As you all know, or don't, I have a working theory on people. Some people are DU, or Defective Units. They have parts missing from their brain that make them completely irrational, dangerous to themselves or others, and routinely annoying.
The holiday season brings a new awareness of Defective Units. I dare you to go into any retail store, anywhere, and NOT see at least 10 examples of what I'm talking about.
Defective Units parade themselves around like normal humans but they are anything but functioning. Sure, they know how to dress themselves, speak, eat, crap, but they will lack a defining quality or skill, rendering them entirely useless as quality friends or valued members of society.
Example:
A certain family member that will not be named in this blog post makes horrible choices in her life. She has her dream car but she also has a newer version of the same car. She has two cars because she found some rust on the "dream car" and had another family member completely disassemble it and replace basically every single panel, door, handle, everything... Thus making this car value-less because it has none of its original parts anymore but instead has cheap Korean made replica parts. During this process, she whined a lot and somehow convinced her father to buy her a new version of this car because she needed something to drive while the dream car was being destroyed piece by piece. This all started 4 years ago, the car is still sitting in the garage in shambles.
Example numero dos:
My brother, a big PC gamer guy, custom built the most advanced PC money can buy to get the highest quality graphics to run at lightning fast speed so he can sit on his fat ass and play Star Trek with his loser friends. He is unemployed, goes to school full time... so he gets a "sympathy good-for-you" pat on the back from everyone...
He gets the computer built, set up, and then goes to a PAWN SHOP and purchases a 13 dollar monitor that only has red/green pixels still working.
So.... let's review... You spend a fortune on building a super computer that can literally run in 3D mode with no lag and you can't appreciate any of it because your monitor has the capacity of an Etch-a-Sketch? Good Job.
Both of these examples are the definition of Defective Units doing things in life. Somewhere on God's assembly line, an angel was eating a Ho Ho and forgot to put in the logic chip into Human Lot #87392940. Some of us got extra logic chips and not enough happy & dumb chips, therefore we are angry, cynical, and want to be beamed up into an extraterrestrial space craft TONIGHT...oh and usually take a job in entertainment so that we can ensure we will never have enough money or job security to truly relax. It's better we don't relax actually.
During the holiday season, you will witness a full boar attack of the Defective Units. There's the power pusher cart ladies that will run you over while making eye contact because they are CONVINCED that you are there to get the very thing that they want, and there's only one remaining. There's 100 remaining, but you get a deep bone bruise for being in the aisle of that item. BAM... "Exuuuuuse me, (sigh) UGH move!" I blow these people up in my dreams. I imagine bits of them spackling the marble floors at the mall. I don't do this in reality because that would make me a Defective Unit and no thanks.
My favorite Defective Units are the "late for fun" drivers. The giant SUVs that ride your ass on the highway, flash their brights, mildly swerve from right to left looking for a teleportation window that will get them to their destination in light speed. They get around you and then the Defective Unit might get a text from someone and so they slow to a crawl. You drive around them. They finish their texting priority and they are on your ass again swerving and honking. Rinse and repeat. Invariably these people are driving to a store of some kind. They are never driving to a hospital as their behavior suggests. That's why the behavior doesn't match the need, therefore they are Defective Units.
Let's talk about parking garages this time of year...
Parking garages are bee hives full of psychotic bees who just did lines of cocaine. Why, why, why must the bees stop the line of traffic to get the spot that someone is walking to when there are 59 open spaces just around the corner? What do they know about those empty spaces that you don't know? Do those empty spaces have a trap door? Are the empty spaces that are conveniently available to 59 cars have a pre-determined outcome of failure? Are you more likely to enjoy your trip to the mall after pissing off a line of people sucking their own carbon monoxide fumes for 17 minutes while you wait for a family of 8 to pile into their space so that you can have it? The worst part of all of this experience is that you are trapped. You have given up all your human rights in a parking garage. You can't abort mission. You can't quit. You can't do anything but take it square up the keister waiting for "The I-Do-What-I-Want-F-You" family to get the spot that is paved with angel tears.
I heard on the news today that there was a "stampede" at the post offices across the USA. People were "injured" in the chaos to get their gifts sent out in time for CHRISTmas. No further comment on that. It is juicy irony in and of itself.
Anyone who was partaking in a human "stampede" is a Defective Unit.
The Holiday season also brings out the worst in relationships. If you are one of the people who has more negative things to say about your spouse/or partner than you do positive things, just do the world a favor and split up. Clearly, you won't do it for yourself, so find a cause and do it for that cause. "I'm splitting up with you for the mental stability of the puppies of the world."
Again, they are missing their logic chip, which is Crucial to making decisions regarding the quality of their lives. (Defective Unit) They would rather fight and resent someone, dump all the negative rants on other people, get offered multiple common sense solutions, and ignore every single one of them. Something in their brain is flipped, the part was put in upside down.
Their defectiveness is ramped way up during this time of year because they have to think about buying things for that person, and typically realize they would rather pluck their own eyes out than have any thoughtful feeling about their life partner.
These people are horrible excuses for martyrs, and don't buy into their drama or you will become a Defective Unit Default Recall. Simply walk away from them and don't waste your functioning logic chip on giving them any support or solutions. Their inner hard drive isn't compatible with your "software update." They are not backwards compatible either. The more time passes, the more out of date their programming is. No new applications, no amount of RAM will make them run any better. They will continue to run the exact same way until their internal batteries burn out and they die. Facts.
In closing, if you are a Defective Unit, you probably will post something mean on my Facebook wall after reading this because you'll be convinced that it was personal to you. If you do that, you've outed yourself.
However, most Defective Units have the attention span of a gnat when challenged with reading anything other than stupid quotes printed on cheap wall art at Big Lots or "meems" they see on the internet.
Be safe out there America. The Defective Units are out in droves. They function on primal instincts and have no fear of the terrible repercussions of their stanky instant knee-jerk reactions to daily life. Remember, you can always spot a DU if you see the following things:
1. Any situation that requires even minimal patience will cause an outburst of some kind which will thrust them into making a decision which will definitely affect more than just them.
2. Lack of attention span. (this is related to #1, lack of patience) They will want you to listen to them talk incessantly about everything and everyone in their life, but if you text anything longer than "LOL" or "K", they won't read it. Even if what you texted them was directions to a location they want to go to... they will still call you and make you stay on the phone with them while they drive there. You will be late to the event, they won't, and they have already forgotten that you helped them out.
3. Big plans- DU's always have big big plans. They are always making huge plans for their lives with no foreseeable way of accomplishing it. Most of the time they will make these plans after they have become unemployed or are thinking about quitting their job. This is different from having "dreams of success" and you'll know that because you'll feel shitty when they tell you about their plans, verses, being inspired by someone who wants more out of life.
4. Phobias- They have them because they are stupid.
5. Loud- DU's have terrible listening capabilities so they will overtake the room by being the loudest person in it. They will make inappropriate noises when they get mildly "hurt"... They ALWAYS use speaker phone and behave as though you are interrupting a "private phone call" if you make any noise at all.
6. Poor bathroom hygiene- They have no concept of how to flush a toilet or throw any personal product in the trash.
7. They Are the ONLY person in the world- Yep. That's right. They are the most important person in the world. They have no perspective. The phrase "put yourself in someone else's shoes," is lost on them. They lack the hardware to implement that phrase and adjust their reactions to situations. They will tell you about how they got the best deal, you can't get it, and even if you did get that deal they will insist you didn't. They like a restaurant the most, you can't like it the most because they do. It's "their restaurant." Everything is "their thing." They will say things like, "this is totally ME." They are right, because everything good or bad is always "totally me." They get the same result either way.
I hope this list helps you avoid the Defective Units during this holiday season. Try to not engage them, keep your head down, walk fast, and get away.
Happy Holidays everyone. I hope this next year you all have wonderfully functional lives full of inspiration, adventure, and compassion for the Defective Units.
Compassion is the only way to not become one.
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