper instructions/lessons concerning those things. He was an excellent trap builder. Vietnam style booby traps were kind of "his thing." Living out in the country, you are always on high-alert for any noises coming from the back acres. In Texas, noises could be anything from a Bobcat to a black panther. (no really, we have big ass jungle cats in parts of Texas- google if you don't believe me)
My brother and I heard some groaning sounds coming from underneath the fort. Deep groaning followed by a rhythmic thumping. We had the flaps down. Fear set in. We can't lift the flaps because we have that fear thing going on. I mean, we were Pirates a few minutes ago but now we are trapped prey in a fort with all the ladders fully accessible to anyone who might want to climb up. Whatever this sound is, it's coming from under the fort. Hell no we ain't gettin' down! Nope.
We were trembling in fear and thought that whatever it was, it would eventually get bored and go away. I began hearing muffled sounds coming from the barn. The barn was parallel to the fort about 100 yards back. It sounded like talking or chanting. I remembered at that moment the stories from the news about the cult people. I told my brother (he was about 5 years old) that we needed to get out of the fort and run as fast as we could to the house. I told him that he needed to just run and not look back. (The story of Lot's wife in the bible always bothered me on a deep level... I was sure that I would at some point be faced with someone turning into salt)
We waited. I put up my Long John Silver's peg leg stick prop, and we had to figure out what exit to take. Forget the flashlights and lanterns. No time, no time. I knew the fastest exit was the rope. I hated the rope. HATED IT. We could jump? We could jump from the back part of the fort where there were no ropes or ladders! Yeah, that's the easiest thing and nobody will expect us to be coming from there. Yeah, we will jump!
I told my brother he had to jump first. (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) He was crying and I kept hitting him saying "shut up idiot! SHUT UP! They will hear you!!!!" I think, but I'm not certain of this, but I think I pushed him off the fort? Yeah I know... Whatever, he's fine.
Whatever happened, he jumped. I was waiting for the "thud" sound and then the sound of him running his ass off through the brush. I heard none of that. I heard NOTHING. "How is that possible?" I kept thinking that thought as repeating loops in my head. I decided I had better jump too.
I jumped and instead of hitting the ground, I kept falling. I fell into a hole full of hay and foam and the more I struggled the more I noticed a net wrapping around me. Then I saw a huge man with a black mask on and scary blacked out goggles! He was holding my brother who had a potato sack over his head, kicking and screaming.... "HOLY COW! NO!!!! " (The term 'holy cow' was really big then)
I still heard the voices coming from the barn too! I started yelling, "DAD! DAD HELP! THE CULT PEOPLE ARE HERE HELP!" This went on for what felt like forever. It was probably only a few minutes in reality. The man in the mask groaned at me and said in a growly voice, "you want your Dad's help?" I was screaming saying, "YES! YES PLEASE I WANT MY DAD! PLEASE!"
Big reveal:
The mask comes off, it's my Dad, and he's laughing so hard he can't breathe. He bounds off toward the barn(still laughing) and turns off the radio he is playing in the barn. The station was on KNON and it was the Native American portion of the show that use to play at night. He grabs the Jam Box and showed it to us while laughing harder than I can truly explain with words. The kind of laughing where you are actually concerned about the possibility that they will run out of air.
We were just blankly staring at him. I knew my 5 year old brother was probably, rest assured, in ACTUAL shock. My Dad kept saying, "that's why y'all need to put those canvas flaps up. I was waiting under there for 2 hours and I could've been anybody, not your dad, but any ol' person just waiting to kill ya."
Point taken Dad. We got it. We also got PTSD.
I have at least 100 more stories like that. AT LEAST. No, I'm not joking. We always fell for it. The one time we didn't fall for it, it wasn't my Dad and I still don't know what that was. (@Kristen Walker- you know what I'm talking about... Bigfoot? Demon? Zodiac Killer?)
In the months that passed, my Dad would obsessively ask us if we raised the canvas flaps at night. We always raised them after that night. Later that year, I failed my science test. The test was about planets and stars. The fort was then outfitted with graph paper and a telescope. My Dad expected me to chart the stars and quizzed me on latitude and longitude as well as being able to tell time based on the North star, Sun, and position of all of the above. My Dad told me that I wasn't a real pirate, nor could I be a real pirate if I didn't know how to navigate using the stars. It was "just silly to think you could be a pirate on the open sea without knowing where you are going Melodee." Riiiiiight, but we are on a fort in Texas, surrounded by land... but whatever.
To this day, my Dad puts us through multiple tests. Just yesterday I was quizzed on when to plant Garlic, and where to plant it to achieve maximum mosquito free living during the summer months. I also wanted to use his shop vac and he forced me to take apart the bottom piece so that I could see how over stuffing it with filth could damage the area where the lithium battery was held. I had no plans to overstuff the shop vac by the way. I don't lack common sense.
Here I am in 2015... Writing about these memories. I'm so thankful that this Coyote, i.e. Me, had a chance to be raised by wolves. I may still be a Coyote, and my brother is definitely still a Sloth, but we are better scavengers than we were born to be. We have built many metaphorical forts in our lives and we know how to exit and enter them without fear. We've been caught in life's booby traps, and we always raise the canvas flaps to our "fort." I now realize that this is his form of "story telling." He must pass on the things he has learned so that when he's gone, he can go in peace knowing that all of us can change a tire, fend off cult leaders, climb a rope, change a tire, fabricate metal things, grow our own food, and if we are lost at sea- we can use the stars to get to dry land.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Hot Shot Weather People- The Late For Fun Edition
Recently in the DFW area,
We have had a great deal of bad winter weather. I mean, it's nothing like what is happening on the east coast or Minnesota... but, if you live in the north, you sort of expect that you will be punched in the balls by weather conditions at some point. Am I right?
Here in Texas, "we don't take kindly to dark n' scary cold clouds."
For me, personally speaking, I would rather light myself on fire rather than have to be cold for more than a week. It's been at least three weeks of this arctic tundra crap. I'm about ready to start pouring the gasoline on my body.
What is worse than being super cold and hating it?
Answer: Hot Shot Weather people who are late for fun. Or as I like to call them, HSW's.
What is a Hot Shot Weather person?
Answer: The kind of person who says things/does things with full on religious zealot energy in the worst weather conditions. You mix that type of person with the "Late For Fun" attitude...
You have a hazardous state of affairs to contend with.
Did you know that last Friday in the DFW metroplex there were 402 car accidents in 30 minutes?
That is a real number... I'm not making that up at all. In fact, the number is probably higher than that. I sort of stopped watching the news after that information entered my ear.
Why was there 402 wrecks in 30 minutes you ask?
Answer: Hot Shot Weather People who are Late For Fun.
I want you to really think about that for a minute... don't worry, I'll wait..........................................
Done thinking?
FOUR HUNDRED AND TWO accidents in THIRTY MINUTES. Can you imagine the various fire station workers after Friday night? I can...
"So Dan, um... you think I can take a quick nap now or um... (emergency call ring)....DAMN IT... are you serious? How many? Come on Steve, you are totally yanking my chain right? What the *#$#@! We live in a state full of 4x4 trucks? How Steve? How?"
Last Friday-
I was working in Fort Worth doing my show there the entire day. When I left the parking garage that day, I could see the highway from a higher vantage point. I swear to you with zero exaggeration, it looked EXACTLY like something in a Michael Bay film: An unnecessary action sequence that does NOT further the plot of the movie whatsoever.
Let's see, we have...
Giant SUV's sliding backward down the overpasses? Check.
Small sedan on fire with screaming woman holding her face watching it burn? Check.
Three small cars and one giant douchebag truck entangled around a street lamp? Check.
Hundreds of flares and police officials waving their arms in the air saying,"Go Around." Check.
No less than 12 emergency vehicles parked on the shoulder of I-30? Check.
Excessive car horn honking and muffled yelling background noise? Check.
Local News crews taking up residence on the side of embankments? Double Check.
....Michael Bay Movie?
What the hell happened?
Answer again: Hot Shot Weather People who were Late For Fun.
If you were one of the people trying to "speed" down the highway.... the highway that was covered in oily slickidy slick ice 4 inches thick...
Do me a favor and shoot your tires out while you still have limbs. I'm totally not kidding.
Do the world a favor and check yourself out of the driving game. We don't want you anymore.
However,
The MOST irritating thing to me about HSW people is how they talk about their future driving plans.
Here's an example:
"We still have plans to go to that play tonight in Downtown, right?"
My Answer: Um... have you been outside? That (probably stupid) play is about the last thing on my priority list right now. It is taking a backseat to Survival (number one) or Inconvenient Stupid Situation I Don't Want (number two).
They might say, "Nah, it's fine. Everyone is over reacting. I don't even need a jacket! I like the cold."
Okay hot shot, you don't wear that jacket. Jackass. You are, at best, buzzard food in the near future.
(For a moment I thought about not cursing in this blog but I can't stop myself. It's unnatural to not curse when your blood is boiling. Plus, if you are offended by the cursing, don't read the blog. It's that simple. )
There were several situations during the icy road conditions that made me reconsider whether or not lead was contaminating the water supply here in DFW. I really believe something is super wrong with a lot of people that I know.
The following happened to me several times during the worst of the winter sh**...
I, Melodee, would have a very natural concern about driving 25 miles from where I live to be at 'unsaid' place. I would voice my concerns to 'unsaid' people. These people (there were several) would say, "I just looked outside and it's not bad at all."
IT'S NOT BAD WHERE YOU LIVE ASSHOLE! BUT YOU AREN'T THE CENTER OF THE F***ing WINTER STORM!
This was my favorite ACTUAL quote/situation... (This came from an event that was scheduled on the worst possible day during the winter ice fest of 2015)
(phone call)
Me: Is the event cancelled for tomorrow?
Answer: No. It's supposed to be above freezing so it's still scheduled.
Me: I'm looking at the news right now and it's only supposed to be a high of 34 degrees.
Answer: Uh huh. So, we will see you there!
Listen to me people...
If it has been sleeting for over a week on and off, with the climax of that ice being the night before this event... Do you really think the minute the temperature gets above freezing the roads will be 100% A-f***in'-okay?
Hot Shot Weather People think that. Hot Shot Weather people also think that, "slowing down on the ice" is merely a suggestion.
I happen to know for a fact that the person that answered the phone lives ACROSS THE STREET from where the event was taking place.
Again.... sorry to flog a deader than dead horse here people but I gotta...
JUST BECAUSE YOU LOOK OUTSIDE OF YOURRRRRR DOOR AND IT'S NOT BAD, DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYONE ELSE HAS THE SAME POV CAM. (point of view camera)
I wonder if there was a tribe back during the Ice Age that received a message somehow in their ancient way of receiving messages... probably some type of scout newb that was sent out to see what the neighboring tribes were doing...
(out of breath) "Chief Hot Shot! The entire world is covered in ice. Lil' Newb can't possibly bring back the feather of an Eagle for our Spring tidings on time?! What do you mean it looks fine here? I just told you that the entire world was covered in ice! "
And that was the first Hot Shot Weather Person who would be late for fun.
That tribe died out from being stupid.
You should tell people that story if they are HSW people. You can really juice it out and make it seem like an old ancient proverb or some shit. HSW's are so stupid they will totally believe it. Hell, it might keep them from making impulse monkey brain decisions in hazardous weather conditions.
Look, here's the deal...
Don't ask me to go do shit when you know I'll be taking a risk that will either: A) Kill me. B)Kill someone else via my vehicle. C) Force me to sit in a line of cars on a major highway, cold n' shivering, burning gas, and getting angrier and more resentful of you & your stupid ass plan by the second.
I won't go.
I quit.
I don't care about my job, a plan, or anything in conditions like that. If there is more than a 20% chance I will have to make a call to my insurance company later that day, I'm not interested in going.
There's nothing THAT important that you need me to do. Nothing. I'm not a doctor, an EMT, firefighter, police officer or a DOT sand truck driver. The reason I'm not any of those things is because I hate it when people NEED me for sh**. You don't need me. There's no "emergency entertainers."
However, I will say that I AM a clown part-part-time at a children's hospital. However, I doubt any of the kids I see would like to hear, "Melodee isn't here today because she died in an icy tangled up wreck on Airport Freeway. She was trying to get here... to see you." I don't carry a cross with me to work for a good reason. Someone already did that 2500 years ago so that I wouldn't have to.
Disclaimer: I'm not callous, I'm being logical. Something that most entertainers are not, sadly. I'm sure a select few of them would say, "that's why you aren't a serious clown/actor/whatever..." To that I will say, "what are you even talking about? Hello, I'm Clown Oxymoron. I took my job as a clown so serious that I ignored all logic in order to make children laugh, but they didn't, cause I'm dead now."
I digress...
You aren't late for fun. Nobody is having fun when they are STUCK IN A LINE OF TRAFFIC FOR 4 HOURS!!!!!! NOBODY.
Last thing:
The bartenders/waiters at the restaurant you want to go "have fun at" during the ice storm... They are definitely NOT having fun. Furthermore, they hate you. YOU are the reason why they are STILL at work asshole.
OKAY.... I'm done. I have cabin fever. Maybe I should go out and have fun. I hope I'm not too late.
We have had a great deal of bad winter weather. I mean, it's nothing like what is happening on the east coast or Minnesota... but, if you live in the north, you sort of expect that you will be punched in the balls by weather conditions at some point. Am I right?
Here in Texas, "we don't take kindly to dark n' scary cold clouds."
For me, personally speaking, I would rather light myself on fire rather than have to be cold for more than a week. It's been at least three weeks of this arctic tundra crap. I'm about ready to start pouring the gasoline on my body.
What is worse than being super cold and hating it?
Answer: Hot Shot Weather people who are late for fun. Or as I like to call them, HSW's.
What is a Hot Shot Weather person?
Answer: The kind of person who says things/does things with full on religious zealot energy in the worst weather conditions. You mix that type of person with the "Late For Fun" attitude...
You have a hazardous state of affairs to contend with.
Did you know that last Friday in the DFW metroplex there were 402 car accidents in 30 minutes?
That is a real number... I'm not making that up at all. In fact, the number is probably higher than that. I sort of stopped watching the news after that information entered my ear.
Why was there 402 wrecks in 30 minutes you ask?
Answer: Hot Shot Weather People who are Late For Fun.
I want you to really think about that for a minute... don't worry, I'll wait..........................................
Done thinking?
FOUR HUNDRED AND TWO accidents in THIRTY MINUTES. Can you imagine the various fire station workers after Friday night? I can...
"So Dan, um... you think I can take a quick nap now or um... (emergency call ring)....DAMN IT... are you serious? How many? Come on Steve, you are totally yanking my chain right? What the *#$#@! We live in a state full of 4x4 trucks? How Steve? How?"
Last Friday-
I was working in Fort Worth doing my show there the entire day. When I left the parking garage that day, I could see the highway from a higher vantage point. I swear to you with zero exaggeration, it looked EXACTLY like something in a Michael Bay film: An unnecessary action sequence that does NOT further the plot of the movie whatsoever.
Let's see, we have...
Giant SUV's sliding backward down the overpasses? Check.
Small sedan on fire with screaming woman holding her face watching it burn? Check.
Three small cars and one giant douchebag truck entangled around a street lamp? Check.
Hundreds of flares and police officials waving their arms in the air saying,"Go Around." Check.
No less than 12 emergency vehicles parked on the shoulder of I-30? Check.
Excessive car horn honking and muffled yelling background noise? Check.
Local News crews taking up residence on the side of embankments? Double Check.
....Michael Bay Movie?
What the hell happened?
Answer again: Hot Shot Weather People who were Late For Fun.
If you were one of the people trying to "speed" down the highway.... the highway that was covered in oily slickidy slick ice 4 inches thick...
Do me a favor and shoot your tires out while you still have limbs. I'm totally not kidding.
Do the world a favor and check yourself out of the driving game. We don't want you anymore.
However,
The MOST irritating thing to me about HSW people is how they talk about their future driving plans.
Here's an example:
"We still have plans to go to that play tonight in Downtown, right?"
My Answer: Um... have you been outside? That (probably stupid) play is about the last thing on my priority list right now. It is taking a backseat to Survival (number one) or Inconvenient Stupid Situation I Don't Want (number two).
They might say, "Nah, it's fine. Everyone is over reacting. I don't even need a jacket! I like the cold."
Okay hot shot, you don't wear that jacket. Jackass. You are, at best, buzzard food in the near future.
(For a moment I thought about not cursing in this blog but I can't stop myself. It's unnatural to not curse when your blood is boiling. Plus, if you are offended by the cursing, don't read the blog. It's that simple. )
There were several situations during the icy road conditions that made me reconsider whether or not lead was contaminating the water supply here in DFW. I really believe something is super wrong with a lot of people that I know.
The following happened to me several times during the worst of the winter sh**...
I, Melodee, would have a very natural concern about driving 25 miles from where I live to be at 'unsaid' place. I would voice my concerns to 'unsaid' people. These people (there were several) would say, "I just looked outside and it's not bad at all."
IT'S NOT BAD WHERE YOU LIVE ASSHOLE! BUT YOU AREN'T THE CENTER OF THE F***ing WINTER STORM!
This was my favorite ACTUAL quote/situation... (This came from an event that was scheduled on the worst possible day during the winter ice fest of 2015)
(phone call)
Me: Is the event cancelled for tomorrow?
Answer: No. It's supposed to be above freezing so it's still scheduled.
Me: I'm looking at the news right now and it's only supposed to be a high of 34 degrees.
Answer: Uh huh. So, we will see you there!
Listen to me people...
If it has been sleeting for over a week on and off, with the climax of that ice being the night before this event... Do you really think the minute the temperature gets above freezing the roads will be 100% A-f***in'-okay?
Hot Shot Weather People think that. Hot Shot Weather people also think that, "slowing down on the ice" is merely a suggestion.
I happen to know for a fact that the person that answered the phone lives ACROSS THE STREET from where the event was taking place.
Again.... sorry to flog a deader than dead horse here people but I gotta...
JUST BECAUSE YOU LOOK OUTSIDE OF YOURRRRRR DOOR AND IT'S NOT BAD, DOESN'T MEAN THAT EVERYONE ELSE HAS THE SAME POV CAM. (point of view camera)
I wonder if there was a tribe back during the Ice Age that received a message somehow in their ancient way of receiving messages... probably some type of scout newb that was sent out to see what the neighboring tribes were doing...
(out of breath) "Chief Hot Shot! The entire world is covered in ice. Lil' Newb can't possibly bring back the feather of an Eagle for our Spring tidings on time?! What do you mean it looks fine here? I just told you that the entire world was covered in ice! "
And that was the first Hot Shot Weather Person who would be late for fun.
That tribe died out from being stupid.
You should tell people that story if they are HSW people. You can really juice it out and make it seem like an old ancient proverb or some shit. HSW's are so stupid they will totally believe it. Hell, it might keep them from making impulse monkey brain decisions in hazardous weather conditions.
Look, here's the deal...
Don't ask me to go do shit when you know I'll be taking a risk that will either: A) Kill me. B)Kill someone else via my vehicle. C) Force me to sit in a line of cars on a major highway, cold n' shivering, burning gas, and getting angrier and more resentful of you & your stupid ass plan by the second.
I won't go.
I quit.
I don't care about my job, a plan, or anything in conditions like that. If there is more than a 20% chance I will have to make a call to my insurance company later that day, I'm not interested in going.
There's nothing THAT important that you need me to do. Nothing. I'm not a doctor, an EMT, firefighter, police officer or a DOT sand truck driver. The reason I'm not any of those things is because I hate it when people NEED me for sh**. You don't need me. There's no "emergency entertainers."
However, I will say that I AM a clown part-part-time at a children's hospital. However, I doubt any of the kids I see would like to hear, "Melodee isn't here today because she died in an icy tangled up wreck on Airport Freeway. She was trying to get here... to see you." I don't carry a cross with me to work for a good reason. Someone already did that 2500 years ago so that I wouldn't have to.
Disclaimer: I'm not callous, I'm being logical. Something that most entertainers are not, sadly. I'm sure a select few of them would say, "that's why you aren't a serious clown/actor/whatever..." To that I will say, "what are you even talking about? Hello, I'm Clown Oxymoron. I took my job as a clown so serious that I ignored all logic in order to make children laugh, but they didn't, cause I'm dead now."
I digress...
You aren't late for fun. Nobody is having fun when they are STUCK IN A LINE OF TRAFFIC FOR 4 HOURS!!!!!! NOBODY.
Last thing:
The bartenders/waiters at the restaurant you want to go "have fun at" during the ice storm... They are definitely NOT having fun. Furthermore, they hate you. YOU are the reason why they are STILL at work asshole.
OKAY.... I'm done. I have cabin fever. Maybe I should go out and have fun. I hope I'm not too late.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Tammy Titi Monkey & The Stolen Opper Tuneti Treats- A True Story of Selfishness (real and funny and real funny)
*The characters in this story may be based on actual people. The point of the story remains valid in spite of the ridiculousness. Enjoy*
Tammy Titi is a monkey at the local zoo, a Titi Monkey.
Being a special type of monkey, Tammy Titi relied heavily on her cunning and shrewd monkey brain to trick all the other animals in the zoo.
Tammy Titi had to share a habitat with several animals. There was Blitzy the Ox, Jeff the Lemur, Maxine the Gorilla, Roger the Parrot, Trevor the Snake, Donny the Donkey, and Castor the Snow Leopard.
Tammy Titi was smaller than most of the animals she had to share her space with. And over the years, she had figured out how to hoard the most food from Zookeeper Opper Tuneti.
Opper Tuneti was a fair and just zookeeper. He always brought plenty of food for all of the animals to enjoy. He made sure that the food was nutritious, delicious, and satisfying. Each individual animal at the zoo had their own special meals and treats.
Blitzy the Ox liked hay, Jeff the Lemur preferred watermelon, and even Trevor the Snake got his belly full on snake kibbles n' bits!
Ol' Tammy Titi didn't like all the attention that Opper Tuneti gave all the animals in the zoo. She decided she'd find a way to steal their food after Opper Tuneti filled their respective bowls.
Tammy Titi thought, "How dare they think Opper Tuneti gave them anything! I'm the most cunning, quick, and intelligent animal here! I'll use my monkey brain and my monkey body to swoop down and gather up the food that Opper Tuneti placed out for them. I know, I'll do it a little bit at a time so they won't notice it's me that is taking their rations! "(evil monkey laugh)
Day by day the animals were hungrier and hungrier.
Donny Donkey brayed, "I'm hungry, I'm hungry, there's never enough to eat! I'm hungry, I'm hungry, there's never enough to eat! Opper Tuneti, come back! I'm hungry, I'm hungry!"
Roger the Parrot squawked, "Shut up Donny Donkey! Shut up! Shut up! Opper Tuneti just gave you your food and I saw you eat it! You're fine! I'm the hungry one!"
Tammy Titi watched them all complain. They became drained with each passing week.
Tammy Titi's tree was packed full of goodies. She had Blitzy's hay, Jeff's watermelon, Donny's sugar cubes, and Castor Leopard's steak. She had it all placed in hide-away holes in Tammy Titi's tree. Tammy Titi couldn't eat half of the food she had stored away. Why some of the food isn't even suitable for a Titi monkey!
Opper Tuneti came by each day. With each visit, He began to wonder why all of the animals were complaining so much? Opper Tuneti reckoned that He wasn't giving them enough food. Yet, confused He thought that in His perfect system that they should be thriving by now?
He scratched his head and sighed, "I'll make more of my special Opper Tuneti's gourmet treats next time. That should make everyone very happy indeed."
Opper Tuneti slaved away making the perfect treats for each animal. (including ol' Tammy Titi Monkey)
He was so excited to give them their afternoon snack, he forgot to make their lunch that day. Tuckered out, he fell asleep and took a long, long, snoooooozzzzzzzzzz... (snore, snore, snore)
Tammy Titi Monkey was primed and ready to do what she always did- swoop down and take the other animals food.
She didn't hear Opper Tuneti calling her name this time. "Where is he! Where is he, " she shrieked. (like monkey's often do) "It's half past 2 and I'm hungrier than you!" She yelled loudly to the other animals below.
Castor the Leopard had suspicions about Tammy Titi. Leopard's after all, are the smartest and the cleverest cats in the world. They can hide in plain sight and observe their prey for days before striking. Leopard's know how to climb trees by the way! Often, they take their prey into the tall, tall, tree tops to feast in solitude.
Tammy Titi didn't know this about Castor Leopard... and that's the way Castor liked it. (leopard wink)
Maxine, the Gorilla, had her suspicions too. She knew Opper Tuneti much longer than any of the other animals. Opper Tuneti was her friend, a long time friend. He had given her many treats over the years, and never had she gone without. Maxine, like most Gorillas, had patience and wisdom.
Gorillas are known as Great Apes for a reason. She would console the hungry animals and say, "Don't worry! Opper Tuneti will come, you'll see! Just have patience. He's never failed me, and I know He won't fail you."
Tammy Titi was becoming restless and impatient, a typical monkey trait. She started throwing her poop at the other animals from strategic locations.
She would give out a shrill shriek, "Donny Donkey! Listen! Blitzy Ox threw something at you! You should kick him with your strong hind legs!"
Then, Tammy Titi Monkey would swing to another branch and yell out, "Roger Parrot, You'll never guess who's been taking the food! It was Jeff the Lemur the whole time! Can you believe it? I saw him do so with my beady monkey eyes!"
Fights would break out among the animals. The noise coming from the zoo started to scared away all of the people who were there to visit them. Complaints were filed among the zoo patrons saying, "The animals were out of control, unruly, and looked unhealthy and miserable too!"
Tammy Titi loved her little manipulation game!
It kept her monkey brain busy as a bee to set traps, snares, and stir up strife among her fellow animal neighbors.
Tammy thought, "if I can't steal their food, I'll steal their happiness, crush their confidence, and make them think they are going crazy! Maybe they will be put to sleep forever by the mean Zoo Vet, Dr. Rooin. Dr. Rooin would never catch me anyway, so I have nothing to worry about! After all, I'm the smartest, quickest, and most cunning animal at the zoo. "
Trevor Snake was Tammy Titi's only friend. He understood what it was like to be cunning, clever, and quick! Trevor believed in survival of the fittest. Still, he had to crawl on his belly as his only means of transportation... which is lame.
Back to the story... (throat clearing sound)
Where did Castor the Leopard go in this story?
Do you remember that leopards are the stealthiest of all the zoo creatures? I know I do.
Castor Leopard was perched at the top of the tallest tree, nestled in the thickest of branches, watching everything. Castor Leopard knew everything that Tammy Titi had been doing.
Castor Leopard knew that Opper Tuneti would eventually come back to give them their food. "This time," said Castor, "Tammy Titi won't get away with it!"
Zookeeper Opper Tuneti woke up from His long snooze with an alarming thought, "Oh no! What have I done? The animals depend on Me and I have let them down! I've offered them so much over the years and they've begun to lose faith in Me. Now, I have slept through feeding time and I must give them more than I ever have before, including the delicious treats I made earlier! I will make them happier than I ever have before!"
He gathered a whole barrel full of treats and food, perfect for each of the animals, and began his long walk to the habitat feeding area.
Tammy Titi Monkey was taking a nap. After her prolonged poop throwing, shrieking insults, and false claims, she was pretty tuckered out. It's rare for a Titi Monkey to take a nap. But she had really outdone herself, feeling proud of herself for hoarding all the food that Opper Tuneti had given the animals over the last several weeks.
Tammy Titi slept on the food, most of which was rotted by now.
What a terrible little monkey to have starved all the other animals from Opper Tuneti's special treats! Shame, shame, shame on you Tammy Titi!
Castor Leopard took this opportunity to talk to the other animals. Castor leapt from branch to branch, landing with the grace of a gazelle as to not scare the other animals, some of whom could be skittish if they were frightened.
"Jeff Lemur, Roger Parrot, Maxine Gorilla, Donny Donkey, Blitzy Ox, and Trevor... Trevor? Where's Trevor Snake?" Maxine Gorilla mumbled under her breath, "snaking around on his belly somewhere I'm sure..." Castor forcefully spoke, "My friends, you are all hungry. I know that. You are all tired, I know that too. Please, do not blame Opper Tuneti for this. He is not to blame. He has given us plenty. He gives us what we need. He will be as steady as the rising sun. "
Roger the Parrot squawked, "Opper Tuneti doesn't come for a Parrot like me anymore. I'm an old parrot. It's too late for me to eat Opper Tuneti's treats because I have lost all hope. It is best if He never comes back. Perhaps then I can fly away. If he does come back and I have gone, there will be more food for everyone else."
Castor said, "Don't be retarded Roger. None of us eat f-ing bird seed. Stupid. Just listen to me! I know something that you guys don't know. I've been watching from a higher vantage point this entire time."
Jeff the Lemur squeaked out a sigh and said, "I'm a lesser primate. Opper Tuneti knows that. That's why I'm going to die of starvation." Donny Donkey brayed loudly, "I'm fine. I'm fine. I found some rocks to eat. I'm fine. I can make my own Opper Tuneti treats myself out of these rocks!"
Castor Leopard was getting frustrated and said, "Donny, ugh... You can't eat rocks and pretend they are anything like Opper Tuneti's treats! You'll get a sour stomach! Besides, how can you bray so with a sour stomach? ...Jeff Parrot, just stop. You are everyone's favorite so just stop whining. You are far more of an adorable primate than Tammy Titi."
All the animals gasped at the blunt statement of Castor Leopard. Shocked by this sudden distaste for Tammy Titi Monkey, they began to defend her. "Tammy has our best interest at heart. She's smarter and more clever than any of us. She looks out from the tree tops to make sure we know when Opper Tuneti comes."
Maxine Gorilla slowly raised up and said, "My friends, I am the oldest of you and I have seen Opper Tuneti come and go, many times. I think our friend Castor Leopard may have something important to say, and we should listen to the leopard for once."
Castor Leopard, composed, said, "I am a leopard. I can hide in plain sight. I can bring the largest of you up to the tops of the trees to eat you if I wanted to and I haven't. I've been hungry enough to eat all of you and I haven't. I waited. I hid in plain sight. I watched. I know where Opper Tuneti's treats have gone. Some have been eaten, but only the ones belonging to Tammy Titi Monkey. The fights with each other were not caused by hunger. They were constructed by Tammy Titi Monkey! She was throwing her poop at you from her perch! She intends to make certain that none of you eat of Opper Tuneti's bounty! What's worse is she wants you to destroy one another or even more horrible of a thought...She wants you all to be put down by Doctor Rooin! If you don't believe me, just wait until Opper Tuneti comes back. I have a plan that will fix this for good so that everyone, including Tammy Titi Monkey, will get what they deserve."
The animals were confused and in denial about what Castor had claimed. Some of them were so heartbroken they sobbed. They could only focus on their hunger and how hopeless they were becoming.
Tammy Titi Monkey was still resting peacefully in the trees with her snake friend Trevor in tow. Their bellies were full, as they peacefully slept, content with their terrible acts. They knew that Opper Tuneti would come back soon with a bountiful spread that they could take once more.
Castor Leopard quietly climbed up to their resting place in the tree. Castor tied all of the hoarded food given by Opper Tuneti to a trip wire system attached to Tammy Titi's tail. If successful, the line will drop all of the week's of rotted stolen treats to the ground. When Tammy Titi comes down to take Opper Tuneti's treats from the rest of the group, the stolen plunder will come along with her. Even ol' Trevor Snake will come tumbling down, if Castor plays the cards right.
Whistling was heard coming through the pathway, "Hey there my sweet babies! I love you so much and I'm so sorry I missed your feeding time today. I have an extra special surprise for you all!"
The animals saw Opper Tuneti coming with a barrel and a bag of special treats and delicious foods.
They were squawking, braying, mooing and squeaking with excitement! "Today is the best day. Opper Tuneti brought us more than we can imagine! This is the best day ever." Their mouth's slobbery with drool, they were so happy to be readying themselves for a feast they will never forget.
Opper Tuneti empties the barrels and bags of scrumptious treats into their food bowls and troughs. He is singing and whistling, taking great joy in feeding his animals their favorite and most perfect things...
Trevor Snake woke up and nudged Tammy TiTi saying, "sssssTammy, the other's are feasting and we are sleeping? Look at Opper Tuneti'ssss smiles and laughter, glee and charm. He must love them more than usssssssssss..... " Tammy Titi Monkey shrieked, "Opper Tuneti is mine! Mine and mine alone! I'm the smartest, quickest and most intelligent of these low level mammals! Pah! They cannot possibly deserve ANY of Opper Tuneti's treats or attention! It's MINE!!!!! MINE!!!! MINE!"
Tammy Titi Monkey leapt. And with a single long winding bound, down and down, she crashed. CRASH! Plop, Plop, Plop, CRASH! Pounds of hay, watermelon, bird seed, bananas, sugar cubes, steak, leeks and lettuce came tumbling down with her. CRASH! PLOP! BOOM! BANG!
The animals all looked on in horror! They were gasping, braying, squeaking and moaning. They said, "Tammy Titi? Why would you? Why did you? How could you?"
Tammy Titi Monkey and Trevor Snake were maniacally trying to gather up what remained of their hoarded mess by shoving it into their mouths, their fists, and dropping most of it as they ran or slithered. They were struggling to get back up the tree. Not even the most meager portions of Opper Tuneti's treats, they continued to climb.
All of a sudden with a bounding roar came Castor Leopard, down, down, down the tree to meet Tammy and Trevor face to face, greeting them with a fierce growl. Scared and broken, Tammy and Trevor dropped the remaining stolen items. Shivering with fear they said, "Please don't hurt us. Please. We didn't know that these treats were for everyone. We thought they were for the most clever of creatures. We didn't know, we didn't know, we didn't know! Here, you can have Opper Tuneti's treats! Take all you want! Please! Just don't eat us!"
Castor rummaged through the pile, never breaking eye contact with the pair. Castor found the steaks within the rubbish of rotted treats and turned back up the tree saying, "I only wanted what was intended for me, Tammy Titi. Titi Monkey's can't eat steak and leopards can't eat bananas. You should be intelligent enough to know this, and yet, you take what isn't yours and what you can't even use. You are a wasteful and greedy little monkey. You lack in your heart compassion for others. Animals who are far bigger than you will ever be. And you, Trevor, you slithering snake! You shed your skin wherever you see fit! You are just a snake. A lowly slithering snake, taking what the monkey see's fit to give you. Self interested, you don't share either! Well now we know her dirty little monkey secret! You would rather have everyone put down by Dr. Rooin than to share your Opper Tuneti Treats?"
Opper Tuneti saw all of this and felt sad inside.
After all, he had always given equal parts of his famous Opper Tuneti treats to each of the animals big and small. Opper Tuneti decided that day to make Tammy Titi Monkey her own enclosure that would be far away from the rest of the animals. He would make sure she had her fair share of His treats, but would never again allow her access to any of the other animal's Opper Tuneti Treats.
Opper Tuneti is fair and kind. A good animal knows that He will come each day with something special just for them. A good animal knows that there will always be plenty of Opper Tuneti....treats.
As far as ol' Tammy Titi is concerned...
I guess she'll have to see what it's like to live off of what Opper Tuneti seems fit to give her each day. That's a big hard lesson for a little ol' Titi Monkey.
Castor Leopard and his friend's still hear the shrieking and hissing each night coming from Tammy and Trevor's cage.
They sit around and eat their Opper Tuneti's Treats together, always giving thanks for the special thought that goes into each treat He gives them. From the Leopard to the Donkey, the Parrot to the Ox, each one is visited by hundreds of zoo patrons who appreciate them for the animals they were born to be. I hear that by next year, they will all have bigger and better habitats thanks to good ol' Opper Tuneti.
So remember kids... don't be a greedy piece of shit like Tammy Titi Monkey or a self-righteous prick like Trevor Snake.
The End.
Tammy Titi is a monkey at the local zoo, a Titi Monkey.
Being a special type of monkey, Tammy Titi relied heavily on her cunning and shrewd monkey brain to trick all the other animals in the zoo.
Tammy Titi had to share a habitat with several animals. There was Blitzy the Ox, Jeff the Lemur, Maxine the Gorilla, Roger the Parrot, Trevor the Snake, Donny the Donkey, and Castor the Snow Leopard.
Tammy Titi was smaller than most of the animals she had to share her space with. And over the years, she had figured out how to hoard the most food from Zookeeper Opper Tuneti.
Opper Tuneti was a fair and just zookeeper. He always brought plenty of food for all of the animals to enjoy. He made sure that the food was nutritious, delicious, and satisfying. Each individual animal at the zoo had their own special meals and treats.
Blitzy the Ox liked hay, Jeff the Lemur preferred watermelon, and even Trevor the Snake got his belly full on snake kibbles n' bits!
Ol' Tammy Titi didn't like all the attention that Opper Tuneti gave all the animals in the zoo. She decided she'd find a way to steal their food after Opper Tuneti filled their respective bowls.
Tammy Titi thought, "How dare they think Opper Tuneti gave them anything! I'm the most cunning, quick, and intelligent animal here! I'll use my monkey brain and my monkey body to swoop down and gather up the food that Opper Tuneti placed out for them. I know, I'll do it a little bit at a time so they won't notice it's me that is taking their rations! "(evil monkey laugh)
Day by day the animals were hungrier and hungrier.
Donny Donkey brayed, "I'm hungry, I'm hungry, there's never enough to eat! I'm hungry, I'm hungry, there's never enough to eat! Opper Tuneti, come back! I'm hungry, I'm hungry!"
Roger the Parrot squawked, "Shut up Donny Donkey! Shut up! Shut up! Opper Tuneti just gave you your food and I saw you eat it! You're fine! I'm the hungry one!"
Tammy Titi watched them all complain. They became drained with each passing week.
Tammy Titi's tree was packed full of goodies. She had Blitzy's hay, Jeff's watermelon, Donny's sugar cubes, and Castor Leopard's steak. She had it all placed in hide-away holes in Tammy Titi's tree. Tammy Titi couldn't eat half of the food she had stored away. Why some of the food isn't even suitable for a Titi monkey!
Opper Tuneti came by each day. With each visit, He began to wonder why all of the animals were complaining so much? Opper Tuneti reckoned that He wasn't giving them enough food. Yet, confused He thought that in His perfect system that they should be thriving by now?
He scratched his head and sighed, "I'll make more of my special Opper Tuneti's gourmet treats next time. That should make everyone very happy indeed."
Opper Tuneti slaved away making the perfect treats for each animal. (including ol' Tammy Titi Monkey)
He was so excited to give them their afternoon snack, he forgot to make their lunch that day. Tuckered out, he fell asleep and took a long, long, snoooooozzzzzzzzzz... (snore, snore, snore)
Tammy Titi Monkey was primed and ready to do what she always did- swoop down and take the other animals food.
She didn't hear Opper Tuneti calling her name this time. "Where is he! Where is he, " she shrieked. (like monkey's often do) "It's half past 2 and I'm hungrier than you!" She yelled loudly to the other animals below.
Castor the Leopard had suspicions about Tammy Titi. Leopard's after all, are the smartest and the cleverest cats in the world. They can hide in plain sight and observe their prey for days before striking. Leopard's know how to climb trees by the way! Often, they take their prey into the tall, tall, tree tops to feast in solitude.
Tammy Titi didn't know this about Castor Leopard... and that's the way Castor liked it. (leopard wink)
Maxine, the Gorilla, had her suspicions too. She knew Opper Tuneti much longer than any of the other animals. Opper Tuneti was her friend, a long time friend. He had given her many treats over the years, and never had she gone without. Maxine, like most Gorillas, had patience and wisdom.
Gorillas are known as Great Apes for a reason. She would console the hungry animals and say, "Don't worry! Opper Tuneti will come, you'll see! Just have patience. He's never failed me, and I know He won't fail you."
Tammy Titi was becoming restless and impatient, a typical monkey trait. She started throwing her poop at the other animals from strategic locations.
She would give out a shrill shriek, "Donny Donkey! Listen! Blitzy Ox threw something at you! You should kick him with your strong hind legs!"
Then, Tammy Titi Monkey would swing to another branch and yell out, "Roger Parrot, You'll never guess who's been taking the food! It was Jeff the Lemur the whole time! Can you believe it? I saw him do so with my beady monkey eyes!"
Fights would break out among the animals. The noise coming from the zoo started to scared away all of the people who were there to visit them. Complaints were filed among the zoo patrons saying, "The animals were out of control, unruly, and looked unhealthy and miserable too!"
Tammy Titi loved her little manipulation game!
It kept her monkey brain busy as a bee to set traps, snares, and stir up strife among her fellow animal neighbors.
Tammy thought, "if I can't steal their food, I'll steal their happiness, crush their confidence, and make them think they are going crazy! Maybe they will be put to sleep forever by the mean Zoo Vet, Dr. Rooin. Dr. Rooin would never catch me anyway, so I have nothing to worry about! After all, I'm the smartest, quickest, and most cunning animal at the zoo. "
Trevor Snake was Tammy Titi's only friend. He understood what it was like to be cunning, clever, and quick! Trevor believed in survival of the fittest. Still, he had to crawl on his belly as his only means of transportation... which is lame.
Back to the story... (throat clearing sound)
Where did Castor the Leopard go in this story?
Do you remember that leopards are the stealthiest of all the zoo creatures? I know I do.
Castor Leopard was perched at the top of the tallest tree, nestled in the thickest of branches, watching everything. Castor Leopard knew everything that Tammy Titi had been doing.
Castor Leopard knew that Opper Tuneti would eventually come back to give them their food. "This time," said Castor, "Tammy Titi won't get away with it!"
Zookeeper Opper Tuneti woke up from His long snooze with an alarming thought, "Oh no! What have I done? The animals depend on Me and I have let them down! I've offered them so much over the years and they've begun to lose faith in Me. Now, I have slept through feeding time and I must give them more than I ever have before, including the delicious treats I made earlier! I will make them happier than I ever have before!"
He gathered a whole barrel full of treats and food, perfect for each of the animals, and began his long walk to the habitat feeding area.
Tammy Titi Monkey was taking a nap. After her prolonged poop throwing, shrieking insults, and false claims, she was pretty tuckered out. It's rare for a Titi Monkey to take a nap. But she had really outdone herself, feeling proud of herself for hoarding all the food that Opper Tuneti had given the animals over the last several weeks.
Tammy Titi slept on the food, most of which was rotted by now.
What a terrible little monkey to have starved all the other animals from Opper Tuneti's special treats! Shame, shame, shame on you Tammy Titi!
Castor Leopard took this opportunity to talk to the other animals. Castor leapt from branch to branch, landing with the grace of a gazelle as to not scare the other animals, some of whom could be skittish if they were frightened.
"Jeff Lemur, Roger Parrot, Maxine Gorilla, Donny Donkey, Blitzy Ox, and Trevor... Trevor? Where's Trevor Snake?" Maxine Gorilla mumbled under her breath, "snaking around on his belly somewhere I'm sure..." Castor forcefully spoke, "My friends, you are all hungry. I know that. You are all tired, I know that too. Please, do not blame Opper Tuneti for this. He is not to blame. He has given us plenty. He gives us what we need. He will be as steady as the rising sun. "
Roger the Parrot squawked, "Opper Tuneti doesn't come for a Parrot like me anymore. I'm an old parrot. It's too late for me to eat Opper Tuneti's treats because I have lost all hope. It is best if He never comes back. Perhaps then I can fly away. If he does come back and I have gone, there will be more food for everyone else."
Castor said, "Don't be retarded Roger. None of us eat f-ing bird seed. Stupid. Just listen to me! I know something that you guys don't know. I've been watching from a higher vantage point this entire time."
Jeff the Lemur squeaked out a sigh and said, "I'm a lesser primate. Opper Tuneti knows that. That's why I'm going to die of starvation." Donny Donkey brayed loudly, "I'm fine. I'm fine. I found some rocks to eat. I'm fine. I can make my own Opper Tuneti treats myself out of these rocks!"
Castor Leopard was getting frustrated and said, "Donny, ugh... You can't eat rocks and pretend they are anything like Opper Tuneti's treats! You'll get a sour stomach! Besides, how can you bray so with a sour stomach? ...Jeff Parrot, just stop. You are everyone's favorite so just stop whining. You are far more of an adorable primate than Tammy Titi."
All the animals gasped at the blunt statement of Castor Leopard. Shocked by this sudden distaste for Tammy Titi Monkey, they began to defend her. "Tammy has our best interest at heart. She's smarter and more clever than any of us. She looks out from the tree tops to make sure we know when Opper Tuneti comes."
Maxine Gorilla slowly raised up and said, "My friends, I am the oldest of you and I have seen Opper Tuneti come and go, many times. I think our friend Castor Leopard may have something important to say, and we should listen to the leopard for once."
Castor Leopard, composed, said, "I am a leopard. I can hide in plain sight. I can bring the largest of you up to the tops of the trees to eat you if I wanted to and I haven't. I've been hungry enough to eat all of you and I haven't. I waited. I hid in plain sight. I watched. I know where Opper Tuneti's treats have gone. Some have been eaten, but only the ones belonging to Tammy Titi Monkey. The fights with each other were not caused by hunger. They were constructed by Tammy Titi Monkey! She was throwing her poop at you from her perch! She intends to make certain that none of you eat of Opper Tuneti's bounty! What's worse is she wants you to destroy one another or even more horrible of a thought...She wants you all to be put down by Doctor Rooin! If you don't believe me, just wait until Opper Tuneti comes back. I have a plan that will fix this for good so that everyone, including Tammy Titi Monkey, will get what they deserve."
The animals were confused and in denial about what Castor had claimed. Some of them were so heartbroken they sobbed. They could only focus on their hunger and how hopeless they were becoming.
Tammy Titi Monkey was still resting peacefully in the trees with her snake friend Trevor in tow. Their bellies were full, as they peacefully slept, content with their terrible acts. They knew that Opper Tuneti would come back soon with a bountiful spread that they could take once more.
Castor Leopard quietly climbed up to their resting place in the tree. Castor tied all of the hoarded food given by Opper Tuneti to a trip wire system attached to Tammy Titi's tail. If successful, the line will drop all of the week's of rotted stolen treats to the ground. When Tammy Titi comes down to take Opper Tuneti's treats from the rest of the group, the stolen plunder will come along with her. Even ol' Trevor Snake will come tumbling down, if Castor plays the cards right.
Whistling was heard coming through the pathway, "Hey there my sweet babies! I love you so much and I'm so sorry I missed your feeding time today. I have an extra special surprise for you all!"
The animals saw Opper Tuneti coming with a barrel and a bag of special treats and delicious foods.
They were squawking, braying, mooing and squeaking with excitement! "Today is the best day. Opper Tuneti brought us more than we can imagine! This is the best day ever." Their mouth's slobbery with drool, they were so happy to be readying themselves for a feast they will never forget.
Opper Tuneti empties the barrels and bags of scrumptious treats into their food bowls and troughs. He is singing and whistling, taking great joy in feeding his animals their favorite and most perfect things...
Trevor Snake woke up and nudged Tammy TiTi saying, "sssssTammy, the other's are feasting and we are sleeping? Look at Opper Tuneti'ssss smiles and laughter, glee and charm. He must love them more than usssssssssss..... " Tammy Titi Monkey shrieked, "Opper Tuneti is mine! Mine and mine alone! I'm the smartest, quickest and most intelligent of these low level mammals! Pah! They cannot possibly deserve ANY of Opper Tuneti's treats or attention! It's MINE!!!!! MINE!!!! MINE!"
Tammy Titi Monkey leapt. And with a single long winding bound, down and down, she crashed. CRASH! Plop, Plop, Plop, CRASH! Pounds of hay, watermelon, bird seed, bananas, sugar cubes, steak, leeks and lettuce came tumbling down with her. CRASH! PLOP! BOOM! BANG!
The animals all looked on in horror! They were gasping, braying, squeaking and moaning. They said, "Tammy Titi? Why would you? Why did you? How could you?"
Tammy Titi Monkey and Trevor Snake were maniacally trying to gather up what remained of their hoarded mess by shoving it into their mouths, their fists, and dropping most of it as they ran or slithered. They were struggling to get back up the tree. Not even the most meager portions of Opper Tuneti's treats, they continued to climb.
All of a sudden with a bounding roar came Castor Leopard, down, down, down the tree to meet Tammy and Trevor face to face, greeting them with a fierce growl. Scared and broken, Tammy and Trevor dropped the remaining stolen items. Shivering with fear they said, "Please don't hurt us. Please. We didn't know that these treats were for everyone. We thought they were for the most clever of creatures. We didn't know, we didn't know, we didn't know! Here, you can have Opper Tuneti's treats! Take all you want! Please! Just don't eat us!"
Castor rummaged through the pile, never breaking eye contact with the pair. Castor found the steaks within the rubbish of rotted treats and turned back up the tree saying, "I only wanted what was intended for me, Tammy Titi. Titi Monkey's can't eat steak and leopards can't eat bananas. You should be intelligent enough to know this, and yet, you take what isn't yours and what you can't even use. You are a wasteful and greedy little monkey. You lack in your heart compassion for others. Animals who are far bigger than you will ever be. And you, Trevor, you slithering snake! You shed your skin wherever you see fit! You are just a snake. A lowly slithering snake, taking what the monkey see's fit to give you. Self interested, you don't share either! Well now we know her dirty little monkey secret! You would rather have everyone put down by Dr. Rooin than to share your Opper Tuneti Treats?"
Opper Tuneti saw all of this and felt sad inside.
After all, he had always given equal parts of his famous Opper Tuneti treats to each of the animals big and small. Opper Tuneti decided that day to make Tammy Titi Monkey her own enclosure that would be far away from the rest of the animals. He would make sure she had her fair share of His treats, but would never again allow her access to any of the other animal's Opper Tuneti Treats.
Opper Tuneti is fair and kind. A good animal knows that He will come each day with something special just for them. A good animal knows that there will always be plenty of Opper Tuneti....treats.
As far as ol' Tammy Titi is concerned...
I guess she'll have to see what it's like to live off of what Opper Tuneti seems fit to give her each day. That's a big hard lesson for a little ol' Titi Monkey.
Castor Leopard and his friend's still hear the shrieking and hissing each night coming from Tammy and Trevor's cage.
They sit around and eat their Opper Tuneti's Treats together, always giving thanks for the special thought that goes into each treat He gives them. From the Leopard to the Donkey, the Parrot to the Ox, each one is visited by hundreds of zoo patrons who appreciate them for the animals they were born to be. I hear that by next year, they will all have bigger and better habitats thanks to good ol' Opper Tuneti.
So remember kids... don't be a greedy piece of shit like Tammy Titi Monkey or a self-righteous prick like Trevor Snake.
The End.
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