Insomnia Reaches a Jersey Shore Low

Tonight I couldn't sleep. My mind was racing with all the details of life that I must sort out and file in the mental compartments that will facilitate a future night's sleep. After giving up on the sorting and filing of my mental factions I did the unthinkable....

I watched "The Jersey Shore."

In my life I have made many, if not thousands of mistakes, epic ones even. None of these mistakes do I regret. To make my point a bit better I'll list of few of my epic mistakes that I do not regret: Getting married and then divorced by the time I was 20 years old, moving to Los Angeles, skipping out on numerous apartments across the country because I "felt like it that day." Chasing/stalking an Elvis impersonator with a mullet and a fake guitar only to find out that he was a cocaine addicted Elvis impersonator with a mullet and a fake guitar. Getting way in over my head with someone that ended up being married with a child. Driving a 1982 Ford LTD in a no-visibility thunderstorm with no windshield wipers which eventually manifested in me hitting something in the road and snapping the axles on the car which in-turn sent me sailing with all 4 wheels going off into different directions on I-75, coming to a stop with flames shooting out of the engine by hitting a payphone at a 7-Eleven... I had all my families photo albums in the trunk. I checked into a hotel and from the window of my hotel room I watched them tow away my car...FOREVER.

I say all of THAT to say this....

I don't regret any of that. What I do regret is watching ONE episode of "The Jersey Shore."

I'll never get back the time I lost watching the dumbest people on the dumbest show IN THE WORLD.

If you haven't watched this show, you are a f*&ing genius. I am a mouth breathing retard apparently because I partook of the tree of the knowledge of good & evil. Now I know too much about what is wrong with wearing only Ed Hardy clothes and slathering 40 solid pounds of L.A. Looks hair gel on a blunt kitchen scissored haircut resembling an upside down mushroom cloud...

They all suck so hard.

I watched a total of 15 arguments that all stemmed from one of the shirtless retards saying something along the lines of, "Hey Sitch was rappin' 'bout how Jennifah' is fake but your like a bruthah to me so'z I jus' wanna know who is jumpin' in da' jacuzzi!!!"

At this point a strange argument would break out into full blown Juicy Couture sweatpant wearin' hater walk off w/finger waving & hair tossing, yelling, and bizarre insults like, "I can't look you in da' face cause your tan is wearin' off and shinin' on my snapdoodle."

I know it's a tired subject, I realize this. South Park actually did the best job at "nailing" it in an episode entitled, "It's a Jersey Thing." If you haven't seen this episode, you must.

It's now 6:45am and I haven't slept yet.

I could say so much more but I'm getting tired and I'm disappointed in myself for watching that show. There's only one thing I hate more than The Jersey Shore and that would be where it is filmed at(not in Jersey)... Miami, Florida. You combine those 2 things and you wouldn't equal the DNA components you needed to make a retarded bucktoothed parakeet.

On that note... I'm tired.

Going to sleep now.

Chewin' on Life Jerky

Gettin' back in the habit of writing my infamous blogs again hasn't been the easiest pattern to revive. I wish I could call it writer's block but it's far deeper than that. The past year I've been living on a circus train. At the age of 32, I decided to join The Greatest Show on Earth, Ringling Bros. & Barnum and Bailey Circus. I won't launch into that but can I just say for the record that I'm not surprised by my lack of determination to write about any of my circus adventures.

Back to basics now... Life Jerky is what I call it. You really have to commit to chewing on the hard salty parts of that jerky in order to fully understand why you are eating it in the first place.

Shall we begin chewing?

Recently I had dinner with a long time friend and we began discussing how we are regressing in age. I'm in my early 30's and I feel like I'm in the 4th grade. In no way am I protesting this regression. It's fabulous. I have life stuff I really need to handle but I'm totally unmotivated to handle to more grown up aspects of living. I've never cared for details that most normal people worry about. I figure I'll get after it sooner or later.

At this very moment I have a broken foot. To the naked eye it doesn't appear to be broken but according to X-Ray films, it is unmistakable. It's broken. I had to leave my circus life a bit earlier than I'd planned on because of this broken foot thing. As I sit in my house watching television and waiting for workman's compensation checks, I am forced to think about what it all means.

I've always believed that if life events seem to consistently go against the grain then maybe it's best to recalculate the compass and march ahead in the direction that isn't trying to kill you.

It is however, a delicate balance of knowing how much resistance you are supposed to have verses the lethal dose. Nothing about my situation now is making much sense in either direction. It is as though I've been in a vortex for a year and don't know which way is out.

This all became apparent to me when my best friend said something about Conan O'Brien's new show. I had NO idea what she was talking about. She said to me, "Dude, are you living under a rock?" Two thoughts entered my head at this moment.

1. No. I'm living on a circus train.

2. I used to say the same thing to people who I had deemed as being "out of the loop" about social events...and I thought they were really stupid for not knowing information that is plastered on all known media.

I realize this is a small example but sometimes processing something small can be a bread crumb trail out of the Ignorant Shire.

This same person has made me laugh really hard by something she said to me on the phone in the last month when I would vent my frustration over my life on a circus train... "Train people have no god."

I don't know, it makes me laugh.

I have so much stuff to get done that would increase my quality of life right now but when I think about doing those things, I feel like hiding in the shed in the backyard. Perhaps I'll do that very thing. I hear it's nice in there this time of year; quiet, dark, musky, full of spiders... not unlike my train room really!

My brother just walked in and looked at me and said the following in an excited way, "What's a' goin' on Melodious Funk?" I stared at him for 10 seconds and said, "nothing." He walked away and said, "I got corndogs?" I have to admit that I became restless by this thought and now will go into the kitchen and eat the dog of corn.

More later from the inside of my mind.