Defective Units- People Who Should Be Recalled

Below is a list. This list contains a detailed breakdown of what we (the list makers, M. Lenz and K. Walker n' co of Freezin Beggar Films) call "Defective Units or DUs"

Definition of Defective Unit: Any person(s) who split from the

acceptable route of life and do habitual things that are unacceptable, retarded, and potentially dangerous or life-threatening to themselves or others.

Just like objects that are "defective," these living "Defective Units" should be on a recall list. They need to be shipped back to the "human factory" and some skilled Mexican angels will run a diagnostic and determine what missing parts are needed.

Below you will see a very specific list of Human Defective Unit Recalls:

Hoarde

rs:

Anim

al hoarder

s, stuff hoa

rders, junk ho

arders, ALL hoarders...

(this will be

detailed in recall

specifics further do

down in this list

)

Grown men who dress

up like babies

People who buy "virtual r

eal estate"

People with foo

t fetishes

People who

get off on being pierced

and hung up by chunks of skin

"Duster" addicts

Those exotic pet people -- people who own like four iguana

s and a b

oa constrictor and a baby lyn

x and spend all their money on rats and crickets

and special tanks a

nd pens, but they live in a converted garage and work at Targe

t.

Peo

ple who drop out of school the semester befor

e they're gonna graduate.

People who leave their kids/pets in the car for extended periods of time.

Pe

ople who join the mil

itary and then get really upset whe

n they have to go to war.

Most Asians...mainly this one.

People who spend over 10% of their gov'ment checks on lottery tickets.

People who routinely complain to a manager about the service/food when they go out to eat and then get the bill paid for "on the house" and clean their plates. These people will also return sunglasses a year later for a scratched lens. They always get their money back.

People who carry their dogs in designer handbags.

People who get so upset when the Dallas Cowboys lose that they ruin Sunday for everyone. Thanks Dad... Thanks for the emotional hatred association I have for Sunday. KFC and emotional abuse... eat up.

People who talk back to movies like Rambo or Goodfellas, "why you shootin' at him dumb ass he don't have your back."

People who send away for "Work from Home" packets and then talk to everyone they know about someone they don't know who recently bought a Ferrari in 30 days from selling hot mustard stock on ebay or some bullshit... (this goes into "people who think they will win shit" category)

People who think dinosaurs are Jesus horses. (always funny)

People who go barefoot in public places (grocery stores, fairs, malls)

Pregnant women smoking & drinking at the local bar

Daily excessive masturbation to any/all porn &

Anime porn addicts

People who dress in costumes and fuck

People who fuck animals

People who eat their boogers over the age of 9 and aren't retarded

This...all of this...

People who talk too loud, too often, and give play by play plot breakdowns to a movie you haven't seen, video game you care nothing for, or a situation you were not privy to/has nothing to do with you and isn't in the slightest interesting but they use the first names of the people involved as though you "know them too."

People who work as "actors" in a haunted house and go to Denny's after "the show" to talk about "the show."

People who pamper their overgrown pre-teens.. (who do at least 5 of the things on this list)and tell them they are "more mature and more talented than anyone alive"....the overgrown child believes this and therefore becomes a certified "Defective Unit," prime for a recallin'.

People who watch YouTube videos of someone saying the same thing over and over again with a silly hat on and they try and show you this video over and over again until you "get it"...

Also...

Directly linked to these Defective Unit people are the people who believe

"Tim & Eric Awesome Show" is the funniest show ever

made. It's not funny. It's not. You are stoned. Watch it sober you asshole. If a show has "a funny moment" every 15 episodes, as a general rule it should be classified as NOT FUNNY. If you find it NOT funny when you aren't stoned, then you have hope and we may be able to remove you from the Defective Unit Recall list.

*The authors of this list (myself and Kristen Walker) have been forced to watch the show numerous times and we did so with an open mind and even with booze and on average we squeaked out a laugh every 10th episode. We both agree that if anyone forces us to watch this show again we will call the cops.

People who shit more than 4 times a day and aren't "sick." These people typically spend at least 25 minutes or more in bath'oom lockdown and find this completely reasonable. If I can drive to another county while you are shitting, you need to go to the hospital. You have been RECALLED.

People who think real food is "weird," and will typically order the following things at 5 Star restaurants: Peanut butter and jelly, pizza, Totinos pizza rolls, Dorit

os, or McDonalds Chicken nuggets. Note: these same people will not eat french fries if the fries are cut in a way that is different from what they have eaten before. I watched an 11 year old cry one time when the french fries weren't what they knew. Someone needs to explain that this isn't okay and that a potato is still a potato no matter what how it is sculpted.... Or get your neck snapped by me- your choice?

People who don't bathe for more than seven days, don't bathe their children regularly and allow their kids to have sticky shit on their hands and mouths. These DU's are being recalled to get their Filth Tolerance Filter replaced.

OR

People who wipe the ass of their child when he/she over 4 years old but won't clean up the snot from their nose.

People who fake pregnancies then adopt children and expect their close friends to "not notice," the child is 3 1/2 years of age. (don't ask me how I know this...sigh)

People who are pregnant and give birth in a Walmart bathroom and then dispose of 'said' child in the Walmart bathroom... and then casually purchase a pair of pumps. (google that story... it's real)

People who summon demons 'cause they like partying and want to see something bad ass.

*An episode of Paranormal State that is a must see. This particular DU said the following in a rich n' delicious Mississippi river accent, "I mean what child don't wanna sell they soul to be a werewolf? That be just kid stuff n' all. A kid bein' a kid, y'know I mean, who wouldn't sell they soul to tha' devil n'all to be a werewolf? I mean. Werewolves are kick ass."

Multi-million dollar companies (owners and upper management) who still run their entire database on Windows 98 and pay a third party tech-support asshole 45,000 a year to play World of Warcraft and answer questions with "yeah um, just shut it off, go into SafeMode and then..yeah just do that first... then call me back if you have any problems." The business owners and the tech support guy are DUs & will be recalled for upgrades.

People who plan "dinners" 6 months ahead of time, i.e. easter, thanksgiving, etc... Unless you are planning on throwing a giant block party there needs to be only 48 hours of planning to this. Don't bother us with your insignificant plan...If you plan it, we won't go. Period.

Everyone I've ever ever seen on the show "Bridezillas." There is no recall on them, they should just be shot alongside their weak ball-less men.

People who overfeed their pets cause "Sugarpops loves itz some'z eclairs... look at 'eem eat it! awwww," and then get distraught when the pet dies within 5 months. If its stomach drags the floor, it isn't hungry. It's dying.

People who think the government is spending a great deal of time talking to alien races and reverse engineering space craft so that the Russians won't do it first. (this is still a common thought... Russia is of no concern, hasn't been for a hot second)

People who have no boundaries with their children under 18 and habitually vent out their very personal problems to them and say things to their 13 year old like, "Well, yeah, you don't pay for rent and I don't charge you room and board so be grateful." Um... that's your kid- they don't pay rent. That's called "being a parent."

People who buy more than 10 of the same thing but not things you ever need 10 of. (this is classified into Hoarders or planners)

People(especially people named Namir) who get a scuff mark on their shoes and then freak the fuck out and throw their shoes away.

All Jimmy Buffet fans who call themselves "Parrotheads" or younger fans "Parakeets" It's just fucking TRASH. Put some conditioner in your nasty seahag hair.

People who talk really quietly in loud places and really loud in quiet places. (I've met a few of these people, tho' rare they are terribly upsetting to the balance of the force)

People who ask obvious questions in corporate meetings when everyone just wants to get the fuck out. These people have "concerns" and usually when they hear words like, "Does anyone have any questions before we wrap this up?" These people will undoubtedly have NOT a question but a "comment," and it will be open ended and awkward and despite hearing the sighs of their peers in surround sound they continue sulking in the long pause and then say, "what do you think?" At which point the person in power will be forced to say something but then won't wrap up because the D-Unit will have "another question NOT question but comment."

People who use their tax return on everything that they don't need when they are in need of some major stuff...i.e. their dogs need medical attention, they need a root canal, and there is a hole the size of a dinner plate in the ceiling BUT they will buy a snow mobile.... they live in Houston.

People who like the "Free Credit Report.COMMMMM" commercials because the songs are "fun."

The person responsible for the "Five Dollar Fooooot Looonnng" Subway song.

People who audition for American Idol who are so bad at singing that dogs leave the room when they sing

Nudists

People who fuck children and those who think fucking children is a "taboo of society" and we need to just "get over ourselves" and learn to accept child-fuckers

Insane Clown Posse fans

People who take their three small children to Wal-Mart at 11 pm and shop for an entire cartful of groceries, up to and including trying on shoes while their kids scream in the cart on top of the off-brand Count Chocula

People who are or claim to be "scared" of things that in no way inspire fear: mustard, cotton balls, clowns...

Jews who hate Israel

People who get diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and go to an acupuncturist

Anyone over the age of 11 who screams or cries when they have to get their blood drawn or get a shot

People who drive their car without putting oil or anything in it besides gas and then wonder why it stops running

People who live in utter, abject filth, with piles of slimy dishes crawling with roaches and shitty toilets and bathtubs choked with mold and brown stuff

Anyone with more than three cats

People who take out $25,000 in student loans and then bitch about being in debt

Anyone who dresses their little girl up like a grown supermodel, or even worse anyone woman who dresses up like Ke$ha and then dresses their ten-year-old up like Ke$ha and they go out in public together as though it's "cute" when in reality it's just dick-shriveling and weird... and if it DOESN'T shrivel your dick, you shouldn't have a dick 'cause you're a creepy perv

Totally untalented people who think they're gonna win shit... you know there is a fat 46-year-old somewhere right now doing the perfect 'shup in his studio apartment who thinks he's gonna be the next Ninja Warrior

I've About Had It- the hilarious tragedy of 24 hours.

Hello world of wonder and awe!

Tis I, Melodee, your subservient whippin' serf. I hope this blog makes a few of you out there(the few that read it) laugh really hard because my intention is to write what isn't really funny and put my own inner dialogue into it so that you can fully understand why I need to be beamed back up to the mothership.

I'd have to say that somehow my "tuning fork" of the law of attraction is somehow in great need of re-calibration. Nothing in the last 8 months has gone really right. It's gone right but not RIGHT. It's right but like if 'right' was really left and then squiggly and then upside down through a road of potholes in the arctic tundra while a Yeti is chasing you with a beat stick.... then you get to where you wanted to go but realize it's a hologram and the Yeti isn't a Yeti but instead is a big ass Polar bear holding a human femur. Yeah, it's just like that, JUST. like. that.

I don't care that I wrote a run-on sentence either and if anyone calls me out on that then you will represent the Polar bear in my metaphor. Dig? Okay....

So... Let me break down for all to hear what happens to me regularly.... BTW- I haven't slept in 2 days. That is important to remember... you'll see why at the end of this.

Imagine this senario and I'm not saying that this hasn't happened either, just roll with me on this....

Let say that you decide (I decided) to do something super nice for a family member(s) and I go out of my way to make sure that someone has a special day because it is their birthday. Late last night I thought I'd go to Walmart and get a gift for this person. Listen folks- already this is a feat of amazement because I HATE Walmart, hate going to Walmart, and the idea of going to Walmart is something that makes me break out in a neck rash. I was only going to Walmart because it is cheap and I figured that I'd find a certain something there that might be a bit cheaper. I should have known that it wasn't a trip of joyful adventure because immediately I was in front of a sport honker. One of those assholes who honk at you for no reason at all and they honk within .2 seconds of the light turning green... the honking ninja has the timing of a Black Mamba; striking at you with deadly force before you realize it's a snake.

I took a deep breath and said to myself, "Mel, that is just an asshole. No worries bro, just keep on task and don't let the haters hate."

I get to Walmart and within seconds of entering the store I felt that something was rotten in Denmark. In this case however, something was rotten in China. The entire store was filled with people who just stepped off the plane from China. Seriously, there were hundreds of loud ass Chinese people and old old old Chinese women pushing overfilled carts. I kept the 100 yard gaze and plowed through them all to get to the back of the store where the lamps n' shit are. I got sidetracked by an end-cap display of lightsabers and Vader helmets when all of a sudden I made eye contact with one of these chi-mas(chinese grandma) and I watched her maneuver her cart toward me while yelling in chinese to her 298 member family that were all the way across the store. It was uncomfortable to keep looking at her but I feared for my life so I turned away..... KABAMMM! She rammed me in the side with her cart and I looked at her as though I turned into a shadow demon and she was my prey. She continued to "chang chang wheuwh whewuhl chang chang ching" at her family and couldn't figure out why the obstruction(me) wouldn't move out of her way. I decided to continue my quest for a lava lamp gift and went on the correct aisle and I heard a chinese accent say, "excoo me." That's when I saw a Walmart employee (chinese) pushing a forklift (yes, pushing a forklift...not driving it....pushing it)... I naturally moved forward out of the way and then on the other side of me heard another chinese accent say, "maa'm excoo me maa'm." I turned the other way and saw a chinese man driving a forklift toward me. I have a pushing chinese forklift on the right and a driven forklift on the left.

Just like a horror film I realized it was time to run away and I walked briskly out of that aisle and immediately physically ran into a family of more chinese people who were all on cell phones and yelling, yelling, yelling.... I went around them and tried to cut through the panty and bra department and there were at least 5 or so chinese women and their brow beaten men comparing bras and yelling, yelling, yelling on cell phones.

I started thinking....

"Well, at least there are no crying bab...... " (at this point I hear a shrill scream that was similar to the one at the end of Paranormal Activity followed by a growling sound and then another scream and then more chink yelling) I looked around the corner and saw the red faced buddha baby laying down on the floor kicking while his bizarrely young looking mother and old ass grandmother were both holding up panties and sorting through a bulk ben of "damaged panties on clearance."

With full conviction I knew it was time for me to pick up the pace and just get out of the store no matter what. I threw down my basket (I hate carts, I refuse to push one) and as I walked out of the store I saw the chinese receipt checker (the same one who was pushing the forklift earlier.... apparently teleporting is required for forklift operators who transform into receipt checkers at midnight)... She tried to stop me and was looking at my pockets as though I had merchandise stuffed inside them? I didn't stop walking and then I saw the soda machine and wanted a cold cold fizzy lifting drink. I stopped and was rooting around for my change when a family of 8 chinese people cut in front of me at the soda machine that I wanted.

I said all that to say this... my quest wasn't over that night. I drove to a Walgreens and figured I'd find some piece of crap disco ball or some LED Tinkerbell bullshit to just throw in a gift bag and forgetaboutit'.... I drove to the only 24 Walgreens that is anywhere close to me and it was FULL of meth addicts who wanted to talk to me or to themselves. I found something gift related that I thought would work and was going to just buy it and get out of there. Only one problem was between me and that Tinkerbell light up pumpkin- it was on the very top shelf and surrounding it was precariously placed snowglobes. So I made a decision to get it down and with a great deal of care I stood on my tippiest of toes and got it down only to feel acute pain on my middle finger... the Tinkerbell LED pumpkin was cracked and I "happened" to grab the part that was sharp as hell and it cut me. I pretended it didn't and continued walking around the store, looking at lipstick, As Seen on TV products, and eventually ended up on the cold n' flu aisle where a CHINESE LADY SNEEZED ON ME!

I put everything back that was gift related and bought nasal spray and cough medicine... cause guess what....I'm preparing for the bird flu. Nobody runs into that many chinese people in a 1.5 hour time period and still manages to get on an aisle that doesn't sell the thing you are there to buy and you get sneezed on by a Chinese lady with a terrible chest cough.

I aborted all birthday missions last night and let it simmer in my mind overnight. Today I get up and go to Spencer's gifts to get the F-ING LAVA LAMP.... That was an ordeal too but in a very different way but nothing worth writing down.

Tonight was the "surprise" of birthday festivities and I was excited as hell to see the expression on her face when she opened the gift that I knew she would love. The whole family was present but nobody brought presents and one person bought a 10 dollar Starbucks gift card as a gift and..... (cricket sound)... nothing else. So... to help out with everything in my families life so that everyone would be free'd up for the party, I mowed the lawn (front and back) and cleaned up the house, etc...

The "party" started and along with the silence of everyone awkwardly eating cake that tasted bad was the comment made from my Dad.... "Melodee, you gotta finish the job you started." I choked a bit and said, "um... huh? (choke)"

Dad says, "You didn't get the leaf blower out and now there are leaves and grass on the grass from mowing the grass. Y' can't just leave leaves and blow grass clippins' on other people's lawns like that..."

THE WIND DID THAT. NOT ME. THE F-ING WIND DID THAT!!!!!

So I went to the back area of the house and began showing someone some really funny videos that were sent to me and I guess this is classified as "horsin' around" via my Dad so I was "punished" by the next statement.... "Melodee. There were dishes in the sink when we got here. You gotta do yer dishes."

*note: I bought everything for this birthday thing and nobody contributed anything but a starbucks card and a stale cake that said 4.99 and had an expiration date of THREE DAYS AGO.

When I decided to just go outside and live among the stray cats and the large prehistoric rats that reside under the deck is when about 7 work trucks came down the street parked close to the house and I noticed that Yellowstone-ish geyser was erupting about 3 houses down the road. The loud beeps will continue apparently (I'm told this) until 9:00am.... so all night... the beeps.... no water.... beeps.... flashing lights.... loud workin' man talkin'.... beeps.... flashing lights..... dogs barking.... beeps....

Moral of the story? The gift was perfect and appreciated. So, in essence, it's exactly like the metaphor I laid out above.... "Yeti chasing me through winding potholed roads in the arctic tundra.... get to my destination.... hologram.... oh thank God there isn't a Yeti with beat stick... oh shit, it's still a Polar Bear with a human leg bone..... but I'm safe and still made it to the end goal.

I can't help but think that my consistent "roads less travelled" is somehow a hilarious "guys night out" for God n' crew.... like a Mr. Bean movie or something... I hope I get my A&E Biography in the next 5 years because I've about had it. No listen to me... I've about had it.

Hoarding Update! "Imitation Cheese"

If you haven't read my previous blog about the chilli under the bed, please do yourself a favor and read it. If you don't want to do that, then read this one because it will also be wheels off.

Sooooo....

My dog Milkdud has had a reoccurring ear infection that I have to treat almost every day with various ear drops, etc... It's better folks, no worries.

Yesterday I went into the game room to mix up the solution of medicine to put in her ears and I noticed the mixing bowl(one of those big ones) that we mix the dog's food in(part can food, part dry food with supplements for joint health) and saw something inside the bowl that actually blew my mind.

I'll take you back to 4 months ago now...

Imitation cheese was purchased by mistake because someone didn't read the label correctly. I won't touch the stuff because if it doesn't melt in the microwave then it isn't FOOD. The ingredients on the label were as follows: (in order of importance) Pariffin Wax, Food Dye No. 5, Hydrogenated synthetic peanut oil(not kidding), "seasoning," and salt.

NOT FOOD. It is shredded salty candle wax. It is not cheese. It looks like cheese but folks it ain't cheese. It's a candle. Nothing more, nothing less.

This "cheese" is trash. It belongs in the trash. I KNOW I threw at least one giant bag of it in the trash a month ago and it reappeared back in the fridge for "future use."

The bags of this "cheese" were the family sized ones. The big big bag of candle wax- er um- cheese.... not cheese.

Many bags of REAL cheese have been purchased, eaten, and repurchased since the first appearance of the "cheeseNOTcheese" bags made their debut in the fridge.

After the incident I'm about to talk about that happened yesterday I had a conversation with my brother regarding this "cheese" and he told me that he personally had thrown out a bag or TWO about a month ago when he made nachos and realized the "cheese" was still ice cold and intact/full shredded form.

....panning camera back to: Game Room. Yesterday. Dog Mixing bowl.

I look in the dog's mixing bowl (it holds about 2 quarts) and over 3/4 of this bowl was FILLED with the imitation cheese- the "mozzerellahhhh" looking "cheese."

The hoarder(my mom) routinely serves up something wrong to my dogs but this was the worst case of this behavior that I've ever seen. Last week I went into the game room and saw the dog bowl had about 4 pieces of moldy hot dog buns and some petrified furry sausage. I threw it away and growled a bit but figured that this type of thing doesn't happen all that often and the Lord himself must've directed me into the game room at that moment so that I could regulate.

The imitation cheese sent me over the edge. I had a full boar flip out that rendered everyone speechless. If this scene were filmed you would know what the saying really means when you hear someone say "they looked at me like I had 2 heads." I looked at my mom as though she were from Mars and had 2 heads and a zebra body. I said the following really loud and with the expression I just elaborated on:

"Really?! Noooooo. Are you kidding me? No, is this a joke? JUST THROW IT AWAY, THROW IT THE F**K AWAY MOM! YOU WERE GOING TO GIVE ALL THE BAGS OF IMITATION CHEESE TO MY DOGS?! ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU FEELING OKAY? IT BELONGS IN THE TRASH. IT IS CANDLE WAX IN THE FORM OF CHEESE. IS THIS WHAT KILLED MY DOG SQUEAKER LAST YEAR? DID SHE EAT A BUCKET OF SHREDDED CANDLE WAX? IS THAT WHY SHE DIDN'T WANT TO EAT ANY MORE AND DEHYDRATED? WERE YOU GOING TO GIVE THEM REAL FOOD OR JUST THE SHREDDED CANDLEWAX CHEESE? WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE TRASH CAN THAT YOU CAN'T FACE? O. MY. GOD. OHHHH MY GAWWWD."

You want to know what she said back? She giggled nervously and then said, "well."

(blood vessels bursting in my frontal lobe and all systems are shutting down)

Chilli Under the Bed

It has come to my attention that the weirdness of my family is as persistent as the morning sun. I've always known that I was the "odd" in the layout of my family tree. (I'm adopted) Lately it has been more gratuitously apparent just how defective the family unit really is.

I will tell all of you this information because it is tragically funny and because my family has no idea how to create a Facebook account so they will never know what I have said online. It needs to be stated for the virtual record book of my life.

My mom is wheels off. I've always felt like I was that normal girl "Marilyn" in the 1960's TV show, "The Munsters." The older I get the more I know that is a real breathing metaphor that points, like a compass, to the truth of why confusion plagued me growing up. Dr. Freud himself would be scratching his head over the layers of skeletons in the closet with my family.

I moved in with my grandparents in the fall of 1991 and shortly after that I lived on my own/alone. It was the best decision I ever made. I say that to say this... it's been a long time since I had to be around my immediate family as much as I have had to be recently. I always lived in another state, country, or at the very least in another city. My family now lives in Dallas and I am fully aware of it each second that I breathe.

Let me just get to the juice now....

I wish I had a dollar for every time that I thought, "why is there chilli under my mom's bed?"

I'm sure you are familiar with the show "Hoarders." My friend Kristen and I have a concept for a show like that but our version would be, "We Burned It." My mom had a sordid past. She had a great life but decided to mess it up around the time she turned 45 years old. At this point she made a decision to party real real hard. When you party too hard at that age you lose valuable family antiques and you flake on storage unit payments. Rinse & Repeat.

When you stop partyin' you realize you have nothing that reminds you of the "before time." It's gone and your kids are in their thirties now. Whoops.

Back to the chilli....

My mother has sort of "set up shop" in the house that my brother and I had to ourselves at one point not too too long ago. She cleans, does dishes, talks a lot... all that is great. She also finds what you are fond of and it ends up under her bed. The latest thing that is quite the brick to the face is the cans of delicious Wolf Brand Spicy Hot chilli that my brother and I frequently purchase because it is fast, easy and filling... and it's a staple food to keep in the pantry if you are from Texas. Texans like chilli. Bottomline.

The other day we purchased 10 cans of chilli as an experiment to see how long they would be visible to us in the pantry. Within 2 hours or so we opened the pantry and all 10 cans of chilli had vaporized into thin air. We said nothing. My mom has recently taken a mental note that I have begun to use half & half in the coffee instead of just drinking it black. The half & half routinely disappears in the morning... when one drinks coffee.

My 33rd birthday this past June- I wanted a cheesecake for my birthday. I had one sliver of cheesecake and then the rest of MY birthday cake disappeared overnight. Why can't I have more of my birthday cake? Was it my birthday? Why can't I have my cake AND EAT IT TOO!!!! The restroom is another thing altogether... you see folks, you can't actually EVER go into the bathroom because someone is ALWAYS in there. It doesn't matter if it is 4:00am or in the reasonable afternoon... someone, for some reason, is ALWAYS in there. FOR A LONG TIME. I did the math on this and realized that it could only be my mom. If I'm talking to my brother he's not in there. I'm not in there. SHE is definitely guilty of being in that bathroom. Recently we figured out that she "decoys" the bathroom. She leaves the light on with the door closed as sort of a 'reservation' of the bathroom for future use. It's the damnest thing. You try and get your brain wrapped around the idea that someone is actually doing that and listen- you can't. You can't really fathom it at all on a fundamental psychological level.

Like arsenic, the passive aggressive hoarding of "these are a few of my favorite things...(everyone sing)..." is a slow burn of anger that results in what happened to me this morning. I have a long fuse, patience of Job, and I've mastered (for the most part) "letting go of attachments." The 4% of my brain that is still a monkey wanted to destroy the furniture this morning out of full boar rage. I had to use the restroom and both of the restrooms had lights on and doors closed. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. Instead of knocking and saying "is anyone in there?" I kicked the crap out of the couch and overturned a lazy boy recliner. I have rage sometimes and it felt awesome. She bolts out of the bathroom and says, "what's goin' on girl? what is a' goin' on." I launched into a long winded rant about the decoyed bathrooms and during this rant I glanced at her bed and saw the endless supply of "these are a few of my favorite things.." UNDER HER &*(&*(&ing BED! WHAT THE... WHY...

This is how jacked this whole deal is - IF you say something like, "I'm really in the mood for some chilli fries. That really sounds great to me right now." Like a superhero in the night while you are in chilli peril, she will resurface with the very thing "you are in the mood for," and offer it to you as though she delivered you from near death. You might say to her, "Oh, where did you find that?" She might say something of this nature... "oh well, I had a can stashed away in there but you can have it if you want it..." I BOUGHT IT, OF COURSE I WANT IT.

My brother chimed in finally. I guess hoarding the chilli was the can that broke the bed's back... He woke up and said, "where is the godda**ed chilli?" (we heard mumbling coming from her room but it confirmed that she had some in there... under the bed) My brother says, "chilli belongs in the pantry and not under your f**ing bed." That may sound harsh for my brother to say that to my mom but it is kinda just the way he talks? Anyway... She brings him a can of chilli and he asks her why it's not in the pantry... Her response was this: "Cause if I don't hide things then I don't get any."

(crickets...)

How many cans of chilli do you think we eat in a day? Sometimes none. That doesn't explain the half & half, decoyed bathroom, or the other items that I've found under her bed. I've found everything from my Ringling scrapbook, jeans, soda, power tools, scotch tape, razors, shampoo, face cream.... Walgreens is under her bed.

This blog may come across like it's not a big deal and it's funny... and you are right... but it is a big deal and not funny. It's funny but it's NOT funny. It is an added element to the already complicated life I have right now that I just don't particularly want to handle.

We've figured out techniques to get her out of the bathroom. If you open the game room sliding doors she will bolt out of the bathroom to see what you are doing. Here's why... She hides things in the game room too. She has transformed a particular corner of the game room into her hoarding nest of old magazines, perfume bottles, lip gloss, and a vast array of expensive zippos and key chains. Things that ferrets would be interested in... or gnomes. Shiny things, noise makers, paper media that can be shredded for a "cozy nest," etc...

My brother and I found out the hard way that if you try and clean up the game room nest, you will see her transform into a wraith. DO NOT throw away those magazines and expect to not be visually scarred by the demonic beastmaster growl you'll get from what ordinarily is a very "sweet" soft spoken older woman.

In October this will be a thing of the past. She will be drawing her social security and she will no longer nest in the dwelling place I call home. I will gladly transport the lip gloss, key chains, magazines, half & half, and cans of chilli to the new residence and we can place her bed a'top of all those items for safe keeping.

The real problem with her is that she mentally lives on a cloud in outerspace and when shit got real in her life she had nothing left to hold on to. Deep. I guess she thinks she's more valuable if she is the gatekeeper of the things you need? Just figured it allllll out... thanks for reading my real time analysis. I feel better already. Kind of. It's still real weird.

more added to this blog in response to the comment below... (this is for everyone but specifically Christie)

Okay... Your response made me laugh real real hard. I didn't keep it real enough in my blog apparently... The situation is so bad. The once glorious "game room" that we use to party in... poker table(mine), bar, awesome leather couch, etc... okay... I come back from Ringling and of course my Mom has nested HARD in that room but listen to me... listen to me... She has boxes(at least 50) of Pyrex dishes that are much better than the dishes in the kitchen. Chancho (my brother) and I got crunk on some of those "other" boxes in that room and I found one particular box that was so large it couldn't fit in the bed of my brother's truck. You wanna know what was in it? 3 towels. THREE. There are piles of magazines dating back to 1989. (Texas Monthly, Cosmo, Glamour, Good Housekeeping*the worst offender*, Seventeen, etc...) The excuse she gives is this, "I'm sortin' thru 'em and gonna' take 'em to the liberry." THE LIBRARY DOESN'T WANT THEM MOM. The couch in there isn't for sitting anymore. It is soley for boxes of magazines or my grandmother's (who is dead) "keep sakes." My brother built a massive ass shed in the backyard. HUGE shed. The kind of shed you have to get approval for from the city kind of shed... do you know what is in that shed? Boxes of old ratty ass sheets, comforters from 1992, make up cases with various mixmatched earrings, more towels, key chains... I could go on forever. The point is... the shed isn't utilized fully. Everything from the game room could easily fit in the shed but it isn't in the shed because she has to be surrounded by the shit. The funniest thing recently is an old Minnie Mouse comforter that I needed to use as a prop for something that Kristen and I were filming for this TV pilot thing... It actually had vomit on it and was full of dust and filth... it was perfect for what we needed it for in the scene. We shot a series of scenes that this item was a prop in and it took a total of about 2-3 weeks to film these scenes. EVERY DAY my mother asks me about the damn comforter. She'd say something like this..."Miss Mel'dee, you still got that comferter?" I'd say that I did and that it was in the trunk of my car but that we weren't done with it. She would then say, "well it don't really matter but it does a little cause it is your sister's keep sake so just make sure an' giv' on back when you git dun." I would reassure her that it would be given back, etc... Well, well, well.. the other night I had to work a gig with my brother and we decided to take his truck instead of my car to the gig. The next morning I was getting some cleaning stuff out of the trunk and I realized that the f**ckin' comforter was gone. When I got back inside the house she said, "what wuz y'doing out there in all that heat?" I said I was cleaning out my car. She said, "yeah I got that comferrrrterrr out that ol' hot car cause I needed to wersh it n' stuff so I got it m'kay, and I put it on up mkay..." SHE IS CRAZY. THAT that that that THAT is insane. It had baby puke from 1988 on it. It is TRASH. I would love to send her to a resort somewhere and just prowl around in the endless hiding places to see exactly what she's managed to collect. It's ridiculous. The latest thing she's started ordering is Mary Kay makeup kits. There are about 10 brand new eyeshadow collections in the game room sitting on top of a old tin can of popcorn next to a box of tupperware and butterfly figurines. FML... it's all trash. It all needs to just burn. The most hilarious part to me is the justification of it and then the cold steely glare into full wheels off demon face defense you'll get if you try and "clean up" anything in that game room. It's psychotic. We cleaned it a couple of months ago and didn't throw anything away... just moved shit off of the useful furniture so that it freakin' made sense in there and I swear to you right now that we had to put our hands in front of our bodies and say "we didn't throw anything out Mom...nothing was thrown away okay... calm down... everything is there... it's just not on the couch or on the poker table... it is in the corner with other things of similar nature....calm down... no reason to be upset..." I had to actually go and stay in a hotel for about 3 days after that because she was a lunatic. Okay okay... last one... the backyard is beautiful and has a gorgeous built in fountain on the deck that was filled with empty plant holders, spiders and leaves. It had no function other than being a big fancy trashcan. My brother, myself and a friend decided to clean it and make it a fully functional fountain because it's friggin' nice like that. It was actually my friend's idea but I knew that it might create the demon growl sithlord mom so I said we'd make it a group effort. We cleaned it out and she watched us from the kitchen window with her lower jaw jetted out like a growl face and she didn't stop watching us until it was finished. Then she came out there and said "well, it sure is nice but I'mma tell you like it is, it ain' gonna stay like that fer long." Ominous.

Mel's Mind: Dodge Balls Hurt

Mel's Mind: Dodge Balls Hurt: "This entry into blog world isn't anything ground breaking or important to the plight of human evolution. It is just my way of airing out the..."

Dodge Balls Hurt

This entry into blog world isn't anything ground breaking or important to the plight of human evolution. It is just my way of airing out the thoughts spinning around in my head about everything in my present life.

The most successful times in my life personally were usually when I had to go against all formalities and good manners to get where I'm going to go. My grandfather use to say to me, "Booger, you'll never get anywhere if you jump through other people's hoops." I realized that was probably a wise thing to remember but I didn't realize it would become an iron bat that beats me every day.... "stupid stupid stupid," I say quietly to myself as I whoop my own ass for being so dumb.

A great deal of "sayings" have come in real handy lately...

1. "They threw you under the bus"

2. "may the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat"

3. "The road to hell is paved by the self-righteous."

4. "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."

5. "Rome burns."

...and many more...

Hell, even the story of Red Riding Hood is somehow applicable to my present condition. I wasn't raped by a wolf metaphorically, but possibly a Shitzu.

I think Einstein's pendulum theory has never been more relevant to me than right now. The theory is this:

In this proposal the temporal "future" by which the radiant present is being

vacuum advanced is that of a divergent "cosmological constant" because from the

'field-of-view' of Time-future the Universal quantum wavefunction presents only a

global "probability distribution" – undifferentiated energy potential. The temporal

"past" by which the present is vacuum tensioned is that of a convergent "gravi-

tational constant" because from the field-of-view of Time-past particulate matter

has locally materialized and conserved in the inertial history of every

differentiating mass is their common singular Origin. These seemingly converse

manifolds of past and future, however, are actually of the same temporal

continuum – a single, dynamic, vacuous 4th dimension moving matter... meaning

that the 'nature unknown' that makes the pendulum swing is Time.

I realize that is wordy. You need only pay attention to the overall concept which in loose terms means that every muthaflippin' thing that has ever happened to you, every person you've ever known, every thought you've ever had is all still happening but the gravitational curve of time on planet earth makes it seem like shit repeats in cycles... when in reality it's all one big fat lump of time-space.

All the assholes who I thought would change or have changed- have not changed or morphed into anything that is more evolved.... nor have I. It's kind of comforting in a way because at least if you are cool with how you personally are then you know what to expect from yourself later on down the line. I beg whoever is reading this to laugh a little bit because it's all real ridiculous that I have to bring in metaphysics into life's tapestry of bullshit.

There was a time when I was about 7 years old playing on the playground at a terrible private school in Dallas when I first realized that I'm not going to "play right" with the others. A group of girls that were "way more rad" than me were deciding in a very democratic way if I was worthy of being in their group. Side note: I didn't give a shit about being in their group or being their friends at all. They decided that for me and spun their wheels having "meetings" about my fat ass. The ring leader was one of those little girls who already looked like she was forty seven. Her name was Sarah. That's right, I said her name... don't care if I did. Sarah sat like a princess on her thrown which was one of those concrete tubes that use to be in playgrounds back in the 80's. All of Sarah's underlings were seated around her and they were talking about "whether or not Melodee is cool enough to be our friend." Meanwhile I'm happily playing alone on the swingset which was next to the concrete tube-thrown... I cared not. They called me over there to where they were and said, "Melodee, we have decided..." At that exact moment one of those giant rubber balls used in Dodgeball came out of nowhere and pwned Sarah in the side of the face knocking her completely off the throne of judgment. All her underlings scrambled to help her and I started to laugh until I made myself physically ill. They never had democratic chick meetings about me after that... my fate was sealed. Thank GOD.

I think about that moment a lot because I think it was the defining moment in early development that made me realize how people behave in response to the "wild card" people in life. Conform Conform Conform... you must assimilate now!

These types of people, like Sarah, somehow figured out that people would do things for her. That event occurred about 25 years ago and I'm sure she has full flaming hoops now for all those around her to jump thru. What perplexes me is this: What is it about certain people who create these obstacle courses to gain a false sense of power that are in the practice of gathering up people to routinely do things for them?

Recently I found myself being a part of a little screwed up circle of "trust" that relied on jumping through invisible hoops. You know what I found out? I found out about those hoops for one, but I also found out that if you dare say "no" to one of these people, you are punished in a very unfair way. i.e. the hoop you were supposed to jump through isn't a big deal, but if you say NO, the punishment doesn't "fit the hoop size." The biggest mistake you can make is to "obey" after you were "punished" and continue to rationalize jumping through their hoops. You will never get what they dangle in front of your face. Listen to me, you'll NEVER GET IT. Why? Because anyone who creates a fucked up obstacle course for you that benefits their selfish motives- they don't want you to have anything that THEY don't have control over.

I hate to say it but I'll say it- It's usually women who create the invisible hoops. Don't hate on me for saying that. It's my personal experience that's all.

So if Einstein's theory is true, then my story of elementary school Sarah and her fiery hoops has something interesting in it that applies to my life now... Meaning- I'm learning about myself by remembering that story. The main thing that clicked on like a bulb in my head was that I was naive to the very direct motivations of a group of people who were 'having meetings" about whether or not I could be worthy of Sarah's Jumping Hoop Squad. I didn't confront them about having a meeting about me, I just didn't care at all! Perhaps the rubberball that came out of nowhere to knock Sarah off her perch saved me from actually having to directly confront the idea that people really do have stupid motives that make them feel powerful and better than others. I think in my adult life I've been vulnerable to people who have "hoops" because I have expected "the rubber ball" to come out of nowhere and knock them down.

My conclusion... Maybe I gotta be more like the rubber ball.